It interests me sometimes to ponder the past, to think about how I was years ago, decades ago. In my memory, almost everything I remember is just like yesterday, but it's also a million years ago. I think of how I was at age five, age twenty, age thirty--usually thrown back in time by a particular song that I hear, or a food that I eat, or a piece of news that I'm reminded of. One of the commonalities of all the me's that I remember in my early life is that I was constantly cursed with the idea that I wasn't enough, that I didn't measure up to anyone's standards or needs. I lost out on a lot because of this tendency, especially as far as relationships were concerned. I thought that people didn't want to be around me, that they found me lacking, that they preferred to be with someone else. And I believe that in many cases, my feeling became a self-fulfilling prophecy because I was constantly trying to be someone I wasn't, to make people like me, to force something positive to happen with someone else because I didn't trust it to happen without my help. I no longer do this, and my life is much, much easier and much more pleasant now that I don't. I'm fine just the way I am, and I no longer feel the need for anyone else's validation--I appreciate it when I get it, but my own happiness doesn't hang in the balance when it comes or it doesn't. I am enough, just the way I am, and I'm completely willing to accept myself just as I am. If someone else doesn't see it, that's okay--they're missing out on something they'll never know about, but I'm not going to put myself down or blame myself for their lack of acceptance or caring. I like life much better this way.
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