I used to believe that achievement meant
winning, being the best, coming in before everyone else. Achievement
was gaining recognition, being praised, being noticed by other people.
Gradually, though, I've realized that that way of looking at achievement
was more harmful to me than helpful--if I expected recognition for everything
I achieved, I was bound to spend most of my life being disappointed, for
people aren't going to give me recognition just because I think they should
or hope they will. I needed to start basing my actions on what I wanted
to accomplish and what would help others--some of my greatest achievements
have been some of the smallest, for they've been the most helpful to
others.
I'll never win an Olympic medal or be the governor of
a state or the president of a country, but it's important for me to realize
that those areas aren't where my gifts lie. If I'm to achieve what's
most important--whatever it is that will make me a better, kinder, more
compassionate human being--then I need to be true to my gifts. I need
to search out areas of achievement that will help me to grow, and most of
all help me to help others to grow. Once I do anything solely for potential
recognition, I've achieved something for a poor motive, and that achievement
is worse than worthless.
The gifted athletes or actors or politicians who focus
on self may have an extensive list of achievements to show for their efforts,
but of what value are they if they're not helping others with their gifts?
My goal is to make my achievements helpful, useful.
Of course, we can't do everything that we do just for
others--sometimes we do something that can make us proud. We run the
10k race a little bit faster than before, or we get a short article published,
or we win an award at work or at school. Those are all great achievements,
and most of us are able to avoid letting such achievements go to our heads
and make us forget others. But we must focus on how such achievements
add to our confidence or self-esteem so that the next time we're in a situation
that demands a certain level of confidence, that prize that we won becomes
much more valuable because its effects make us much more effective in the
current situation.
My greatest
achievements shall never be known, perhaps even to me. Having made
someone smile and see the world a bit brighter, having given someone hope
for the future, having helped someone see potential inside him or her self
that he or she never might have seen otherwise, having helped someone to
see just how beautiful he or she really is--these to me are the achievements
that most can help this world to be a brighter, more loving place.
14 March 2019
26 January 2019
Grief
When our
spirit tells us it is time to weep, we should weep. It is part of the ritual, if you will, of putting sadness in perspective
and gaining control of the situation. . . . Grief has a purpose. Grieving does not mean you are weak It is the first step toward
regaining balance and strength. Grieving is part of the tempering
process. -Joseph M. Marshall III
We tend to look at grief as a response to losing something or somebody in our lives, especially to death. And while we like to tell people to take their time and grieve, we also tend to suggest to people who are grieving that it's important to move on with their lives and not let the grief consume them. As with everything else there must be balance, of course, but coming to terms with grief is something that none of us can understand for others, and it's important that we respect the grief of others and let it fulfill its purpose.
There's a myth in many cultures that says that human beings always have to be "strong," though strong isn't really well defined. Refusing to grieve and simply moving on with your life when faced with loss is not a productive way of dealing with adversity; nor is it an effective way of achieving balance in our lives. Allowing ourselves to grieve is truly the only way of moving past difficult losses, and the decision of whether to grieve or not is ours alone.
We grieve when we lose loved ones and acquaintances; we grieve when we lose jobs or even some material objects that have special meaning to us; we grieve when we graduate from school and "lose" the routines that have become so normal to us. If we don't grieve, these things can stick with us for a very long time--and while there's no need to try to repress the memories of them, we do need to make sure that those memories don't bring us down any more, and that they don't ruin what otherwise might be a very positive time in our lives.
We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we must allow others to grieve in their own ways, in their own time. Moving on with our lives depends upon how we grieve, and it's up to us to make sure we do so fully.
Questions to consider:
Why do so many people seem to be so uncomfortable with grief?
In what ways are you most comfortable grieving?
How do our lives play out if we don't allow ourselves to grieve a significant loss?
(From our new year of daily meditations, in progress now.)
We tend to look at grief as a response to losing something or somebody in our lives, especially to death. And while we like to tell people to take their time and grieve, we also tend to suggest to people who are grieving that it's important to move on with their lives and not let the grief consume them. As with everything else there must be balance, of course, but coming to terms with grief is something that none of us can understand for others, and it's important that we respect the grief of others and let it fulfill its purpose.
There's a myth in many cultures that says that human beings always have to be "strong," though strong isn't really well defined. Refusing to grieve and simply moving on with your life when faced with loss is not a productive way of dealing with adversity; nor is it an effective way of achieving balance in our lives. Allowing ourselves to grieve is truly the only way of moving past difficult losses, and the decision of whether to grieve or not is ours alone.
We grieve when we lose loved ones and acquaintances; we grieve when we lose jobs or even some material objects that have special meaning to us; we grieve when we graduate from school and "lose" the routines that have become so normal to us. If we don't grieve, these things can stick with us for a very long time--and while there's no need to try to repress the memories of them, we do need to make sure that those memories don't bring us down any more, and that they don't ruin what otherwise might be a very positive time in our lives.
We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we must allow others to grieve in their own ways, in their own time. Moving on with our lives depends upon how we grieve, and it's up to us to make sure we do so fully.
Questions to consider:
Why do so many people seem to be so uncomfortable with grief?
In what ways are you most comfortable grieving?
How do our lives play out if we don't allow ourselves to grieve a significant loss?
(From our new year of daily meditations, in progress now.)
14 January 2019
Abundance or lack?
When you have too much month
for your
paycheck, then
what you need to do is realize that there is abundance all
around you, and focus on the abundance and not your lack
and as night follows day abundance will come to you.
-Sidney Madwed
It took me many, many years to be
able to focus on abundance rather than lack, and I can honestly say that I'm
still not there yet. I still fear running out of money and resources; I
still fear not having enough food someday and not being able to meet my
responsibilities and commitments. My focus has always been on what I don't
have rather than what I have, and now that I'm more often focused on gratitude
for what I have, I find that I have more and I don't fear losing it nearly as
much.
In my family when I was growing up, the focus was always on lack. We had little money--sometimes none at all for a month at a time when my father would drink away his paycheck the weekend he received it. My mother was really good at keeping us fed, so we didn't starve at all, but that was partly because she grew up being poor, also, and she had learned how to stretch food to amazing lengths. Because of her poverty, though, she focused on what was missing, and she and my father taught us kids to do the same.
The world is full of resources for us, and it's up to us to take advantage of them--nobody's going to fill our baskets for us. Unfortunately, many of us take a defeatist attitude that says, "I'll never be rich, so I'll never have the good things." But the truth is that we can have the good things--we have to keep focusing on the abundance around us and figure out ways to tap into it rather than wishing against all hope that we could somehow have just a slice of it.
A lot of it has to do with choices, of course. I could have a lot more money than I have now if I were to choose to do some work other than teaching, but I love to teach and I'm good at it, so I keep with it. I do without certain things that I don't really need in order to experience abundance with other things--my wife and I never go to movies in expensive theaters, for example, but with the money we save there, we take nice little weekend trips to nearby areas. Abundance doesn't mean having it all, but it does mean experiencing a rich and fulfilling life.
-from our new year of Daily Meditations, in progress now.
what you need to do is realize that there is abundance all
around you, and focus on the abundance and not your lack
and as night follows day abundance will come to you.
-Sidney Madwed
In my family when I was growing up, the focus was always on lack. We had little money--sometimes none at all for a month at a time when my father would drink away his paycheck the weekend he received it. My mother was really good at keeping us fed, so we didn't starve at all, but that was partly because she grew up being poor, also, and she had learned how to stretch food to amazing lengths. Because of her poverty, though, she focused on what was missing, and she and my father taught us kids to do the same.
The world is full of resources for us, and it's up to us to take advantage of them--nobody's going to fill our baskets for us. Unfortunately, many of us take a defeatist attitude that says, "I'll never be rich, so I'll never have the good things." But the truth is that we can have the good things--we have to keep focusing on the abundance around us and figure out ways to tap into it rather than wishing against all hope that we could somehow have just a slice of it.
A lot of it has to do with choices, of course. I could have a lot more money than I have now if I were to choose to do some work other than teaching, but I love to teach and I'm good at it, so I keep with it. I do without certain things that I don't really need in order to experience abundance with other things--my wife and I never go to movies in expensive theaters, for example, but with the money we save there, we take nice little weekend trips to nearby areas. Abundance doesn't mean having it all, but it does mean experiencing a rich and fulfilling life.
-from our new year of Daily Meditations, in progress now.
10 December 2018
'Tis the season
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting. -Elizabeth Bibesco
It's the season for giving, especially among the people who celebrate Christmas. It's time for us to shift our focus from what we want to what others want, to try to figure out which gifts would be most appropriate and useful for the people we love.
Over the years I've watched people become miserable because the recipient of the gifts they've chosen didn't respond in ways that they expected. They've become angry and frustrated because they couldn't give without remembering--they not only kept in mind the fact that they had given something to someone else, but they held on to the resentment of the person's supposedly "inappropriate" response.
Personally, when I give a gift I honestly don't care how the person responds. It's really nice when they show appreciation and say thank you, but if they don't do so and I get upset about that, then I'm making myself upset--they're not the ones making me upset. If they love my gift and don't say thanks, great. If they dislike the gift, I just remember that choosing a gift is generally imperfect process, anyway, and that I did the best I could. But now they have something that they can pass on to someone else, or something that they can donate to a charity if they so choose. And tomorrow, I want to be on the same terms with them as I am today--me giving a gift shouldn't change anything. I'm not going to remind them of how generous I was to them in order to try to make them appreciate me all over again. That would just be silly.
When I get gifts, though, I do want to remember the side of the persons who gave them to me. I want to remember that person as kind and generous, no matter how they might act tomorrow, because it helps my perspective. Even if our relationship deteriorates in the future, I still have this positive element in my memory, and that's something that I don't want to lose.
and take without forgetting. -Elizabeth Bibesco
It's the season for giving, especially among the people who celebrate Christmas. It's time for us to shift our focus from what we want to what others want, to try to figure out which gifts would be most appropriate and useful for the people we love.
Over the years I've watched people become miserable because the recipient of the gifts they've chosen didn't respond in ways that they expected. They've become angry and frustrated because they couldn't give without remembering--they not only kept in mind the fact that they had given something to someone else, but they held on to the resentment of the person's supposedly "inappropriate" response.
Personally, when I give a gift I honestly don't care how the person responds. It's really nice when they show appreciation and say thank you, but if they don't do so and I get upset about that, then I'm making myself upset--they're not the ones making me upset. If they love my gift and don't say thanks, great. If they dislike the gift, I just remember that choosing a gift is generally imperfect process, anyway, and that I did the best I could. But now they have something that they can pass on to someone else, or something that they can donate to a charity if they so choose. And tomorrow, I want to be on the same terms with them as I am today--me giving a gift shouldn't change anything. I'm not going to remind them of how generous I was to them in order to try to make them appreciate me all over again. That would just be silly.
When I get gifts, though, I do want to remember the side of the persons who gave them to me. I want to remember that person as kind and generous, no matter how they might act tomorrow, because it helps my perspective. Even if our relationship deteriorates in the future, I still have this positive element in my memory, and that's something that I don't want to lose.
30 October 2018
Enlightened acceptance
If I could define enlightenment briefly I would say it is
"the quiet acceptance of what is." -Wayne Dyer
I really like and appreciate this line from Wayne. Perhaps I like it because of the use of the word "acceptance" in relation to enlightenment. Perhaps I like it because of his use of the word "quiet." No matter what the reasons for which I like it, though, it's a very important line for me because it tells me a lot about enlightenment and the paths I should be striving for in life if I actually want to reach some level of being enlightened.
Enlightenment really is quiet. You don't see it in the lives of braggarts and blowhards--in fact, you probably don't recognize enlightenment too often because those who are enlightened have absolutely no need to make their enlightenment known. Sometimes we get enlightened people who are in the public eye, such as the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa, but for the most part I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of enlightened people are among us every day, sharing our lives with us, witnessing our actions and reactions, and simply accepting us as we are.
Enlightenment, I believe, has to contain acceptance of the way things are because there really is no way to affect the way things are. We can work to change situations, but that affects the future present moments, not right now. So it's important that we realize that things are the way they are, and wishing they were different leads only to frustration and aggravation, not to constructive action.
Right now, you are who you are. Next week, you'll be a slightly different person (or possibly a very different person if something drastic happens to you). Accept that, and work with it for what it is. Right now, our political situation is what it is. Next week, it can be slightly different with a bit of input from people who haven't given input before, or a bit more input from people who have been trying for a while to improve things. The enlightened person realizes that things are as they are. They don't always have to be that way--and in fact, they're bound to change one way or another eventually--but wishing they were different is an ineffective way to approach our lives.
"the quiet acceptance of what is." -Wayne Dyer
I really like and appreciate this line from Wayne. Perhaps I like it because of the use of the word "acceptance" in relation to enlightenment. Perhaps I like it because of his use of the word "quiet." No matter what the reasons for which I like it, though, it's a very important line for me because it tells me a lot about enlightenment and the paths I should be striving for in life if I actually want to reach some level of being enlightened.
Enlightenment really is quiet. You don't see it in the lives of braggarts and blowhards--in fact, you probably don't recognize enlightenment too often because those who are enlightened have absolutely no need to make their enlightenment known. Sometimes we get enlightened people who are in the public eye, such as the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa, but for the most part I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of enlightened people are among us every day, sharing our lives with us, witnessing our actions and reactions, and simply accepting us as we are.
Enlightenment, I believe, has to contain acceptance of the way things are because there really is no way to affect the way things are. We can work to change situations, but that affects the future present moments, not right now. So it's important that we realize that things are the way they are, and wishing they were different leads only to frustration and aggravation, not to constructive action.
Right now, you are who you are. Next week, you'll be a slightly different person (or possibly a very different person if something drastic happens to you). Accept that, and work with it for what it is. Right now, our political situation is what it is. Next week, it can be slightly different with a bit of input from people who haven't given input before, or a bit more input from people who have been trying for a while to improve things. The enlightened person realizes that things are as they are. They don't always have to be that way--and in fact, they're bound to change one way or another eventually--but wishing they were different is an ineffective way to approach our lives.
23 October 2018
Do you control your possessions, or do they control you?
If we did
but know how little some enjoy of the great things
that they possess, there would not be much envy in the world.
-Edward Young
I knew a man once who earned a great deal of money and who had all the trappings of a "good life"--at least, all the trappings that money could buy. The house, the collectible car, the clothing, the expensive vacations, etc., etc., etc. Unfortunately, this man was very unhappy. He didn't enjoy anything that he had. Rather, he stressed about it all. The car stayed locked inside of a climate-controlled garage so that there would be no risk of scratches. The house remained a showcase--there were entire rooms blocked off so that there wouldn't be any footprints in the carpet. Eventually, he ended up having several surgeries for stress-related illnesses, and none of what he possessed could help him to recover.
I have quite a few possessions, but I try to make sure that they're things I can enjoy--books to read, movies to watch, music to listen to, bookcases to keep the books on. But when I look about myself right now, I see a wonderful table that I bought at a thrift store for $20, a bookcase that I built myself very inexpensively, an inexpensive couch and chair that we absolutely love. I don't think that everything should be bought as cheaply as possible, but I know from experience that more expensive does not equal better. We enjoy our possessions--we make full use of them and when we're done with them, we give them away to someone else who can use them.
I don't envy people with lots of possessions for two reasons: first, having lots of possessions means a lot of work in maintaining them, and I have better things to do than to maintain possessions; and second, many of the people who focus on getting things constantly need more things, and they never really enjoy the things they already have.
Look around at your possessions. Enjoy them. If they don't fit you any more, get rid of them. You'll be doing yourself a great favor when you establish a healthy relationship with the things you possess, instead of letting them control you, your thoughts, and your actions.
that they possess, there would not be much envy in the world.
-Edward Young
I knew a man once who earned a great deal of money and who had all the trappings of a "good life"--at least, all the trappings that money could buy. The house, the collectible car, the clothing, the expensive vacations, etc., etc., etc. Unfortunately, this man was very unhappy. He didn't enjoy anything that he had. Rather, he stressed about it all. The car stayed locked inside of a climate-controlled garage so that there would be no risk of scratches. The house remained a showcase--there were entire rooms blocked off so that there wouldn't be any footprints in the carpet. Eventually, he ended up having several surgeries for stress-related illnesses, and none of what he possessed could help him to recover.
I have quite a few possessions, but I try to make sure that they're things I can enjoy--books to read, movies to watch, music to listen to, bookcases to keep the books on. But when I look about myself right now, I see a wonderful table that I bought at a thrift store for $20, a bookcase that I built myself very inexpensively, an inexpensive couch and chair that we absolutely love. I don't think that everything should be bought as cheaply as possible, but I know from experience that more expensive does not equal better. We enjoy our possessions--we make full use of them and when we're done with them, we give them away to someone else who can use them.
I don't envy people with lots of possessions for two reasons: first, having lots of possessions means a lot of work in maintaining them, and I have better things to do than to maintain possessions; and second, many of the people who focus on getting things constantly need more things, and they never really enjoy the things they already have.
Look around at your possessions. Enjoy them. If they don't fit you any more, get rid of them. You'll be doing yourself a great favor when you establish a healthy relationship with the things you possess, instead of letting them control you, your thoughts, and your actions.
04 October 2018
What do I care about?
It is fair to say that the world around you is a mirror. Therefore
you have a lot more control over the future than you might think,because you can shape your world just by being true
to what you really care about.
-Bradley Trevor Greive
It's sometimes difficult for me to believe that life is a mirror, and that it reflects what I put into it. After all, so many things happen that are completely out of my control that it's not really fair to say that our current political situation is my fault. Maybe it is, and if that's the case, I'm sorry--but I'm pretty sure that politics in our country today have very little to do with me.
Then what does Bradley mean here? I think he means that we have to redefine our worlds to include those things over which we have some true sort of influence. The way I treat that man in the supermarket, the ways in which I interact with friends and coworkers, the love that I show--or fail to show--to my family. These are all part of my world, and they really do depend on my actions and attitudes. And what comes tomorrow in my world is going to be more a result of what I do today than it's going to be a result of chance, or of other people's input.
Just because I smile at someone doesn't mean that person has to smile back. That would be an unrealistic expectation on my part, and I don't want to be disappointed anymore by unfulfilled expectations. Just because I'm polite to you doesn't mean you'll be polite to me--I have no idea what kinds of tribulations you may be going through today. That's not what Bradley is talking about. What he means is that if you're not polite to me today, I see that as an opportunity to be compassionate, or I see it as something terrible that's going to make me feel bad. If I lose something important, I can see it as a disaster, or as something that's going to make me think more about how important it's been to me. And my tomorrow is going to depend on my balance and clarity today--I have much more of a chance to be working where I want to be tomorrow if I take great care in being a good person who instills confidence in my abilities during today's job interview. I have a better chance of being surrounded by friends if I treat people well today, if I show them that I care for them.
You do shape your world, and your tomorrow does depend on what you do today. Be aware of this fact, and make your tomorrow bright by doing good today. Don't get your expectations up too high for specific outcomes, though--sometimes life knows better than you do what's best for you!
http://livinglifefully.com/life4.htm
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