Listen Up!

I read two separate short articles on listening this morning, in two different books, so it seems that life’s sending me a not-so-subtle message.  One of the articles was “Creative Listening,” by Wilferd A. Peterson, in which he points out many of the benefits of listening, and strategies for doing so.  To him, the value in listening is what we can learn, and how we can change our lives in positive ways when we do actually listen.  He encourages us to listen to the beautiful and to the good, and to listen critically and creatively and with patience.  If we do listen, he says, we can get something out of what we hear.  He implies that if we don’t listen, we really won’t get anything at all out of what we experience.

The other passage was by Richard Carlson in Never Mind the Small Stuff.  His focus was on listening to the other person closely in order to make both of you feel better about yourselves.  If we spend our time formulating our answers and just waiting for the other person to finish so that we can speak, we won’t get much out of the interaction and we’ll probably make the other person feel a bit diminished.  When we do this, we’re not showing respect to either of us.

Whenever I come across material from two different sources that’s so strongly related, I take it as a sign that there’s something there for me to learn.  As far as listening is concerned, I’ve studied quite a bit about it, yet I still don’t practice what I’ve learned very well.  I do some things that I don’t like while listening, like formulating my response and avoiding eye contact; while I’m trying to change these behaviors, it’s coming very slowly.

Listening isn't a skill that we tend to value these days.  We live in an age when we're supposed to have answers for everything, and I hear plenty of people give completely wrong answers because they read something on the Internet or because someone else told them so.  I hear plenty of people cut other people off when they're talking, not letting them finish sentences or statements, because something the other person has said has triggered a memory or a thought.

We have a simple choice:  we can let other people finish what they're saying and then reply, or we can stop them and share our thoughts.  The first choice shows respect and allows us to treat others with dignity; the second shows a complete lack of respect, and has us treat others with no dignity at all.  To me, it's quite clear what I ought to be doing.

When I listen carefully, I do affect the people in my life.  When I listen closely to them, I can make their day brighter simply by treating them with the respect necessary to listen to what they say.  And what they say is valuable, if not to me, then to them–I just have to recognize that value and respect it and truly hear what they say.  Does something have to be important to me for me to listen to it?  Things that are important to others count, too!  Listening is one of the most valuable contributions that we can make to our friends and co-workers and family members–true listening, not just hearing the words, but focusing on the meanings behind the words.  So my goal for today is to listen better, and to try to keep up that habit in coming days.
  
  

I spent most of my life waiting for my turn to speak.  If you’re at all
like me, you’ll be pleasantly amazed at the softer reactions and looks
of surprise as you let others completely finish their thought before you
begin yours.  Often, you will be allowing someone to feel listened to
for the first time.  You will sense a feeling of relief coming from the
person to whom you are speaking—and a much calmer, less rushed feeling
between the two of you.  No need to worry that you won’t get your turn
to speak—you will.  In fact, it will be more rewarding to speak because
the person you are speaking to will pick up on your respect
and patience and will begin to do the same.

Richard Carlson

 



It used to be pretty common for people to use the term “natural high,” and it seems kind of a shame that we don’t use it much anymore.  It’s a pretty nice term, and it explains well what I feel when I’m in a natural setting.  When I’m in a forest and the air is much more oxygen-rich, when I’m on a mountaintop or mountainside with miles of beautiful landscape before me, when I’m beside an ocean and I can smell the surf and the immensity of the sea, when I can experience the amazing silence of the desert–-then I know that I’m experiencing a natural high.

There really is no limit to all that nature offers us.  The only real limits to what we can get from nature are in how much we’ll take–-and how often we’ll put ourselves in situations in which we can receive from her.  In nature there’s peace, there’s fascination, there’s excitement, there are innumerable lessons in life and living, there are beauty and wonder.  But how much of that do we allow into our lives as a part of who we are?

Try it sometime–-put yourself in a position in which you can get something from nature, even if that position is merely a walk in the park.  And then allow yourself to take it.  Notice things, feel things, see things, experience them.  Only if you allow yourself to feel what nature has to offer can you let nature be one of your best teachers of all.

Sometimes when I find that I need to be reminded of the power of nature, I watch DVD’s with beautiful scenery of mountains and forests and deserts.  The wonderful scenery obviously is no substitute for the real thing, but it does serve as a great reminder of what’s out there, waiting for me, when and if I want to take advantage of it.  Natural highs are a real part of life for me, and I want to do my best always to make them a common experience for me.
 

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass
springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of
nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive.

Eleonora Duse  

  

A Nice Hot Bath

I didn't take a bath today--I took a shower instead.  But I had the possibility to take a bath if I wanted to, and that got me to thinking of just what an amazing blessing a bath can be.  It's obviously a blessing to people around me because it cleans me up, but so many things have to happen for me to take a bath that it seems almost incredible that we don't spend more time appreciating things like baths.

After all, in order for me to take a bath there has to be running water in my home.  That means that pipes that run for many miles beneath the ground have to have been laid, and they have to be maintained.  We also have to have water pressure, which can come from a pump or from a water tower.  The water has to be clean and healthy, and it's amazing that it's actually drinkable when it reaches my home.

When the water's in my home, we have to have a heater to make the water hot for us.  In order for that heater to work, we have to have electricity that comes from many miles away through many wires, or gas that comes from many miles away through pipes beneath the ground, just like the water itself.  And I put the water in a tub that was made somewhere far away by people I'll never know, adding bubble bath or skin conditioners to the water so that it will be more soothing and comfortable.

All of this happens also when I take a shower, and I appreciate showers, too--even more when I keep in mind just how many people cannot take showers or baths where they live.  Baths and showers are luxurious parts of life that we take for granted, and I hope that as I grow older, I take for granted fewer and fewer of these amazing things that make my life so rich.  All I have to do is keep myself open to the wonder of what's around me, and I'll be sure to learn about more and more things that I really should be appreciating as much as I can.

Appreciation of life itself, becoming suddenly aware of the miracle
of being alive, on this planet, can turn what we call ordinary life
into a miracle. We come awake to such a realization when
we recognize our connection to a spiritual dimension.

Dan Wakefield

 

When I Was a Kid

When I was a kid, I saw the wonder in just about everything, from the ants that made those really cool hills in the ground to the bees that were always hovering around flowers.  I loved them all, and I would actually take time to examine them and get to know more about them.  Nowadays, I step around anthills and I notice the bees in passing.

When I was a kid, I loved stories that transported me to different places and times, for they got my imagination running almost out of control, in the most positive of ways.  Today, I still read for pleasure now and then, but it doesn't have the effect on my imagination that it used to--perhaps I know too much now.

When I was really young, I trusted people very much.  It was a very nice feeling, to have that trust in others and to know that there was no reason not to trust--even if I did find out years later that some of those people really weren't trustworthy, I liked that feeling enough to do my best to associate with people whom I always can trust.  It's a nice lesson from my childhood.

There were many other great things about childhood that I can remember.  It was a dream come true to get a candy bar, or to have my favorite dinner.  Songs were really cool back when I didn't understand as much about quality--I liked what I liked, and didn't like what I didn't like.  Buildings were big and imposing and sometimes even mysterious.  Of course, there were also silly tantrums and fears and injuries that occurred because I did silly things, but for the most part I recognize that one of the values of reflecting on those years gone by lies in the memories of things that were beautiful, awesome, and wonderful--so that I can try to rekindle my ability to see them once more as beautiful, awesome, and wonderful.

If a child is to keep alive his or her
inborn sense of wonder, he or she
needs the companionship of at least
one adult who can share it, rediscovering
with the child the joy, excitement
and mystery of the world we live in.

Rachel Carson



The Spirit in You

I'd really like to say that I recognize, see, and respect the spirit in you--the spirit that you are, actually.  I'd love to say that, but if I did, then I'd be lying, unfortunately.  The truth is that I'm usually pretty blinded, so preoccupied with the tasks and demands of right now that I simply don't see the divine in the people with me.  I don't see the spirits that are immortal, the part of ourselves that is so very special--and so amazingly beautiful.  Instead, I see the human forms in front of me, and I see their foibles and their flaws and their mistakes rather than their exquisite true natures.

I'm not alone in having this tendency.  Most of the adults that I know don't see past the surfaces of the people they spend time with.  Most of us get so caught up in solving problems and accomplishing "tasks" that we neglect to experience the eternal spirit that is the essence of who we are.  And once the current problem or task is taken care of, we move on to the next one.  That way we keep busy and never really have to think too much about what we truly are.

I really do regret not seeing more of the divine in the people around me, though.  If I were to see it, I most certainly would be able to treat the people in my life with more dignity and respect.  I also would be able to relate to people more strongly, not having any fear at all of rejection or anything like that.  After all, if I saw the greatness that is truly a part of all of us, then my lack of fear would allow me to get closer to everyone.

You are a spirit, here on this planet for a short time.  If we all were to spend more time focused on being able to see the true selves of the people we spend our lives with, then we would recognize the special divinity that all of us have, the amazing side of ourselves that is eternal and completely focused, patient, and loving.  It's the side of ourselves that we neglect, in part because we don't believe that we have it; after all, if we can't see it in others, just how are we supposed to see it in ourselves?

Because we reside within God’s spirit and God’s spirit
resides within us, we are, quite literally, surrounded
by and infused with the divine—though we may frequently
fail to recognize God’s presence.  And this surrounding,
infusing spirit of God is fully and irreversibly committed
to the well being of creation and to its ongoing transformation.
Furthermore, the divine spirit is intimately and actively
involved in your life, in my life, and in every life.

Gary Egeberg 

Opportunity Is Everywhere

It amazes me sometimes to see how many people just allow opportunities to fly right by them without even making an effort to take advantage of them.  There are so many chances in our lives to improve ourselves or our situations that it's almost inconceivable, yet most of us stay pretty content with the status quo and never even notice opportunities that come our way, wait around a little while hoping that we'll notice them, then move on to somewhere or someone else because we've neglected them.

Not that there's always something wrong with the status quo--sometimes the way things are is very comfortable for us, and it's nice to sit back and enjoy it.  Sometimes it's better to rest and recoup our strength and sanity rather than jump at an opportunity to do something else.

But it's also important that we recognize opportunities for growth and advancement so that we can take them and learn more about life, living, and ourselves.  After all, we aren't on this planet to stagnate and stay the same all the time, are we?  We're not here to stick with the status quo and never advance as people and as spirits, are we?  Should we just find a point of comfort and stay there for the rest of our lives?  If we do that, can we really be fulfilling our purpose on this planet?  Such an approach to life simply doesn't make sense.

What opportunities are in your life right now, just waiting for you to take advantage of them?  And if they're there, then why aren't you taking advantage of them?  You have many chances to change and grow in your life, but it's always your decision whether you do so or not.  Make the decision to use those opportunities for all that they're worth, and you'll find your life growing richer and fuller as you grow more and more.  It's all in the decisions that you make concerning your opportunities.

Great opportunities come to all, but many do not know they have met them.  The only preparation to take advantage of them is simple fidelity to watch what each day brings.

Albert E. Dunning

The Value of Your Creativity

One of my most difficult challenges as a teacher is to convince students that their thoughts and ideas have value.  This is particularly hard when part of my job is to point out areas where they can use improvement.  For most of them, showing areas where they can improve is telling them that they're somehow "wrong" to think what they do, and that can make it more difficult for them to trust themselves in the future.  And some of them have done so poorly in some areas that their feelings of inadequacy spill over into other areas--a student who doesn't do well in math, then, can feel bad about his or her ability in writing, even if he or she has much stronger writing skills than math skills.

But all of us have thoughts and feelings that have great value, to ourselves and to other people.  All of us can share that value with the world, as long as we trust ourselves to do so.  Our perspectives are unique, our thoughts are our own, and our unique creativity is something special that definitely can benefit the world--if we only trust ourselves enough to allow our creativity to grow and to shine.

Creativity is much more like a plant than a light bulb.  You can screw a bulb into a lamp, flick a switch and the light reaches its full potential immediately.

Creativity, though, takes time and care and love.  It takes a lot of effort to cultivate it, to nourish it properly, and to create the right conditions for the creativity to flourish.  It also takes patience, for it usually isn't immediately obvious.

The value of our unique thoughts and ideas is in their creativity, and that's something that we all have inside of ourselves, just waiting to be tapped, just waiting to be used to its full potential.  The decision whether to cultivate it or not lies within each of us, and making that decision is possible only when we accept and acknowledge just how valuable we and our thoughts actually are!

I am the one and only me.
I may not think of myself as a creative person, but I know that I have
unique talents and skills to share.
For instance, art may appear on a canvas, or it may appear in a meal
prepared with love. Some hands sculpt clay or play a musical instrument,
and some gently hold the hand of a child. Wisdom can be found in books,
but it can also be found in quiet conversation across the kitchen table.
I am creative in my own unique way.
As I more fully express who I am, I bless others, and blessings
flow back to me. I am creative, productive, and open to divine
inspiration. I give my gifts to the world.

unattributed

Forks in the Road

Life is pretty relentless in presenting us with decisions to make, isn't it?  While most of the decisions that we have to make are relatively minor as we travel along (should I stop now to go to the bathroom, or wait until the next exit?), it also presents us with some major forks in the road that force us to decide just how and where we're going to be going in the future.  Most of the time we make the safe and simple choice, which usually means sticking with the status quo and not making any real changes.

But how often do we ask ourselves why these particular forks in our roads appear?  How often do we stand back and consider just what we might get out of a change in our lives, just what we may become if we take a risk and try something new and completely different?  Why is it so easy to simply keep on doing what we're doing, avoiding the risk that change and newness so often represent to us?

Obviously, not every new road that we may take is in our best interest.  Sometimes it seems that we're tested by being presented with new roads that may force us to leave our ethics and beliefs at the roadside before we're able to go further down them.  Sometimes the dangers that the new roads offer aren't worth the trade-off of leaving behind some of the safety that we've been able to create on our current roads.  Some roads even cause us to hurt people close to us for little or no reason, such as the roads taken by men who abandon their children in order to go somewhere else or do something else.

But whenever a new road shows itself, I feel a bit of melancholy driving or walking by it without doing any exploring.  I'd love to explore every side road that I encountered, but that simply isn't what life is about.  One of the things I know is that other people know the road I'm on, and in many ways they depend on me.  I don't want to let them down, either, so I stay where I'm at, in sight and within reach (not always physically, though).  I keep access to the older road, even if I'm on a new one--and that doesn't feel bad at all.  In fact, it feels pretty good!

So what new roads are in sight for you right now?  Are they all appropriate for you?  Does what they offer mean that you'd have to change as a person in order to get it?  Will the new road make you wiser, stronger, more loving and compassionate?  Each new road raises many, many questions, and I wish you well as you ask them of yourself and answer them honestly.



People take different roads seeking fulfillment
and happiness.  Just because they're not on
your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

H. Jackson Browne

Simple

Oh, how I love simplicity!  Oh, how bad I am at keeping my life simple!  In my ideal life, I would have very few things, just a bare and simple living arrangement.  I'd have enough furniture so that I could live comfortably (and the definition of "comfortably" would keep getting simpler) and entertain guests when and if they came over.  I wouldn't have tons of papers and books lying around the house.  I wouldn't have bills, and I wouldn't need to worry about things like retirement and checking accounts and all that peripheral stuff.  When I awoke in the morning, I wouldn't have anything to worry about other than breaking my overnight fast and deciding what to do with my day.  How simple life would be!

The reality, of course, is far from the ideal.  But I am trying to bring the two closer together.  I do try to minimize the amount of paperwork that fills my time and space.  I do try to minimize the amount of time I spend with things like bills by setting up automatic payments online, for example.  And I do rather regularly try to get rid of "stuff" that I find doesn't truly contribute to my life.  For if it doesn't contribute to the life I'm living, then it doesn't really belong with me, now does it?  One rule that I have is that if I haven't even looked at a book for a few years, then I get rid of it.  What are the chances of me looking at it again in the next few years if I haven't looked at it in the past, especially if I continue to get new books from time to time?

The more things we have, the more complicated our lives become, the more we have to take care of.  And taking care of things usually is neither relaxing nor stress-relieving.  Taking care of things takes time and effort.  The more I can simplify my life, the more time I can devote to pursuits that truly benefit me and others.  Fixing a broken faucet only stops a leak; preparing a better class helps my students to get more out of their studies.  Washing and waxing a car makes a car shiny; spending time reading a book on teaching or learning can help me to improve my performance in my chosen profession.

Everyone's lives take different paths, so it's impossible to say what any individual should change in their lives to simplify.  But all of us have areas that with a little thought and effort we can decrease or even eliminate the time and effort that we devote to them.  Where can you start?  What tasks do you find to be the biggest drains on your time and energy?  How can you decrease that time that you spend on them?  Your simplicity is within you, just waiting for you to find it and embrace it.  How can you do that?

When one begins to practice simplicity, the ego is deprived
of the very strategy by which it sustains itself.  Nothing will deflate
the ego more effectively than to be recognized for what it is.
It lives by pretension.  It dies when the mask is torn away
and the stark reality is exposed to the gaze of others.
  Simplicity also avails in braking the tyranny of things.
Ostentation, artificiality, ornamentation, pretentious style,
luxury--all require things.  One requires few things to be
one's self, one's age, and one's moral, intellectual,
or spiritual stature.  What one is does not depend on what one has.

Albert E. Day

Life Questions

I once read a book called If It’s Going to Be It’s up to Me by Robert Schuller.  He starts his introduction out in a very interesting way, with over a page of questions.  And they’re good questions that got me thinking about some very important things.  Questions like, “Where are you headed?” and “What are your hopes and what are your hurts?” and “Your emotions–are they your friends?  Or foes?”  As I read through the list, I could feel my mind starting to work on some of the questions almost immediately, and I recognized some good topics that it would do me well to focus on for a bit.

When I think of the best teachers I’ve had, I realize that the best ones for me were the ones that asked the best questions.  I realize that the important changes in my life have come when I’ve asked myself questions such as, “Do I really want to be doing this for a very long time?”  Whenever we ask a question, there’s an answer implied in it somewhere, and as long as we’re honest in our question-asking–and we don’t ask questions that already have our own desired answers as part of them–then we can make a great impact on our lives by learning to ask ourselves really, really good questions.

Rainer Maria Rilke said that we must learn to love the questions themselves.  In his Letters to a Young Poet, he writes, “Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I want to ask myself the good questions, not the ones with judgment built into them, not the ones that point fingers or imply wrong or that are leading or misleading.  Because I know that in my life, one of my greatest strengths is pondering questions and coming up with several different answers for each question.  And I can choose among the answers to find the ones that are most likely to contribute greatly to my happiness, my peace of mind, and my joy.  It’s important for me always to find questions that I love, and then live them.

At Peace?

I sometimes wonder if I really am at peace.  There are a lot of things that concern me, and quite a few worries in my life, but I don't let them get to me for the most part.  I try to accept them for what they are and deal with them as they're demanding to be dealt with, without letting them make me miserable.  And though I've reached a certain level of equanimity, a strong sense of balance in my life, I'm still always faced with the question of whether or not I'm at peace.

Peace to me is one of the most important goals in my life.  I believe that when I find peace, I'll be able to understand so much more about this life I'm living and the world in which I'm living my life.  When I find peace I won't find the need to judge others based on my beliefs of how things and people should be.  When I find peace I'll be able to see more deeply, feel more deeply, and understand more deeply than I do now.

Peace is a marvelous goal to have, I think, and I'm pretty sure that if I still question whether I'm actually at peace or not, then I must not truly be there.  I know that my life is more peaceful than other people's lives, but not nearly as peaceful as some other people's.  I still think some pretty petty thoughts when I'm upset with someone, and I still let myself lose my cool sometimes when people do things that I think they shouldn't be doing.  So one of my goals of each day is to stop myself whenever I can and simply think some peaceful thoughts.  If I can do that, then I can allow peace to become a part of each day, and I can actually share my peace with others, who just may need a peaceful influence in their lives every now and then.

I love the line "Peace be with you."  I love the idea of sharing peace.  I love trying to find peace in my life, for I know that my mere pursuit of peace could be a pretty good sign that I'm actually alive and well, leading a vital life and doing my best to make the most of all that's been given to me--by trying to find one of the most important elements that any of us could find in life, the peace that passes understanding, the peace that comes from simply being rather than doing.

Kindness in the Little Ways

I become more and more convinced as time goes on that the best way that we can show kindness in our lives is through the little ways.  I don’t believe that they need to be “random acts of kindness,” though those most certainly are beautiful expressions of our potential.  But the acts of kindness that we perform don’t have to be exceptional, and they don’t have to break the bank to be effective or welcome.

Recently I’ve been watching for kindness in life, just so that I can be aware of the forms it takes and the effects it has on other people.  And I’ve seen a lot of it, I’m glad to say–much more than any pessimist would ever say is possible in the world.  In fact, I see that it seems to be second nature for most people to help out when someone needs help, to give when giving seems to be needed, and to encourage when it looks like encouragement could be helpful or useful.  Even without events like birthdays or Christmas being a factor, I see people sharing compliments and helpfulness, people filling other people’s needs.  I see my students sharing their paper and pencils and food without even thinking about it, because someone else has expressed a need.  I see adults holding doors and giving compliments and offering to help out with needed projects.

But more importantly, I see the results of the kindness.  The recipient doesn’t always seem to recognize that a kindness has been performed, and doesn’t always acknowledge the fact, but I can see the relief that’s there when someone has been helped out and has lost a worry, when someone no longer has to concern themselves with certain issues.  I’ve seen the smiles that result from receiving a kind act, and I’ve seen recipients turn around and become givers of kind acts.  And when I see these things, they remind me of my own power to cause such positive reactions in very simple ways, just by looking for–and taking action on–ways that I can be kind to others.  When I do this, I know that I’m contributing to the positive side of life, the positive energy that permeates everything that we do if we allow it to do so.

I have power today–power to add to the kindnesses of the world, to add to the positive energy that exists among human beings.  But what am I going to do with this power?  Am I going to get so caught up in my day, in my work, that I forget or neglect to perform kind acts?  I certainly hope that I don’t, for that would be a shame.  I would be squandering a great gift, one that can and will enrich my life and the lives of other people that I touch, even if in the smallest of ways. . . .

We restore the holiness of the world through our loving-kindness
and compassion.  Everyone participates.  It is a collective task.
Every act of loving-kindness, no matter how great or small,
repairs the world.  All those ever born have shared
this collective work since the beginning of time.

Rachel Naomi Remen

Learning to Unlearn

After teaching for 20 years or so, I've reached an important conclusion:  most people don't need to spend nearly as much time learning as they need to spend time unlearning what they think they already "know."  Most of us go through our daily lives guided by sets of beliefs about everything that surrounds us--how other people should act, how things should turn out, why people are motivated to do certain things, what's right and what's wrong--in the belief that those things that we think we know are cast in stone, unchangeable, and forever.  But life's not like that--the things that we've learned in our lives almost always turn out to be flawed in some way or another, and one of the major flaws of most of them is that what we believe to be true can hurt us and can hurt other people.

I see this type of belief in my students all the time.  They think that things should be a certain way--men should marry women early, women should be submissive to their male partners, people of certain nationalities or races shouldn't be in certain social situations.  All of the ugly and harmful beliefs that their parents have carried with them are now firmly entrenched in the psyches of their kids, and the ugliness gets perpetuated.

But if we can help people to unlearn what they think they know, we can help them to live their lives more freely and more happily.  I know someone who becomes extremely depressed when she tells her mother something and her mother doesn't respond as she expected.  This person has learned that if people don't act or react as she expects them to, then those people are wrong to hurt her in that way.  She would be doing herself a great favor if she were to unlearn this expectation, for it's making her miserable.  She's learned that people "should" react in certain ways, and what she's learned simply isn't true.

Other people have "learned" that they're stupid from other uncaring people; some have "learned" that if they don't drive certain cars then they're worthless; some have "learned" that it's terrible to make mistakes, so when they do make them, they deny them.  How free these people could be if they could just unlearn the warped and inaccurate lessons!

What have you learned that doesn't serve you well at all?  What kinds of misguided beliefs have become a part of who you are simply because someone, somewhere, has taught you something that's harmful and damaging to you?  I don't know about you, but I can't unlearn quickly enough-- the sooner I get rid of the ideas, beliefs, and "knowledge" that are keeping me down, the sooner my life will be improving dramatically.

Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world.

A Course In Miracles


* * * * *
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

Mark Twain