Sometimes I get perplexed. I keep living my life and moving from day to day, but I don't seem to be advancing all the time, getting better at the things that I really value. Instead, I seem to keep falling into the same behaviors and thought patterns, allowing myself to be pulled down or pulled here and there by my emotions and my thoughts, rather than being somewhat in control of what I think. I get frustrated, only to ask myself, "Why did I get so frustrated?" I lose my cool, only to ask myself later, "What the heck did I lose my cool for? It makes no sense!"
Sometimes I start to think that I'm actually progressing, that I'm getting all that I can out of life, and then I suddenly realize that I haven't done anything really fun for the last few days--or anything to help another person, or to encourage a person, or to contribute to the positive energy of the world. And there are even times when I catch myself being negative, looking on the darker side of things, being childish and vindictive and hurtful.
What does it take? What does it take to be mindful all the time and working towards our own personal betterment all the time. I'm not judging myself harshly here--I'm simply observing what happens in my life and pondering it. Pondering what happens and why it may happen, and what I may not be doing that I should be doing. I truly do want to be a more mindful, more patient, more compassionate and kind and loving person, but so often I fall short of all that, and I fall into the human traps that I'm well aware of and that I warn other people about, and I feel that I haven't progressed at all, in any way.
I truly want to be mindful, for if I am, I can help other people more--I can love them better and see their needs and do more for them. If I'm mindful, then those days when I feel crappy can't happen because I'll be mindful of my blessings and allow them to be the dominant influence of my life. If I'm mindful, then I can live each day with complete awareness of all that is good in the world, and I won't succumb to doubt and despair and discouragement.
Though being mindful, of course, also means being aware of the bad things that go on in life. We can't pay attention to just the beauty and the blessings, or we face the risk of being overwhelmed by the negative if we don't recognize it in time. Being mindful of our relationships allows us to recognize changes; being mindful at work allows us to see potential problems earlier; being mindful of our living environments can help us to be aware of things going bad early in the process.
So I want to be mindful--but am I really? Am I able to see the things I need to see, or do I just go from day to day pretending that I see them? Do I call myself mindful while I go through life blindly, constantly doing the same things and getting the same results? Am I mindful enough to be able to help others when I recognize the need for help, or am I just fooling myself into thinking that I'm more mindful than other people are because I've been introduced to the concept of mindfulness?
Good questions.
And at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I can answer them completely accurately. I know that I want to be mindful, but I often doubt if I truly am. And this truth leaves me with a seemingly obvious course of action: I need to keep on working at it. I don't want to be harshly judgmental of myself if I'm not being mindful, for I am trying. Constantly. But I also want to keep in mind that I do need to be true to my desires and my intentions--if I claim that I want to be mindful, then I need to constantly monitor myself to be sure that I'm at least trying to make that my reality. I don't want to be someone who says, "I'm going to be more mindful," only to just keep on doing what I've been doing forever. Fooling myself is not a good way to go through life.
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