New Starts

We're already in our eighth day of this new year, so it may seem a bit late to talk about new starts, but I have to say that I'm not a big fan of using January 1 as a sort of excuse for starting something new or making important changes in our lives.  New Year's Day is a fascinating day that makes us think of new beginnings, but in my mind, so is every morning that dawns.

Each morning, we move from darkness to light, from night to day.  Of course, some days don't get all that light when there are storms to weather, and people far to the north and south don't see the exact same cycles that we see, but the principle is the same--each day begins something new.  It's not just the clock as the hands move past midnight, and it's not just the name of another day on the calendar. Every day that we live holds the potential for change in our lives, for new beginnings or even restarting something that we've started before and then put aside (or let fall to the side).

If I want to start something new today, I just need to start it.  I'll be much more able to do so if I sit down first and figure out just what comes first--many a great project has led nowhere because someone started somewhere that was impossible to accomplish without some other work having been done before. If I'm going to shovel snow, for example, I'd better dress appropriately before I ever pick up a shovel--if I dress too warmly or not warmly enough, there's a good chance that I'll abandon the job before it's done, or hurry through it and not do it well because I'm either too cold or sweating too much.

If I take the time to figure out the steps necessary to finish a job, then my new start today doesn't have to be completely overwhelming. If I want to write a novel, then my new start can be simply writing one page--and by the end of the year I'll have over 300 pages done.  Or it can be to write for an hour, as many pages as come out.  If I start out to write a page, I have a great chance of succeeding.  If I start out to write a novel, I have a great chance of being overwhelmed.

Do I want to lose some weight?  Then I need to make a series of decisions today that will help me to reach my goals down the road. No, I don't need that chocolate right now--too many calories. Yes, I will walk to work instead of driving, for it will burn off some extra calories.

I may not be able to clean the whole house today, but I can start with this half of the living room, and then finish the rest of the living room tomorrow, and then the spare room the day after.

New starts are just that--starts. Somehow we manage to convince ourselves that starts aren't enough, and we tell ourselves that we need to do something as quickly as possible, or we neglect to plan out the steps we need to take. Today is a new start for you--so what kind of new things will you bring to this day? The sun comes up just for you today, so take the hope and love that it sends you in the form of the light that keeps us alive and use it to start something that you'll absolutely love doing! Make sure you start with a plan, and then move on to the doing.

Giving

Something to think about during this season of giving:

The Golden Ladder of Giving
1. To give reluctantly, the gift of the hand, but not of the heart.
2. To give cheerfully, but not in proportion to need.
3. To give cheerfully and proportionately, but not until solicited.
4. To give cheerfully, proportionately, and unsolicited, but to put the gift
    into the poor person's hand, thus creating shame.
5. To give in such a way that the distressed may know their benefactor,
    without being known to him or her.
6. To know the objects of our bounty, but remain unknown to them.
7. To give so that the benefactor may not know those whom he has relieved,
    and they shall not know him.
8. To prevent poverty by teaching a trade, setting a person up in business,
    or in some other way preventing the need of charity.

Maimonides

Families--Strategies for Getting along

When I think about families, of course the first thing that I think of is my own.  If you can imagine a hugely dysfunctional family with tons of issues, then you have my family.  In many ways, my family has made life difficult for me, especially in my young adulthood.  I went through many issues that other people never have had to deal with, and there were times when I thought that I wasn't going to make it.  But the simple fact is that my family is my family.  There's not a thing that I can do to change that fact, and not a thing I can do about what's happened in my life.  So my choice now is what to do about my family--allow them to continue to make my life difficult, or accept them for who they are and still have them as a part of my life.

I do have to say that even with the dysfunction, there has been no systematic abuse in my family, so accepting them is not as difficult for me as it may be for others who have abusive parents, for example--including emotional, sexual, or physical abuse.  So what I say here has to be tempered with that realization.  The line "That's easy for you to say" is an important one to keep in mind when talking about dealing with issues in our lives, for we cannot know what other people have gone through and the difficulties they face as a result of their pasts.

But that said, I've found some important strategies of dealing with my family that help me to understand them better and get along with them better.  And here are some of them.

I leave the past in the past.  What happened, happened.  But today is not thirty years ago.  What happened when I was a kid is long gone, and it's important that I relate to my family members based on who they are and who I am today.  If I keep things from the past in mind, then relating to them is tempered by resentment, anger, frustration, even fear.  So when I'm with my family, the past is not with us.  That's not true of them--they often dwell in the past and bring up old resentments--but I refuse to play that game.

I take my leave when I need to.  One of the times when I need to is when they bring up old issues from the past.  I find something else to do when this happens--I go read or take a nap or go for a run or a walk.  I let them hash out that junk, and I come back when things are no longer focused on old issues.  Sometimes I get frustrated with the way my father talks to my mother--but that's something they're both okay with, as they've been together for many, many years, so if I don't like it, I go into another room to do something else.  Years of experience have taught me that saying something will change nothing and will lead to arguments and confrontations, so I don't bother.

That leads in to the next strategy I've developed:  I let them be who they are, and I don't try to change them or the way they do things.  They are pretty much set in the ways that they act and the things that they do, and it's not my job to change either.  So I don't try.  I don't necessarily like things that they say, especially when there are racist or hate-filled ideas involved, but their ideas and beliefs are theirs, and it's important that I accept them as people, even if I don't accept some of their ideas.  And not accepting their ideas doesn't mean that I have to correct them--again, my experience tells me that correction will have no effect other than making them upset, so I just do my best to change the topic to something more pleasant.  I can tell them that I don't agree with them, but I can't tell them that they should change their ways of thinking--that's their business.

When I'm with my family, I watch and listen more than I talk.  One of the things that I notice is that they still do things and say things that they did and said decades ago.  They've developed their own strategies for getting on in life, and I've found that things that I used to think were personal are actually pretty impersonal--it's just the way they are.  Things that they said to me, they still say to other people--so why should they hurt me at all?  And even if they seem to be hurtful, often the intent is not to hurt at all--it's just been the way that I've taken things that has made them hurtful.

When I'm with my family, I do my best to say only positive things, to bring up only positive memories, and to not bring up past pains of resentments.  If I'm with them today, why do I want to bring up yesterday?  They don't need to apologize to me for the past, for they were only doing the best they could, no matter what mistakes they might have made.  I don't need them to make amends--if I do, then my acceptance of them and love for them is conditional, and then my conditional love becomes another barrier between us.  And we certainly don't need any more barriers!

Violence and communities

The focus in our country is very strongly shifting towards the number of murders that occur here on such a regular basis.  To be honest, it sometimes feels hard to think that I'm living my life fully while other people are suffering so often from such tragic and useless violence.  Am I really living my life fully if I'm not doing anything to stop this violence?  Am I contributing to the problem if I'm not contributing to the solution?  And couldn't the same questions be asked about my relationship to hunger and homelessness and domestic violence and all of the other problems that permeate our society?

I believe that we're all called to something.  In my case, as a teacher I try to help my students learn about conflict resolution that doesn't involve violence; about developing communities that support people, not alienate them and make the feel disenfranchised; about finding ways to help others who need it; about how to identify those people who do need help.  I don't feel that my calling is in politics right now (though of course, that may change), so I'm not helping to develop political solutions; I have no professional psychological or psychiatric credentials, so I'm not researching ways to stem violence; I am not qualified as a law enforcement officer, so I'm not joining the police or the FBI in order to combat the violence.

No matter what our calling, all of us can contribute to a society that's more peaceful and in which people feel that they belong.  It's important that our communities offer support to others, not alienate people.  We can be a part of that support.  We can teach our children tolerance, not hatred.  We can talk to that person that no one else seems to want to talk to--knowing full well that there's often a very good reason for which others don't talk to him or her.

The question that constantly comes to my mind is this:  what can we do to develop communities in which such things wouldn't happen, because the members of the community don't feel like they don't belong, and because they have outlets through which they can deal with their frustrations and aggravations?

Some of the most simple things that come immediately to mind:

We can not create and perpetuate division by constantly referring to others using derogatory terms.  Our political divisions are the worst these days--who cares if I'm a liberal or conservative?  I have my views and you have yours, and we should respect each other rather than insult each other.

We can find an organization in our community that helps the disenfranchised, and we can help that organization to thrive.  That doesn't mean that we have to spend three nights a week working at a soup kitchen--but we can put aside a weekly amount to help them to do what they do.

We can encourage and compliment others regularly.  Our criticisms come quickly and easily; our compliments come rarely.  It should be the other way around.

We can teach our children how to solve problems without resorting to violence.  And it's not enough to tell them they're wrong if they fight--we have to give them an alternative.  Telling a kid that he or she is wrong without teaching them another way of acting is completely unfair to the kid.

And that's just a start.  We can all think of ways through which we can help our communities to thrive and to be inclusive--I'm sure there are hundreds of ways to do so.  I firmly believe, though, that the most important long-term changes that we can make to affect our society have to do with building communities that are loving, caring, and inclusive--and that starts with you and me.

Winter

I like winter a lot.  I say that with full acknowledgement that I love being outside and that I love warm weather, and that winter keeps me from enjoying both of these things.  I'm not a skier, and I tend not to spend a lot of time outdoors when it's really cold.  Most of my running is done on a treadmill, which is something that I don't particularly care for.  So when all is said and done, there are many aspects of winter that one could say are fairly negative for me.  However, that doesn't stop me from loving the season, no matter what it may bring.

Because I choose to live in a place with a cold climate, it really is important that I do love the season.  I'm not in northern Canada, of course, so it isn't like winter lasts for nine months where I live, but we do have a long winter season that's quite cold most of the time.  And that makes it important for me to find the things about the season that I really like, so that I don't spend a lot of time thinking negative thoughts and wishing things were other than they actually are.

Most importantly, I love the intimacy.  Because people aren't outside nearly as often, the indoor parts of our life are much more dominant.  To me, there's nothing like coming inside after being out in the cold, enjoying the warmth and the light and the company wherever I am.  Days tend to be darker, so the light is warmer and more inviting.  Because people are together more, the sense of connectedness is stronger.  People can spend more time talking and enjoying each other's company.  Of course, this was better when I was young and people didn't turn to the Internet or put in movies or play video games when they couldn't go outdoors.  When I was young, winter was a time for baking more, playing board games, building forts on the couch, or simply drinking a hot cup of coffee or cocoa and talking.  But even if we don't connect with each other as much as we used to (one of the real shames of our modern society), I still love the intimate feel of being indoors on a cold winter day.

I also love the scenery.  The silhouettes of the trees against the grey sky, the glittering snow and ice under blue skies, the snow drifting softly to the ground, the snow lying softly (or heavily) on the branches of the pines.  We don't have any outdoor flowers for a while, but we do have beauty to behold nonetheless.

Winter also brings a mood.  Early in winter, we feel the shift as we go from the beautiful autumn days to the harsher winter days.  In mid-winter, we may feel even a bit of nervousness as we wonder what kinds of storms and snowfalls the season may bring.  Winter has its hold on the world, and we have to let go of our want for warmth and completely accept what the season brings.  But that's also the time when we feel the first sparks of the hope in our hearts that spring will come, that the darker and colder time will eventually run its course and move out of our lives once more, leaving us with more light and more warmth, allowing us to go outdoors once more and enjoy the new flowers and warmth and greenness of the world.

Of course, there are also hikes in the winter through the snow, either in boots or snowshoes or even on skis.  There are skiing and snowboarding, and many other winter sports that are quite enjoyable.  And they're different.  They offer us ways to enjoy the snow and cold rather than giving up on being active altogether, and they offer us chances to enjoy the scenery and to challenge ourselves in different ways.

I have to say that food is one of my favorite things of winter, too.  We tend to eat differently, with more heavy stews and soups with rolls and vegetables.  The colder temperatures keep us looking for sustenance, and while it's important not to overindulge and sabotage our health, it's also nice to enjoy what's offered in the winter.  In many places, some dishes are offered only in the winter--I remember a restaurant in Germany that served a wonderful Apfelstrudel, but it was available only during the cold months.

There is much to love about the winter.  The season offers us many new and different experiences, and if we spend our time simply hating winter and wishing that spring would come, we face a very real danger of not living our lives fully, not taking advantage of what each day has to offer.  No matter where we are or what we're doing, we can find positive aspects of our situation, and often it's up to us to make the best of what we have if we want to be happy and fulfilled.

Small Pleasures, from Andy Rooney

From our Articles and Excerpts pages:

It's too bad all of us don't have some way to remind ourselves how good life is when life is going well.  We are more apt to think of it as merely average and normal.

When I was fifteen, I had an appendectomy.  There was some minor complication, and I was in the hospital for almost three weeks.  (It's always surprising how serious a minor operation seems when you're the one who has had it.)  But I recall then appreciating the colors and the action of everyday life when I got out of the hospital.  My perception of many things I had always taken for granted was razor sharp.  The grass looked greener, our house looked better and my mother's cooking tasted great.

The fact is, any time we or someone we love isn't dying, it should be considered a great time in life.

Just now, in the course of writing this, I was trying to remind myself of small pleasures I enjoy almost daily:

--My shower first thing in the morning is a wonderfully pleasant and exhilarating way to start the day.  I like the warmth, I like a good cake of soap, and I like the idea that I'm part of a civilization that has organized itself to get water to my house and have it warm and waiting for me when I get up.  It's difficult to remember to be amazed every day, but it is amazing.
--The morning newspaper and that first cup of coffee are two things I'm sure they have in heaven if there is one.  I always pick up my newspaper with a great sense of anticipation.  I'm a newspaper nut.  There are times when I don't find much in it that interests me, but that never changes my enthusiasm for getting at it again the following day.

--I love my work.  I love writing.  I even like the physical process of hitting the keys of the typewriter with my fingers, although I only use three of them.  I enjoy thinking of things to write, and there is always a vague sense of excitement about whether I can do it or not; this heightens my interest.  And to finish a piece of writing is a great satisfaction.  It's as good as getting a sliver out of your finger.

--By noon I'm getting hungry and feeling desk-bound.  I know a hundred good little restaurants, and it is a wonderfully civilized pleasure to find a friend and go to one of them for lunch.

--In the afternoon I'm not nearly so smart as I am in the shower eight hours earlier, but if I'm not pressed to do something for a deadline, I'm just as happy.  It's pleasant to browse through the mail and the debris on my desk, looking for a job easy enough for my brain to handle at that hour.  Perhaps I call one of my four kids working in Boston, Washington, New York, and Providence.

--By late afternoon I can't wait to get home--the same home I couldn't wait to leave that morning.  It's a pleasant place.  My wife is glad to see me, I'm glad to see her, and we sit down and have a drink while we watch the evening news on television.

--On Saturdays I have fresh orange juice, one of the great luxuries of my life.  As I sit there sipping it, I think how lucky I am to be able to make enough money to squeeze three oranges for a drink.  After a great time with coffee, toast, and the newspaper, I go down to my cellar filled with tools and good wood.  I've had some of the pieces of wood for twenty years.  I sit and consider for the hundredth time what I might make of a wide piece of walnut.  I feel it and enjoy it and decide to save it.

I am not sick or dying at all right now, and I'm determined to remind myself how good life is.



http://www.livinglifefully.com/flo/flobesmallpleasures.htm

Figuring Out Why

Things happen in life.  Sometimes they're obviously positive, and sometimes they seem to be quite negative.  Sometimes, of course, they are negative--but even in the very negative events, it's possible to find some sort of spark, some sort of message for us, some sort of learning that we're meant to do.

Recently, some negative things have happened to us, most notably a dramatic reduction in work hours.  Because I wasn't in a position in which I could actively look for other work, I had to accept the reduction and make do with it.  About a week after I found out about it, and opportunity came up for me to become involved in a program that seemed really fascinating.  It's a program that gives help to people who are hurting, and it will allow me to work one-on-one with people who really do need some sort of support in their lives.  The main reason I hadn't considered doing it before was that there's a fifty-hour training requirement--and guess what the reduction in my work hours allowed me to do?

Yes, we have to watch our money for a while.  No, we're not getting rich--or even comfortable, for that matter.  But I'm now able to do a type of work that I've always wanted to do, as we finished the training this past weekend.  The very negative occurrence of losing a lot of hours and making much less money is very real, but one of the outcomes of that negative situation has been very positive.  And there have been other positives--I've outlined my next novel, I've been able to do a lot of running (which keeps me in shape and helps me to clear my mind), and I've even cleaned and rearranged much of the house, something that my wife appreciates a lot.

Some things are very bad, and they help us to learn about our own limits and needs.  Some things are very bad, and they open up doors in other directions that we might not see if we don't keep our eyes open.  Within every occurrence are the seeds of positive and negative, but sometimes we get so caught up with the negative that we completely fail to see the positive.  That's a shame, and it is our own doing.  So let's stay focused on trying to find the silver lining in each dark grey cloud.  It is there.