When I'm Stressed

It's somehow kind of frightening just how much stress in my life is created by my own mind.  Something can happen that really isn't that big of a deal at all, and my mind will seize upon it and turn it into something that will make my life more difficult, that will get me fired from my job, that will cause someone else to be angry with me.  Very rarely, these things actually will happen, but to be honest, most of the time I'm simply creating negative events and thoughts in my own mind, and I'm causing myself stress with my thoughts--the situation itself isn't really causing me to feel anything.

I do know where this tendency of mine comes from.  As a child, there were very few things I could do that didn't get my father angry for some reason or another.  I was always walking on eggshells, always afraid that something would set him off and cause me to feel his anger again.  In my adult years now, my mind is simply trained to see any sort of thing that could create conflict or that could be "wrong" as something that's going to get me into "trouble."  My brain was trained that way.  I do all that I can now to combat this tendency of mine to think this way, but the many years of training were very effective, and I constantly have to battle the feelings that come up rather automatically.

Don't worry--this isn't an attempt to blame a parent for all the ills in my life.  It's simply a straightforward explanation of how I've come to think in certain ways in certain circumstances.  I've had many years to deal with the effects of my early training, and I've come a very long way from where I used to be.  But I still have quite a ways to go until I'm free from the training that happened so long ago.

It's very important to me that I keep this in mind whenever I start to feel stress about something having to do with my job or a relationship.  I have to be careful that I don't allow my fear of being blamed--and then punished--for things that are beyond my control, rob me of my peace of mind from day to day.  Something might have happened at work that doesn't seem right, but sometimes, such things happen.  I can deal with it and make it right without feeling the stress of the fear of being blamed.  I'm very capable, and very good at what I do, so there's no need for me to worry so much.

I write this because my brain kept me up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night, focused on something that happened at work yesterday.  And it's something very trivial, but there are some things I'm going to have to explain--and they're fully explainable.  There really is no problem, but my mind has decided to fill me with stressful feelings that keep me awake at night.  It's rather silly and unfortunate, but it is what it is.  As long as I keep in mind that the stress is a result of years on negative training, I can hopefully circumvent it and not allow the situation to make me miserable for a certain amount of time.

Sometimes, it really is important for us to know the source of some negative feelings so that we can deal with them effectively and still live our lives fully.

Serenity

Serenity can be seen as a synonym for peace, of course.  But in our lives, each of us defines words for ourselves.  Your idea of what peace is will differ from mine, and my idea of what the word "discombobulate" means will not be the same as your definition.  To me, the word "serenity" indicates a state that many of us try to achieve, while peace is the quality that we pursue while trying to achieve a state of serenity.  The reason that so many people fail to achieve a state of serenity, though, is that so many of us are pursuing peace rather than trying simply to uncover peace.  After all, peace is here within us all along, and our pursuit keeps us too distracted to look inside for the source of peace.

When I arrive at a state of serenity--even if only momentarily--I'm able to look at the world without feeling that there's something I need to be doing to try to fix things.  I feel that it's okay to let the world turn without my assistance, and that I don't need to be judging other people and what they do.  Serenity allows me to relax, which allows me to sink even more deeply into the state, and it allows me to feel that it's fine to simply be, without always having to do things in order to prove that it's okay to be.

The peace that we seek has to do with acceptance.  One of the reasons for which we often tend to reject acceptance is that we've been taught that if there's a problem we need to fix it.  Unfortunately, though, many of the things that we see as problems aren't problems at all, and our lack of peace is simply our unwillingness to accept something that we don't feel should be the way it is.  In my life I've spent many a stressful hour fretting about something that in the end I never changed, and that in the end, I found out was fine just the way it was.  If a friend was about to make a huge mistake and wouldn't listen to my advice, I stressed--and what the friend did turned out to be fine anyway.

My other huge mistake has been stressing about futures that never showed up.  "If this is allowed to go on," I would tell myself, "then these negative things will be happening in my future."  And my lack of serenity that happened because of the chaos that was going on in my own mind turned out to be a waste of time.  Those negative things never happened, so I was spending time far, far away from a state of serenity for absolutely no reason at all.

Accepting things doesn't necessarily mean that we approve of them.  Accepting them as they are at this moment doesn't mean that we can't try to change them.  But accepting them does allow us to have a certain degree of serenity in our lives, and it allows us to let the peace that's already an important part of who we are come to the surface and give us a much healthier perspective on life and living.  Today I want to spend time in a state of serenity, and if I want to do that, I need to allow the peace inside of me to become the peace that influences me more than anything else influences me.  It's in there, and it's waiting patiently to come out and to fill our lives with itself.

As It Is

There's an awful lot to be said for taking life, for taking the world, "as it is."  One of the greatest sources of our own dissatisfaction and stress and frustration is the fact that the world around us isn't "as we want it"; rather, the world is as it is, and the sooner we learn to accept that fact--and even celebrate it--the sooner we can get on with our lives and really make them something to be enjoyed.

When we buy a car or a house "as is," there's always a certain risk involved, isn't there?  Maybe the seller has had some problem with the engine, and he knows that major work will be necessary in a few months or a year.  Perhaps the seller knows that the water heater of the house has been functioning erratically, or that the furnace is on its last legs, and is hoping to unload the house without having to pay for that sort of repairs.

Life isn't a car or a house.  Life comes to us each moment, on a moment-by-moment basis, and asks us to take it as it is.  It asks us gently--it's only a demand if we receive the request as a demand.  Our lives unfold regularly, always carrying us along with them, yet we somehow never are taught to deal with life regularly, never taught how to live life moment by moment.  Just as with buying a home or a car, though, there are risks inherent in life, and life also asks us to make decisions that could turn out badly for us.  Should we give our heart to that person who may harm it?  Should we move on to a new place or a new career in order to be more fulfilled?  Should we trust ourselves with our decisions and our plans?  Each moment comes filled to the brim with life--should we throw ourselves whole-heartedly at this moment, or should we hold back in order to keep ourselves from being harmed?

One of the biggest obstacles that we have to overcome in taking life as it is, is the fact that we tend not to trust life completely.  However we choose to see life, God, or the Universe, we tend to see ourselves as being very small and insignificant in the vastness of reality--why would things turn out well for me when I'm so tiny that God or life doesn't really care what happens to me?  That's an obstacle, though, that we've allowed to thrive within ourselves and that takes great effort to tear down.

The fact is that life can be trusted.  Millions of people have made their ways through life and have thrived doing so, and they've left behind teachings that can help us do the same thing.  Most of them have made it very clear that trusting life and living--or God and ourselves--is the first thing we need to accomplish in order to live full and healthy lives.  Personally, I've always had huge issues with trust, but as I've read the words of people who led happy lives, I realized that I needed to tear down my mistrust if I were to have any chance at being happy.  And I've learned that the more I trust life, the more life responds with being completely trustworthy.  I haven't become rich or famous, and I'm not able to stop working and travel the world, but I have all that I need and even more--I have shelter and food and a wonderful wife and family and friends and work that's fulfilling and hobbies that I find to be fascinating.

My discontent with life would start with a simple premise: this isn't enough.  This is life as it is, but since I don't have more now, I'm not going to be content or satisfied right here, right now.  That would be simply me being immature and silly.  After all, if I think something should be improved, I can only decide to work now to change it for the future.  It still is the way it is.  When I can accept it, I can know that this moment is perfect, for even the problems in it are there to spur me on to solving them, to challenge myself to make my future days even more positive.  Obstacles are there to teach me how to function in life, how to push myself past my previous limitations.

Do you accept life as is?  Is there something in your life that is so bad that it prevents you from accepting the beauty and wonder of each moment?  If you can remember that the negative parts of life are there to help you to learn and grow, perhaps you'll be able to see the perfection of the current moment, and you'll be able to accept life exactly as it is, right here and right now.  This present moment truly is the only moment when life actually occurs, and if it's pushing you to challenge yourself, then meet that challenge to make your future present moments even more positive, fulfilling, and full of wonder than you ever imagine they could be.

 

 

Reflections

I've seen the quotation many times in different forms:  We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.  In other words, our perception of what we see is strongly influenced by what we are as people and what's going on in our lives.  The same action by the same person can be seen in various ways by different people who are leading different lives.  If I pick up a piece of trash on the street, one person may see me as a civic-minded citizen, while another will see me as a do-gooder who's just trying to impress other people.  Someone else may see me as an insecure person who's trying to make other people like me, while a fourth person may see me as a clean freak, a person who's so obsessed with cleanliness that I even have to clean the streets.

What does this mean to me?  Quite simply, it warns me that I need to be very slow to judge others.  If I have an argument with my wife this morning, I may have a problem later in the day when someone does something that I don't like.  I may judge that person or his or her actions based upon what I'm feeling about the argument.  This is why I really appreciate the concept of being an observer, and not a judge.  When I see someone do something that I don't like, I can remind myself that there may be many different reasons for which that person has done that something.  Once I remind myself of that fact, I can also withhold judgment, realizing that I really don't know which of the reasons is correct.

Of course, some actions are just stupid and obnoxious.  A person throwing a bag of trash out of a car window as they drive by is doing something horrible, and a person stealing money is also doing wrong.  The filters caused by where I am in life aren't giving me a wrong message in these cases.  But they are still unique messages.  A different person will see those two things in a different way.

I suppose that my reason for pondering this idea is that I want the way that I am to be positive and compassionate.  I want the way that I see the world to be fair and as impartial as I can imagine.  I don't want to leap to harsh judgment just because of something in my own life--if I do that, I'm affecting myself just as much--and probably more--than I'm affecting the other person.  And I don't want to do that.

And on another hand, I also want appreciation of beauty to be a part of who I am so that when I see sunsets and rainbows, I can recognize their beauty and feel awed and inspired by it.  Some people do little more than glance at miraculous sunsets, for they don't see the beauty in them--for they don't see the beauty in themselves.

My Declaration of Independence

When, in the course of my lifetime I find it important to define just where I fit in in this world, I start to realize the incredible number of people, organizations, and businesses that want me to be simply a walking, talking, spending automaton, and I realize how important it is to declare my independence from the forces in the world that seek to downplay and even denigrate my individuality and beautiful uniqueness.  With these forces that threaten my ability to be myself firmly in place, I find it necessary to declare my independence from these very forces through a firm declaration of what I am and what I am not.

1.  I am not simply a potential customer with cash and credit cards, able to purchase anything I want whenever I want.  I make purchases based on my perceived needs, yet I must stay independent from the advertisers and marketers who seek to create artificial needs in my mind.


2.  I am not simply a member of a demographic group.  I am not a Gen-X'er, nor am I a member of a certain age, ethnic, or geographical group.  I am a unique individual whose uniqueness is one of the most important aspects of who I am.

3.  I am able to think for myself, and I am able to recognize when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking as they wish me to think.  It is very important to me to recognize the logic that others are using to determine whether they are being honest and truthful or whether they are using false logic and/or facts to try to affect my thoughts and opinions.

4.  I am a member of several communities, but none of these communities defines who I am as a human being.  I am independent of such superficial definitions, for I know that it is impossible to define or categorize any human being based on any superficial criteria such as the town I live in, the language I speak, or my nationality.

5.  I am not defined by my work or my chosen profession.  Once I allow myself to be so defined, I am subject to many preconceived notions, prejudices, and biases on the parts of others who are unable to see past their own ideas of what people who are so defined are actually like.

6.  I am created equal to all other human beings on this planet in the eyes of God.  Other human beings may be better writers, athletes, or teachers, or they may earn more money or enjoy more fame, but those factors in no way makes anyone "better" than me.  I will not be devalued or looked down upon based on any other people's definitions of success.

7.  I am important, and I can affect other people's lives to varying degrees.  I can encourage and motivate, inspire and lift up, but I also can discourage and harm if I am not careful.  I will not be convinced that I and my opinions and thoughts do not matter.

As the technological age advances and marketing techniques and strategies become more invasive and insidious, it's important for me always to remind myself of my own value and individuality.  If I'm unable to do so, I face the danger of having my thoughts begin to conform to the ideas of who I am that are put forth by people who do not know me and who never will meet me and get to know me.

I am independent, and I am a part of an interdependent culture that covers the entire world.  I am responsible to myself, and only in fulfilling that responsibility to myself will I be able to fulfill my responsibilities to the rest of the world.  Those who seek to put me into a niche and keep me there are not harming just me if I allow them to convince me that they're right; rather, they're harming the entire world by causing me to keep down my beautiful uniqueness, for then I will be unable to share it and my gifts with others who just may need to have them shared.

I am I, and I am happy and proud of that fact.  I make mistakes, and I hurt people; I do good things and I help others.  I am human, I am unique, and I have many gifts.  Only I can define who I am, through my thoughts and actions and prayers.  I am not open to definition from others.

Who Is That Person?

I'm often amazed at just how much influence we allow other people to have in our lives without ever asking ourselves if that person actually deserves to have any influence at all.  I see people pushed to the brink of depression by comments made by people who really don't care about them at all.  I see people following the lead of others who really don't deserve to be followed at all.  I see people who make important decisions about their lives based on the advice of people who really shouldn't be giving advice in the first place, because their own lives are pretty messed up when all is said and done.

Whenever someone has any influence on our lives at all, it's because we allow that person to have that influence.  Even our bosses have influence over us because we've chosen to take a certain job and keep it.  But that doesn't mean that we should give to them the ability to change our moods, to make us upset or angry or frustrated.  The fact is that most of the way we feel has to do with our reactions to other people rather than the actions that those people take.

A concept that I try to teach to my students is this:  if a person does something to you that's hurtful, there are two possibilities--that person did it by accident, or did it on purpose.  If the former is the case, then there's no need to be upset about anything.  And if the person did it on purpose to get us upset, then that means that the person isn't someone that we should respect or admire, or in any way affect us--a person who would do something to hurt us isn't worth us being hurt over.

When we see an ad on TV that makes us want to buy something, do we ever stop to think who it was who made the ad, and why?  Well, obviously they made it because they got paid to make it, and they really don't care one way or another about us as people.  Why should they care if wanting this new item or food or product is best for us or not?  What we should care about is whether it's good for us or not, and just who is behind trying to convince us that it is, indeed, best.

We all have times and situations in which we're followers, but it's important that we know just whom we're following.  Not everyone out there deserves our devotion or our allegiance or even our attention, yet we very often allow ourselves to be persuaded by people whom we don't know about things that are pretty important to us, whether these people deserve our trust or not.  Is the actor who's trying to sell us an insurance policy really worthy of our respect, or is he just getting a paycheck?  Is the doctor who's pushing the newest drug really interested in our best, or is he interested in adding to his own bank account?  Is the "friend" who's trying to get us to do something we're not comfortable with really a person whom we want to follow, or is he someone about whom we should know more before we decide whether to follow his ideas or not?


Just because someone's in a position of authority doesn't mean that the person is trustworthy.  Just because someone calls him or herself friend doesn't mean that we should follow that person.  We really do need to ask ourselves more often just who this person is who's trying to get us to do something, and until we're sure of the answer, we probably should stick to our intuition and instinct.  It's important that we know a lot about someone before we allow them to have influence over us.  After all, the stakes always can be quite high. . . .

Spring Snow

It's snowing outside right now, and it has been for the last thirteen hours or so.  We're having a nice spring snow and believe me, not everyone's happy about it.  This time of year people are anxious for warmer temperatures to show up and stay, not just come for a few days, tease us with their warmth, and then give way to more snow.

Personally, though, I really enjoy spring snows.  They remind me that no matter how we think the world or our lives are proceeding, there's still plenty of room for drastic change.  And that change isn't necessarily a negative thing--it's just different.  It may be something that we simply have to deal with for a short time, like a spring snow, or it may be a permanent change.  Either way, though, it happens, and once it does it's up to us to make the best of it, or at least to incorporate it into our lives as it is, for what it is.

This spring snow is the type with the big heavy flakes that cover everything, and we have a couple of inches of it already.  But because it's a spring snow and the days have been warmer, the streets and sidewalks aren't covered at all.  They've been heating up over the last few weeks, and even in the middle of the night they were still too warm for the snow to stick on them.  And it's not accompanied by a deep freeze, so the plants and trees that have bloomed aren't going to be dying.  And we all know that warmer days are right behind the snow, so it's not going to be covering everything for weeks, as would have been the case with a January snow.

There are those who say "It's April, and we shouldn't have any more snow."  There are others who say, "So what if it's April?  Nature's going to do her thing, and we have to deal with it."  Still others proclaim, "This is an amazing act of beauty that makes our world incredibly beautiful for a short time, so let's enjoy it while it's here."  The people in the last two groups aren't going to let the weather bring them down, and their days won't be ruined by a simple act of nature.  The people in the final group, though, are experiencing something that brings them joy just the way it is.  That's the group that I hope to be in when all is said and done.  Life throws us curve balls sometimes, but many a curve ball has been slammed over the fence.  It depends on what kind of batters we are.