I'm about to have to re-invent myself. My wife and I are going to move, for a variety of reasons, and it looks as if I'm not going to be able to simply start over again doing what I've always done, which has been mostly teaching. There are quite a few reasons that this is the case, including age, but I don't want to dwell on the reasons. Rather, I feel that I need to focus on the changes that I can make in positive ways to earn a living doing something different with my time and my life, without resorting to taking just any extremely low-paying job that I can get, which would ensure us that we would eventually run out of money and have to scrape by on whatever we can get for the last years of our lives.
The thought is rather intimidating. We're moving to an area where we haven't lived before, so we have no contacts and we don't know anyone there. That means we won't have any local references, and we won't have any friends who can suggest jobs to us because they've heard that someone needs help. Instead, we're going to have to make our own ways and do our best to find something suitable that we'll enjoy doing and that will help us to pay the bills. There is a certain amount of risk inherent in a move like this.
And that's okay. We're both willing to make this move because we both trust that life will take care of us. We may face some difficult times and situations, but we don't expect to face impossible times and situations. We're going to give it all that we have and trust that what is meant to be, will be. And we may both end up finding work that is completely different than what we expected or than what we've done in the past, and that's okay, too. One or both of us may end up working evenings for a while, and we'll deal with that when and if we have to. No matter how things go, much of how our lives pan out after we move is up to us--up to the attitudes we have towards the move and whatever new jobs that we have, and up to the dynamics of the place that we move to.
We've done this before, but always with a job to look forward to. We've always had some sort of income waiting for us when we arrived in a new place. That won't be the case this time, though. So we have to do the best we can to make sure that we find something that will help us to pay the rent and pay the bills, and hopefully put something away for retirement.
Our option, of course, is to stay where we are and continue doing what we've been doing for several years, even though there are several very strong reasons for moving. When all is said and done, the reasons for moving outweigh the reasons for staying, so if we were to stay here, we would be doing so only because we hesitate to take a risk that we're sure will be worthwhile. We don't want to stay where we are simply because we're afraid to take risks. We know what the desired course of action is, and we're going to take it no matter how difficult or frightening it may seem.
Much of our decision to do this results from our constant decision to trust life, and to live our lives as fully as we can. There are some important things missing from our lives where we live right now, and it seems quite obvious that something is missing. We want to take the chance that finding another place to live will help us with those things, and we've put a lot of thought into where we might go that will help this to happen. We know that if we stay where we are we'd be simply treading water when we'd prefer to be swimming--so hopefully we're heading to a swimming hole where we can move forward.
Taking such risks is not for everyone, and there's a part of me that would love to have been a person who lived in one place his whole life, but that boat has long since sailed. We're doing what we think is the best for us right now, and we're not allowing the perceived risks to keep us from making a change that we think will be very positive. And even though the change means that I'm probably going to have to re-invent myself and what I do to make a living, I'm looking forward to making the changes and seeing what kinds of new things life has to offer us.
08 June 2019
05 June 2019
Living Fully in a Divided World
We all see it pretty constantly: the people in the world we live in are becoming more and more divided, more and more willing to point fingers and one another and blame each other for everything from economic problems to moral decay to political disasters. It's becoming increasingly difficult for us to keep ourselves separate from the conflicts that arise day in and day out, often in our own lives, but especially on social media, where we do a whole lot of our arguing and finger-pointing and name-calling these days.
So how do we live fully and happily in a world full of conflict? When one friend or family member is calling another one names because of their political beliefs, how do we respond? Do we become part of the conflict ourselves? Or are there other strategies that we can employ?
If we want to keep our peace and not get completely stressed out every day, it's important that we keep our minds on what really matters--namely, the planet we live on and all that lives here. If we're to truly contribute in positive ways to this world, then we need to make sure that we're not adding negative energy to a situation. It's difficult to watch one person criticize or insult another, and it's even more difficult sometimes to not add fuel to the fire by adding our own insults to the mix. But conflict feeds upon itself, and the more people it can draw into itself, the stronger it becomes. We can't be drawn into it, for if we allow ourselves to be pulled in, we lose our peace and we lose our balance--and the deeper we're drawn in, the less balance we have.
I've developed a technique of questioning. If I hear someone insult another, or if I see an insulting post online, I try to say something like, "I don't understand why you're insulting this other person. What purpose do you want to serve by doing so?" Or, "Why do you resort to name-calling? I don't see how it helps anything." When I do this, I do so in the hopes of defusing, not of putting anyone down. (I do realize, though, that some people will even find sentences like these to be insulting, but then we're dealing with pretty severe personal issues, it seems.) When most people are asked to justify their insults and realize that they're really not able to do so, they'll back off and avoid making things worse. If nothing else, perhaps I can make them think twice the next time that they're tempted to call someone else a name, trying to incite conflict.
I also try to keep my statements as objective as possible. When someone posts a lie about someone else (especially in the form of stupid memes), I try to respond with something like, "This is completely untrue," and I include a link to a page that explains the truth of the matter (it takes usually about 30 seconds to find one). If it's something egregious or hate-filled, I might follow up with a comment like, "You do realize, of course, that this is the sort of thing that's contributing to the division in our country, and not the unity." I'll admit, usually people don't like hearing something like that, and they often get quite defensive in response. And almost never do they take the post down.
But one thing that's important to keep in mind is that we should be in this sort of thing for the long haul. If I do point out a lie and the other person attacks me, I remind myself that that's to be expected sometimes, and at least I've done what I can to point out a wrong. What we have to do is let go of any short-term expectations--no one is going to take down a post and apologize for it when we point out that it's a lie or that it's divisive. But hopefully they'll start thinking about whether or not the next thing they post is true or not, and perhaps they'll abstain from spreading lies in the future.
I can only live my life fully if I don't always stay silent when I see a wrong. You see, staying silent often makes me complicit in the wrong, depending on what it is. Sometimes we see things that are wrong that are not a huge deal. If I see someone roll through a stop sign on an empty street, I'm not going to immediately call the police and report them. But if there are children present and the same thing happens, I'll be sure to call them. If someone posts a meme saying that all people from Indiana are stupid, I'm not going to say anything because it's probably just a joke, no matter how dumb it may be. But if I see a meme that's trying to be fear-mongering, then I'm going to say something. Memes and stories claiming that vaccines cause autism are simply spreading fear, and the claim was long ago debunked--spreading that particular lie now is simply irresponsible. Now, if you have documentation of the truth of the matter and you share that, too, then I'll give the benefit of the doubt.
We're never all going to believe the same things; we're not going to belong to the same political parties; we're not going to agree on directions our community, city, state, or nation should take. And when we're surrounded by conflict, it can be difficult to feel our own sense of balance, to keep peace of mind amid the turmoil. It's important that we come up with strategies for dealing with people who are trying to further conflict, and that we stick to those strategies. Then we'll know two things: first, we've done what we can to be productive in a negative situation, and second, we've planted a seed while keeping ourselves out of the fray. Both of these things are very important to all of us. We don't need more people in the fights--let them not be us.
So how do we live fully and happily in a world full of conflict? When one friend or family member is calling another one names because of their political beliefs, how do we respond? Do we become part of the conflict ourselves? Or are there other strategies that we can employ?
If we want to keep our peace and not get completely stressed out every day, it's important that we keep our minds on what really matters--namely, the planet we live on and all that lives here. If we're to truly contribute in positive ways to this world, then we need to make sure that we're not adding negative energy to a situation. It's difficult to watch one person criticize or insult another, and it's even more difficult sometimes to not add fuel to the fire by adding our own insults to the mix. But conflict feeds upon itself, and the more people it can draw into itself, the stronger it becomes. We can't be drawn into it, for if we allow ourselves to be pulled in, we lose our peace and we lose our balance--and the deeper we're drawn in, the less balance we have.
I've developed a technique of questioning. If I hear someone insult another, or if I see an insulting post online, I try to say something like, "I don't understand why you're insulting this other person. What purpose do you want to serve by doing so?" Or, "Why do you resort to name-calling? I don't see how it helps anything." When I do this, I do so in the hopes of defusing, not of putting anyone down. (I do realize, though, that some people will even find sentences like these to be insulting, but then we're dealing with pretty severe personal issues, it seems.) When most people are asked to justify their insults and realize that they're really not able to do so, they'll back off and avoid making things worse. If nothing else, perhaps I can make them think twice the next time that they're tempted to call someone else a name, trying to incite conflict.
I also try to keep my statements as objective as possible. When someone posts a lie about someone else (especially in the form of stupid memes), I try to respond with something like, "This is completely untrue," and I include a link to a page that explains the truth of the matter (it takes usually about 30 seconds to find one). If it's something egregious or hate-filled, I might follow up with a comment like, "You do realize, of course, that this is the sort of thing that's contributing to the division in our country, and not the unity." I'll admit, usually people don't like hearing something like that, and they often get quite defensive in response. And almost never do they take the post down.
But one thing that's important to keep in mind is that we should be in this sort of thing for the long haul. If I do point out a lie and the other person attacks me, I remind myself that that's to be expected sometimes, and at least I've done what I can to point out a wrong. What we have to do is let go of any short-term expectations--no one is going to take down a post and apologize for it when we point out that it's a lie or that it's divisive. But hopefully they'll start thinking about whether or not the next thing they post is true or not, and perhaps they'll abstain from spreading lies in the future.
I can only live my life fully if I don't always stay silent when I see a wrong. You see, staying silent often makes me complicit in the wrong, depending on what it is. Sometimes we see things that are wrong that are not a huge deal. If I see someone roll through a stop sign on an empty street, I'm not going to immediately call the police and report them. But if there are children present and the same thing happens, I'll be sure to call them. If someone posts a meme saying that all people from Indiana are stupid, I'm not going to say anything because it's probably just a joke, no matter how dumb it may be. But if I see a meme that's trying to be fear-mongering, then I'm going to say something. Memes and stories claiming that vaccines cause autism are simply spreading fear, and the claim was long ago debunked--spreading that particular lie now is simply irresponsible. Now, if you have documentation of the truth of the matter and you share that, too, then I'll give the benefit of the doubt.
We're never all going to believe the same things; we're not going to belong to the same political parties; we're not going to agree on directions our community, city, state, or nation should take. And when we're surrounded by conflict, it can be difficult to feel our own sense of balance, to keep peace of mind amid the turmoil. It's important that we come up with strategies for dealing with people who are trying to further conflict, and that we stick to those strategies. Then we'll know two things: first, we've done what we can to be productive in a negative situation, and second, we've planted a seed while keeping ourselves out of the fray. Both of these things are very important to all of us. We don't need more people in the fights--let them not be us.
02 June 2019
Modern Obstacles to Living Life Fully: The Phone
There are many people who get quite upset when someone tells them that they shouldn't be on their cell phones or their computers so much. In a way, I understand them--we really shouldn't tell others what they should and shouldn't do with their lives (and I just did what I said we shouldn't do simply to make the point of how easy it is to do so). We get defensive when someone else tells us that we're doing something wrong and that we need to change.
I think that rather than telling people what to do or not to do, we should make it our goal to try to educate them about what may happen if they don't change things up. We need to educate others on what they're choosing to miss out on if they continue on their present course.
I truly dislike cell phones and the ways that they control people. I can't get too upset with the people who are addicted to them because they're simply responding to an incredible amount of advertising and marketing designed to manipulate them into thinking that these phones are actually necessary The marketers also tell them that they'll be happier people the more "connected" they become via social media and other apps that are designed more to set the hooks more deeply into them than they're designed to help them to have happy lives.
After all, the bottom line is this: The more addicted you become to your phone, the more money a lot of people make off of you. But most of us look at our addictions only as far as they're fulfilling a need or a want. We don't want to think that the alcohol industry wants us to be addicted to alcohol so that they'll have a steady stream of income from us; the candy industry wants us to be addicted to their candy so that they'll be getting our money regularly; and the phone and app makers and the service providers want us to be addicted to our phones because they make lots of money because of our devotion to paying for their devices and services. But all we look at is: I want to check my email when I want, I want to talk on the phone when I want, or I want to take selfies when I want.
Remember when many people finally bought a cell phone, but only with the promise that it was "only for emergencies"?
What I try to get people to realize, though, is what they miss from life when they're constantly on their phones. When I walk into my classes at the university these days, they're pretty much always quiet--at least nine of ten of the students are focused on their screens, and the other few students are sitting quietly waiting for class to start, unable to talk to their neighbors who are focused on their screens. When I was a student, I met more people before classes than I did in almost any other situation. I would talk to the person sitting next to me, and they would actually talk, also. If you liked the person you sat next to, it was worth it getting to class five or ten minutes early to have a longer chat, or to suggest a cup of coffee or something after class. That doesn't happen any more. It's really kind of spooky and disconcerting to walk into classrooms that have 30 people sitting in them, but that are dead quiet. So many opportunities for knowing other human beings are being lost, every single day because we're so attached to our screens.
I also want to teach people just how we lose our ability to focus on the here and now when we're on the phone with someone who's there, not here. We were once on vacation with a friend of the family, and this person was constantly getting calls from her husband. Instead of being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery and peacefulness of where we were, she was constantly being pulled from the moment to argue with her husband about something back home, or to tell him where something was, or to have a long discussion about something involving their house. I really wanted to take her phone from her and throw it into the bay because every time she started arguing with him, we had to be party to the argument, and we lost the beauty of the present moment, also. To this day I still don't understand why she refused to turn her phone off, even though several times she said she should do just that.
"You should," both my wife and I agreed with her. She never did.
What always shocks me, though, is just how much people are paying for these things. In addition to the outrageous price for the phone itself--which most people replace every two or three years, at least--there's the monthly fees for the phone service, for the GPS, for the music service, or for the myriad of other services that simply nickel-and-dime people to death. Many people are paying over $200 a month simply for phone services, and that's a huge amount of money--$2400 a year, or enough for a new car every eight or nine years.
I don't want to get too far into the "when I was a kid" approach to looking at life, but here goes: When I was a kid, we had one phone, it stayed at home, and we paid $15-20 a month for the service.
And we were fine. In many ways we could argue that we were actually better off because we had fewer addictions than our populace faces today.
Could you leave your phone at home for a day without pining for it and wishing you had it with you every moment? Why don't you try it? See how many more birds you hear singing; find out how many more people can you look in the eye and greet warmly; learn how many flowers you walk by each day without noticing them. Feel the breeze and listen to it in your ears instead of listening to the same songs over and over again on Pandora. Stay focused on the present moment where you are right now instead of talking so much to people who are in other places. Revel in the ability to sit down and not feel pressure to call or text someone while you have a few "free" moments (which aren't free any more once you decide to use them texting). Watch the clouds roll by or roll in; listen to the kids playing; hear laughter that isn't coming to you through a speaker.
If we truly want to live life fully, we have to be multi-dimensional. We must be aware of the world around us and the needs of the people we're with. Phones make us uni-dimensional, and they keep us focused on things that aren't truly a part of the reality in which we find ourselves (and no, I don't buy the argument that things that come over the phone are part of our reality because they're coming over the phone, for valid reasons that I'll address later). Our connections to our phones are carefully crafted addictions that we either can't or won't recognize as such, and we're paying dearly for our addiction, both in cash and in the loss of our connection to the world to which we belong.
I think that rather than telling people what to do or not to do, we should make it our goal to try to educate them about what may happen if they don't change things up. We need to educate others on what they're choosing to miss out on if they continue on their present course.
I truly dislike cell phones and the ways that they control people. I can't get too upset with the people who are addicted to them because they're simply responding to an incredible amount of advertising and marketing designed to manipulate them into thinking that these phones are actually necessary The marketers also tell them that they'll be happier people the more "connected" they become via social media and other apps that are designed more to set the hooks more deeply into them than they're designed to help them to have happy lives.
After all, the bottom line is this: The more addicted you become to your phone, the more money a lot of people make off of you. But most of us look at our addictions only as far as they're fulfilling a need or a want. We don't want to think that the alcohol industry wants us to be addicted to alcohol so that they'll have a steady stream of income from us; the candy industry wants us to be addicted to their candy so that they'll be getting our money regularly; and the phone and app makers and the service providers want us to be addicted to our phones because they make lots of money because of our devotion to paying for their devices and services. But all we look at is: I want to check my email when I want, I want to talk on the phone when I want, or I want to take selfies when I want.
Remember when many people finally bought a cell phone, but only with the promise that it was "only for emergencies"?
What I try to get people to realize, though, is what they miss from life when they're constantly on their phones. When I walk into my classes at the university these days, they're pretty much always quiet--at least nine of ten of the students are focused on their screens, and the other few students are sitting quietly waiting for class to start, unable to talk to their neighbors who are focused on their screens. When I was a student, I met more people before classes than I did in almost any other situation. I would talk to the person sitting next to me, and they would actually talk, also. If you liked the person you sat next to, it was worth it getting to class five or ten minutes early to have a longer chat, or to suggest a cup of coffee or something after class. That doesn't happen any more. It's really kind of spooky and disconcerting to walk into classrooms that have 30 people sitting in them, but that are dead quiet. So many opportunities for knowing other human beings are being lost, every single day because we're so attached to our screens.
I also want to teach people just how we lose our ability to focus on the here and now when we're on the phone with someone who's there, not here. We were once on vacation with a friend of the family, and this person was constantly getting calls from her husband. Instead of being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery and peacefulness of where we were, she was constantly being pulled from the moment to argue with her husband about something back home, or to tell him where something was, or to have a long discussion about something involving their house. I really wanted to take her phone from her and throw it into the bay because every time she started arguing with him, we had to be party to the argument, and we lost the beauty of the present moment, also. To this day I still don't understand why she refused to turn her phone off, even though several times she said she should do just that.
"You should," both my wife and I agreed with her. She never did.
What always shocks me, though, is just how much people are paying for these things. In addition to the outrageous price for the phone itself--which most people replace every two or three years, at least--there's the monthly fees for the phone service, for the GPS, for the music service, or for the myriad of other services that simply nickel-and-dime people to death. Many people are paying over $200 a month simply for phone services, and that's a huge amount of money--$2400 a year, or enough for a new car every eight or nine years.
I don't want to get too far into the "when I was a kid" approach to looking at life, but here goes: When I was a kid, we had one phone, it stayed at home, and we paid $15-20 a month for the service.
And we were fine. In many ways we could argue that we were actually better off because we had fewer addictions than our populace faces today.
Could you leave your phone at home for a day without pining for it and wishing you had it with you every moment? Why don't you try it? See how many more birds you hear singing; find out how many more people can you look in the eye and greet warmly; learn how many flowers you walk by each day without noticing them. Feel the breeze and listen to it in your ears instead of listening to the same songs over and over again on Pandora. Stay focused on the present moment where you are right now instead of talking so much to people who are in other places. Revel in the ability to sit down and not feel pressure to call or text someone while you have a few "free" moments (which aren't free any more once you decide to use them texting). Watch the clouds roll by or roll in; listen to the kids playing; hear laughter that isn't coming to you through a speaker.
If we truly want to live life fully, we have to be multi-dimensional. We must be aware of the world around us and the needs of the people we're with. Phones make us uni-dimensional, and they keep us focused on things that aren't truly a part of the reality in which we find ourselves (and no, I don't buy the argument that things that come over the phone are part of our reality because they're coming over the phone, for valid reasons that I'll address later). Our connections to our phones are carefully crafted addictions that we either can't or won't recognize as such, and we're paying dearly for our addiction, both in cash and in the loss of our connection to the world to which we belong.
14 March 2019
Achievement
I used to believe that achievement meant
winning, being the best, coming in before everyone else. Achievement
was gaining recognition, being praised, being noticed by other people.
Gradually, though, I've realized that that way of looking at achievement
was more harmful to me than helpful--if I expected recognition for everything
I achieved, I was bound to spend most of my life being disappointed, for
people aren't going to give me recognition just because I think they should
or hope they will. I needed to start basing my actions on what I wanted
to accomplish and what would help others--some of my greatest achievements
have been some of the smallest, for they've been the most helpful to
others.
I'll never win an Olympic medal or be the governor of a state or the president of a country, but it's important for me to realize that those areas aren't where my gifts lie. If I'm to achieve what's most important--whatever it is that will make me a better, kinder, more compassionate human being--then I need to be true to my gifts. I need to search out areas of achievement that will help me to grow, and most of all help me to help others to grow. Once I do anything solely for potential recognition, I've achieved something for a poor motive, and that achievement is worse than worthless.
The gifted athletes or actors or politicians who focus on self may have an extensive list of achievements to show for their efforts, but of what value are they if they're not helping others with their gifts? My goal is to make my achievements helpful, useful.
Of course, we can't do everything that we do just for others--sometimes we do something that can make us proud. We run the 10k race a little bit faster than before, or we get a short article published, or we win an award at work or at school. Those are all great achievements, and most of us are able to avoid letting such achievements go to our heads and make us forget others. But we must focus on how such achievements add to our confidence or self-esteem so that the next time we're in a situation that demands a certain level of confidence, that prize that we won becomes much more valuable because its effects make us much more effective in the current situation.
My greatest achievements shall never be known, perhaps even to me. Having made someone smile and see the world a bit brighter, having given someone hope for the future, having helped someone see potential inside him or her self that he or she never might have seen otherwise, having helped someone to see just how beautiful he or she really is--these to me are the achievements that most can help this world to be a brighter, more loving place.
I'll never win an Olympic medal or be the governor of a state or the president of a country, but it's important for me to realize that those areas aren't where my gifts lie. If I'm to achieve what's most important--whatever it is that will make me a better, kinder, more compassionate human being--then I need to be true to my gifts. I need to search out areas of achievement that will help me to grow, and most of all help me to help others to grow. Once I do anything solely for potential recognition, I've achieved something for a poor motive, and that achievement is worse than worthless.
The gifted athletes or actors or politicians who focus on self may have an extensive list of achievements to show for their efforts, but of what value are they if they're not helping others with their gifts? My goal is to make my achievements helpful, useful.
Of course, we can't do everything that we do just for others--sometimes we do something that can make us proud. We run the 10k race a little bit faster than before, or we get a short article published, or we win an award at work or at school. Those are all great achievements, and most of us are able to avoid letting such achievements go to our heads and make us forget others. But we must focus on how such achievements add to our confidence or self-esteem so that the next time we're in a situation that demands a certain level of confidence, that prize that we won becomes much more valuable because its effects make us much more effective in the current situation.
My greatest achievements shall never be known, perhaps even to me. Having made someone smile and see the world a bit brighter, having given someone hope for the future, having helped someone see potential inside him or her self that he or she never might have seen otherwise, having helped someone to see just how beautiful he or she really is--these to me are the achievements that most can help this world to be a brighter, more loving place.
26 January 2019
Grief
When our
spirit tells us it is time to weep, we should weep. It is part of the ritual, if you will, of putting sadness in perspective
and gaining control of the situation. . . . Grief has a purpose. Grieving does not mean you are weak It is the first step toward
regaining balance and strength. Grieving is part of the tempering
process. -Joseph M. Marshall III
We tend to look at grief as a response to losing something or somebody in our lives, especially to death. And while we like to tell people to take their time and grieve, we also tend to suggest to people who are grieving that it's important to move on with their lives and not let the grief consume them. As with everything else there must be balance, of course, but coming to terms with grief is something that none of us can understand for others, and it's important that we respect the grief of others and let it fulfill its purpose.
There's a myth in many cultures that says that human beings always have to be "strong," though strong isn't really well defined. Refusing to grieve and simply moving on with your life when faced with loss is not a productive way of dealing with adversity; nor is it an effective way of achieving balance in our lives. Allowing ourselves to grieve is truly the only way of moving past difficult losses, and the decision of whether to grieve or not is ours alone.
We grieve when we lose loved ones and acquaintances; we grieve when we lose jobs or even some material objects that have special meaning to us; we grieve when we graduate from school and "lose" the routines that have become so normal to us. If we don't grieve, these things can stick with us for a very long time--and while there's no need to try to repress the memories of them, we do need to make sure that those memories don't bring us down any more, and that they don't ruin what otherwise might be a very positive time in our lives.
We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we must allow others to grieve in their own ways, in their own time. Moving on with our lives depends upon how we grieve, and it's up to us to make sure we do so fully.
Questions to consider:
Why do so many people seem to be so uncomfortable with grief?
In what ways are you most comfortable grieving?
How do our lives play out if we don't allow ourselves to grieve a significant loss?
(From our new year of daily meditations, in progress now.)
We tend to look at grief as a response to losing something or somebody in our lives, especially to death. And while we like to tell people to take their time and grieve, we also tend to suggest to people who are grieving that it's important to move on with their lives and not let the grief consume them. As with everything else there must be balance, of course, but coming to terms with grief is something that none of us can understand for others, and it's important that we respect the grief of others and let it fulfill its purpose.
There's a myth in many cultures that says that human beings always have to be "strong," though strong isn't really well defined. Refusing to grieve and simply moving on with your life when faced with loss is not a productive way of dealing with adversity; nor is it an effective way of achieving balance in our lives. Allowing ourselves to grieve is truly the only way of moving past difficult losses, and the decision of whether to grieve or not is ours alone.
We grieve when we lose loved ones and acquaintances; we grieve when we lose jobs or even some material objects that have special meaning to us; we grieve when we graduate from school and "lose" the routines that have become so normal to us. If we don't grieve, these things can stick with us for a very long time--and while there's no need to try to repress the memories of them, we do need to make sure that those memories don't bring us down any more, and that they don't ruin what otherwise might be a very positive time in our lives.
We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we must allow others to grieve in their own ways, in their own time. Moving on with our lives depends upon how we grieve, and it's up to us to make sure we do so fully.
Questions to consider:
Why do so many people seem to be so uncomfortable with grief?
In what ways are you most comfortable grieving?
How do our lives play out if we don't allow ourselves to grieve a significant loss?
(From our new year of daily meditations, in progress now.)
14 January 2019
Abundance or lack?
When you have too much month
for your
paycheck, then
what you need to do is realize that there is abundance all
around you, and focus on the abundance and not your lack
and as night follows day abundance will come to you.
-Sidney Madwed
It took me many, many years to be
able to focus on abundance rather than lack, and I can honestly say that I'm
still not there yet. I still fear running out of money and resources; I
still fear not having enough food someday and not being able to meet my
responsibilities and commitments. My focus has always been on what I don't
have rather than what I have, and now that I'm more often focused on gratitude
for what I have, I find that I have more and I don't fear losing it nearly as
much.
In my family when I was growing up, the focus was always on lack. We had little money--sometimes none at all for a month at a time when my father would drink away his paycheck the weekend he received it. My mother was really good at keeping us fed, so we didn't starve at all, but that was partly because she grew up being poor, also, and she had learned how to stretch food to amazing lengths. Because of her poverty, though, she focused on what was missing, and she and my father taught us kids to do the same.
The world is full of resources for us, and it's up to us to take advantage of them--nobody's going to fill our baskets for us. Unfortunately, many of us take a defeatist attitude that says, "I'll never be rich, so I'll never have the good things." But the truth is that we can have the good things--we have to keep focusing on the abundance around us and figure out ways to tap into it rather than wishing against all hope that we could somehow have just a slice of it.
A lot of it has to do with choices, of course. I could have a lot more money than I have now if I were to choose to do some work other than teaching, but I love to teach and I'm good at it, so I keep with it. I do without certain things that I don't really need in order to experience abundance with other things--my wife and I never go to movies in expensive theaters, for example, but with the money we save there, we take nice little weekend trips to nearby areas. Abundance doesn't mean having it all, but it does mean experiencing a rich and fulfilling life.
-from our new year of Daily Meditations, in progress now.
what you need to do is realize that there is abundance all
around you, and focus on the abundance and not your lack
and as night follows day abundance will come to you.
-Sidney Madwed
In my family when I was growing up, the focus was always on lack. We had little money--sometimes none at all for a month at a time when my father would drink away his paycheck the weekend he received it. My mother was really good at keeping us fed, so we didn't starve at all, but that was partly because she grew up being poor, also, and she had learned how to stretch food to amazing lengths. Because of her poverty, though, she focused on what was missing, and she and my father taught us kids to do the same.
The world is full of resources for us, and it's up to us to take advantage of them--nobody's going to fill our baskets for us. Unfortunately, many of us take a defeatist attitude that says, "I'll never be rich, so I'll never have the good things." But the truth is that we can have the good things--we have to keep focusing on the abundance around us and figure out ways to tap into it rather than wishing against all hope that we could somehow have just a slice of it.
A lot of it has to do with choices, of course. I could have a lot more money than I have now if I were to choose to do some work other than teaching, but I love to teach and I'm good at it, so I keep with it. I do without certain things that I don't really need in order to experience abundance with other things--my wife and I never go to movies in expensive theaters, for example, but with the money we save there, we take nice little weekend trips to nearby areas. Abundance doesn't mean having it all, but it does mean experiencing a rich and fulfilling life.
-from our new year of Daily Meditations, in progress now.
10 December 2018
'Tis the season
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting. -Elizabeth Bibesco
It's the season for giving, especially among the people who celebrate Christmas. It's time for us to shift our focus from what we want to what others want, to try to figure out which gifts would be most appropriate and useful for the people we love.
Over the years I've watched people become miserable because the recipient of the gifts they've chosen didn't respond in ways that they expected. They've become angry and frustrated because they couldn't give without remembering--they not only kept in mind the fact that they had given something to someone else, but they held on to the resentment of the person's supposedly "inappropriate" response.
Personally, when I give a gift I honestly don't care how the person responds. It's really nice when they show appreciation and say thank you, but if they don't do so and I get upset about that, then I'm making myself upset--they're not the ones making me upset. If they love my gift and don't say thanks, great. If they dislike the gift, I just remember that choosing a gift is generally imperfect process, anyway, and that I did the best I could. But now they have something that they can pass on to someone else, or something that they can donate to a charity if they so choose. And tomorrow, I want to be on the same terms with them as I am today--me giving a gift shouldn't change anything. I'm not going to remind them of how generous I was to them in order to try to make them appreciate me all over again. That would just be silly.
When I get gifts, though, I do want to remember the side of the persons who gave them to me. I want to remember that person as kind and generous, no matter how they might act tomorrow, because it helps my perspective. Even if our relationship deteriorates in the future, I still have this positive element in my memory, and that's something that I don't want to lose.
and take without forgetting. -Elizabeth Bibesco
It's the season for giving, especially among the people who celebrate Christmas. It's time for us to shift our focus from what we want to what others want, to try to figure out which gifts would be most appropriate and useful for the people we love.
Over the years I've watched people become miserable because the recipient of the gifts they've chosen didn't respond in ways that they expected. They've become angry and frustrated because they couldn't give without remembering--they not only kept in mind the fact that they had given something to someone else, but they held on to the resentment of the person's supposedly "inappropriate" response.
Personally, when I give a gift I honestly don't care how the person responds. It's really nice when they show appreciation and say thank you, but if they don't do so and I get upset about that, then I'm making myself upset--they're not the ones making me upset. If they love my gift and don't say thanks, great. If they dislike the gift, I just remember that choosing a gift is generally imperfect process, anyway, and that I did the best I could. But now they have something that they can pass on to someone else, or something that they can donate to a charity if they so choose. And tomorrow, I want to be on the same terms with them as I am today--me giving a gift shouldn't change anything. I'm not going to remind them of how generous I was to them in order to try to make them appreciate me all over again. That would just be silly.
When I get gifts, though, I do want to remember the side of the persons who gave them to me. I want to remember that person as kind and generous, no matter how they might act tomorrow, because it helps my perspective. Even if our relationship deteriorates in the future, I still have this positive element in my memory, and that's something that I don't want to lose.
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