Life without Busyness

If work and leisure are soon to be subordinated to this
one utopian principle--absolute busyness--then utopia
and melancholy will come to coincide:  an age without conflict
will dawn, perpetually busy--and without consciousness.

Gunther Grass


I think we may be near the age that Gunther warned about, if we're not there already.  I've known plenty of people in my life who have been so extremely addicted to working that they hardly do anything else at all, and they rarely if ever have time available to spend with other people--even their own families.  And if they're satisfied with the results they're seeing, then who am I to tell them that what they're doing is harmful?  It's very common to watch other people make drastic mistakes that will harm them in the long term, but be unable to convince them that a change would help them because they see the world only in the short term.

One of my goals of the last couple of decades has been to not be too busy to enjoy life.  I didn't want to get so caught up in work and tasks around the house and other obligations that I wasn't able to do things that I enjoy, and spend time with people whose company I enjoy.  I found that it was relatively easy to do so, for it took some simple decision-making that was rather painless.  Personally, I like being a helpful person, but at time in my past I've been somewhat too helpful, and lost some valuable opportunities for some very nice experiences because I committed myself to help someone else.  Interestingly enough, whenever I've helped others, it's always seemed that they didn't really need much help at all, or that they could have easily done the job themselves.  My presence wasn't at all necessary, and my time could have been much better spent elsewhere.

Of course, that's not always true.  There are plenty of legitimate opportunities to help people and organizations that truly do need our help.  What I've learned, though, is that that person doesn't have to be me.  There are plenty of other people who are able to help just as well--or even better--than I can.  And if someone else is doing the work, I have time to do something that can be reinvigorating, rejuvenating, for me.

We face a lot of pressure to make ourselves busy meeting other people's needs.  Many other people have gotten very good at getting others to do their work for them, or at least a part of it.  The boss at work can pressure a subordinate to take on extra tasks; the person in a relationship with us can manipulate or guilt-trip us into spending our time on things we don't necessarily want to be doing.

Our task as human beings who are responsible for our own well-being is to make sure that we don't overextend or overcommit ourselves.  We need to be sure that we don't sabotage the chances we have to be happy and to live life on our own terms, rather than spending our precious time on tasks that we take on because others ask us to do so.  Personally, I'm working on this right now because I just retired, and I want to make sure that any time ahead of me is going to be spent wisely, with a balance between living and working, being busy doing tasks and being busy taking care of myself (see below).  No matter where we are in life, it may be a good idea to step back from the busyness and make sure that what we're spending our time on is fulfilling and healthy, and that we don't get so busy doing things for others that we spend no time doing things for ourselves.  Because we're each worth it.


I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
but not in a way most people understand.
I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I am okay.
Sometimes, this is my busy -
and I will not apologize for it.

Brittin Oakman

From Whom Can I Learn?

If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will
happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly
harmed.  It is the person who continues in their self-deception
and ignorance who is harmed.     -Marcus Aurelius


What Marcus says here would not be received well by many people in the 21st-century United States.  Somehow, many people in this country have completely shut out the possibility that someone who disagrees with them may actually be right, so when we're wrong, we become "the person who continues in their self-deception and ignorance."  We won't even consider the possibility that someone we disagree with could teach us something, so a huge portion of the population, for us, is eliminated as a possible source of learning.

What has happened to the concept of having an open mind, of listening to others--no matter what their background--to see if they know something that we don't know, to see if they can teach us something?  Having an open mind means listening to what another person says without putting it through the filters that we so often employ:  What is their political party?  What is their gender?  What is their race?

And on and on.

If we want to live our lives fully, it's very important that we learn from virtually anyone.  That doesn't mean that we have to approve of their paths in life or of decisions that they make--it simply means that we hear what they say and weigh in our minds whether it makes sense or not, whether there's something to learn there or not.  If someone gives me good advice but I ignore it because of whom he voted for in the last election, then I'm going to limit myself and miss opportunities because I've been judgmental about another human being.  I can blame it on his or her vote if I want to, but the truth is that the fault lies with me and my unwillingness to listen.

What Marcus is talking about is our tendency to not want to be told that we're wrong.  If I were to take something that isn't mine, for example, and the guy next door told me that it was wrong to take it, would I respect his opinion more if he voted for the same person I voted for?  Because the truth of the matter is that my action was wrong, no matter who tells me so.  But if I can dismiss what the person tells me because I don't agree with him on politics, or because I know he's a racist, or because I know that he's done something wrong himself, then I'm losing out on an important learning experience.  And really, all we have in life is our learning--the only way to improve ourselves as human beings is to learn more about life and living, and people we agree with or respect aren't the only possible teachers out there.

Criticism is often much easier to take when it comes from someone we know and trust.  We tend to be more willing to listen to people who have a track record of supporting us rather than putting us down or arguing with us.  But we really should be able and willing to listen to everyone who has something to say about what we do.  And once it's said, then we can decide whether the words are meant to help us or to hurt us, if the words have been constructive or destructive.  And once we've figured that out, it's up to us to take the words to heart or to reject them, to make changes based on what we've heard or to continue on in the same ways as before.

My self-deception helps no one, and it can cause a lot of harm.  Some of the most important things that I've learned in life have come from people I didn't even like, especially in the form of teachers at all levels from grade school to college.  The teachers I've liked have taught me a great deal, but so have the teachers I haven't liked at all.  If I'm doing something very wrong, I hope to be told so, so that I can make some changes that will allow me to get things right, and that will thus allow me to help others more often and more effectively, which is, after all, my main purpose for being here (at least, that's what I believe it to be).
  
  
  

   
   

Finding Happiness in Connection

On our own, feeling alienated from the world we had been
created from, cut off from the full extent of its abundance,
people were no longer happy.  We began to search for the
happiness we had lost.  When we found something that
reminded us of it, we tried to possess it and accumulate
more--thereby introducing Stress into our lives.  But searching
for lasting happiness and accumulating temporary
substitutes for it brought us no satisfaction.    -Benjamin Hoff, The Te of Piglet

When he's using the word "us," Hoff is talking about the people who live in western societies, those places where success has been defined as earning more money and having more things, and those people who have unique skills and talents end up working for some corporate giant or another, never using those skills and letting life slip by without developing their skills in ways that can help others.  It's hard for us to imagine now, but many people used to be able to find happiness without having much to do.  They didn't have computers with which to spend their spare hours; they didn't have movies and television shows that could help them to "escape" reality every now and then; they didn't have boatloads of activities to partake in to keep their minds off of themselves and the lives that they're leading.

Of course, just because people didn't have all of these things in their lives didn't mean that they were necessarily happy.  There were many problems that people dealt with in the past that we don't have to face today--family and friends dying from what are now minor illnesses and injuries; being "stuck" in the town you were born in, without having a real option of leaving; having to take on the family trade for the rest of your life even though you end up doing something that you don't really like.  These are just a few of the many ways that life was harder for many people in the past than it is today.

I don't know if even Hoff could tell us when we started to feel "alienated from the world we had been created from."  My guess is that it's long, long, long ago, because we are now truly separated, most of us completely.  There are many people who never spend any time in nature, even for a walk in the park.  Most of us use the natural world as a short-term escape from what basically has ended up being our lives:  stress, work, tension, deadlines, judgment, conflict.  Many of us do search out activities that can help us balance these things, but doing that doesn't eliminate the effects that the modern world has on us; rather, it simply provides us with moments of clarity and even happiness, but these are moments that we almost inevitably leave behind us in order to go back to our daily lives.

So are things hopeless?  I don't think so.  Can our happy moments be extended and expanded, meaning that we're happier more often than not?  I think they can.

So does Hoff, of course.  His first sentence tells us very clearly that he sees the way to be happy as not "feeling alienated from the world we had been created from."  This simply means looking at the lives that we're living and identifying the things that we do that alienate us from the world.  Do we spend too much time indoors, being entertained passively by television or Internet?  Do we spend too much time in our cars, never going for walks and feeling the fresh air and smelling and hearing the world around us?

Do we make time for experiences with the natural world, including getting together to talk with friends?  They're a part of the natural world, too, but we see them so rarely, or only during certain occasions, like church services or activities at our kids' schools.  Do we know someplace where we can buy tomatoes straight off the vine instead of buying them at the supermarket, where they're typically anywhere from one to six weeks old.  Do we have any places in nature where we can go for some simple quiet time, where we can listen to nothing but the sounds of the birds and bugs and any animals, and simply enjoy not having anything that we have to be doing at the present moment?

We don't need to become hermits, and we don't have to go for extended camping trips in the middle of nowhere if we want to counter the alienation that we feel from nature.  We simply need to make decisions that put us with it and in it.  Instead of a trip to the mall, a hike could be invigorating.  Instead of another lunch in a restaurant or fast-food joint, a picnic lunch by a lake or in a park can give us energy and raise our spirits.  Many, many people have pointed to our loss of connection with nature as a major cause of unhappiness, so perhaps it's time to pay attention to them and make some sort of connection that can help us to feel more at home in the world.

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush
of scenery-- air, mountains, trees,
people.  I thought, "This is what
it is to be happy.”

Sylvia Plath

Maintaining a Haven--More thoughts of what a site should be in these trying days

One of the things that I've always wanted Living Life Fully to be is an online haven.  I've wanted it to be a place where people can come to find positive thoughts when they've needed them, to find solace when life has become tempestuous, to find good when they seem to be surrounded or inundated with bad.  After all, there are already plenty of websites where people can find political content that addresses the difficulties and wrongs of our current world--so what's wrong with providing a place that's dedicated to peace and understanding and kindness and compassion?

The answer is simple, of course:  there's nothing wrong with it.  It's nice to provide a site full of content that's devoted to helping us to accept life and live it as it is, and to find ways to change things that would be better off changed (once we've accepted those things, of course).

Personally, I'm very much against the current political trends in the United States.  Never in my life did I expect to see in my own country a governmental agency such as ICE that works outside of the law to harass and beat and kidnap people.  Never did I expect to see a president who profiteers from his position and who spews constant insults, lies, and misinformation.  Never did I expect to see representatives and senators who are so afraid of voting against party lines that they refuse to do so, helping laws to be passed that deprive huge numbers of people of many of their much-needed resources and services.

And never did I expect to see such a large part of the American populace not just being okay with all this, but actually celebrating the fact that other people in this country are losing rights and resources and services.  They're celebrating other people's pain and frustration and loss.

But the question I face is whether or not I should use the website to speak out against such things.  And I feel that the answer is in the purpose of the site--to provide people with a place online where they can find uplifting and motivational material all day, every day, any time they wish.  Once I start adding political content, then the site changes, and not everyone will feel welcome there.  I have other ways that I can speak out against political actions and societal problems--I don't have to do so on livinglifefully.com.  So I won't.

That said, I don't want to simply say "The site is what it is and will never change."  That strategy wouldn't help a bit to make the site more helpful and relevant, and it could actually cause the site to be irrelevant sooner rather than later to large numbers of people.  And as I said in my last post, the world is changing, and more and more people are finding themselves displaced, disenfranchised, and frightened and lonely and helpless.  How can the site change to help them, when and if they find it?  What can be added to the content?  How can the presentation change?  What would be most useful to more people?  These are the questions that I must ask myself as the site moves forward in time, and as the world changes around us.  What can I offer the world that would help the world, even in the smallest of ways, without becoming political and probably alienating a large number of people?

Finland has introduced something new into their school curricula:  How to recognize fake news and false information online.  They've recognized that not being able to recognize these things seriously inhibits their citizens' ability to make the most of their lives and to contribute to society in positive ways.  It's a brave new direction to take, and one that most people probably would acknowledge is a necessary step in the world of today.  Hopefully, they'll be successful in Finland--but it's obvious that other countries haven't done anything to deal with some of the new elements that the Internet has brought into our lives.  So much fake news is dedicated to trying to get people to hate or mistrust other people, and we're being more and more divided by this "tool" that is supposed to improve our lives by making more information available to us.  The people who make decisions about school curricula in Finland have recognized this fact, and they're doing something to fight it, through the education of their young people.

I'd like the site to be like Finland--help people to recognize and accept problems, and then take some sort of action to counter them.  In fact, this has been the goal of the site for the last 25+ years.  But I'm feeling and thinking that more and more, the recognition of problems is getting more difficult because people are learning to be more self-righteous, and less willing to look at themselves and their words and actions in a critical way, which is the only way to look at ourselves if we truly want to improve in any way.  And by "critical" I mean critiquing, and not criticizing--there's a huge difference between the two concepts.

What does it mean to maintain a haven while still addressing many of the needs and challenges that people are now facing?  How do I make the site more responsive to some of the awful things that people are experiencing and feeling without turning the site into a politically active site, one that becomes mired in controversy and that takes sides, necessarily leaving some people feeling isolated and alienated?  Do I want to say "This site is only for people who believe what I believe," or do I want to say, "This site is for everyone who wants to come here and read, no matter what your political views or opinions"?

I believe that this last question is rhetorical, of course.  It has to be the latter.  And I say this even though I don't respect many of the opinions that we're seeing expressed these days--opinions that other people's rights don't mean anything, that certain people aren't deserving of the protection of the law, that certain people aren't deserving of any sort of kindness or compassion simply because of their race or their national origin.

But I know that the site must transcend all of these issues, and simply be available for anyone who wants or needs the words of wisdom that come from such a broad spectrum of sources.  And so it shall.

I don't think that any changes that happen have to be changes of content.  Rather, I believe that they must be changes in presentation.  What kinds of quotations and passages should be grouped together on a page?  How might a person find hope in the words of others who have lived through similar trials?  These are the questions that I'll be asking myself as I try to figure out what to do and how to do it.  And as always, any comments or suggestions are more than welcome.  My hope is that the site can be helpful to someone, somewhere, somehow, and I have to let go of any need to know about that helpfulness and just trust that it may happen.

So that's what I'll do.  Thanks for listening, and thanks for being here!

A New Approach? What Does That Mean?

"Living life fully" is a concept that I believe has changed considerably in recent years.  While I still believe that it's very important for us all to do our best to make our lives as positive as possible, and for us to give to the world as much as we can while still taking very good care of ourselves, I'm not sure any more that most people are in situations in which this sort of thing is easy, if it's even possible for them.  The world seems to be in dire straits, and people are treating each other not just carelessly, but even cruelly.  There are many people in the world who are having a hard time just surviving, who would have a terribly difficult time thinking of thriving.

I can't imagine what life must be like for a young person of twelve years in Gaza right now.  For any person in Gaza.  Families have to be having a hard time just finding food to eat, and any words that would tell that young person to make the most of their lives and look on the bright side of things must ring very hollow.  The same goes for the 30-year-old in the Ukraine, the thousands of people being detained illegally in the United States, the young girl somewhere who has just been "given" to an older man for marriage, the young person who just graduated college to find that there are no jobs available in their field.

I do think that in most cases, we actually do determine our own happiness or unhappiness.  We've all read material that shows us that a man in a concentration camp can make a difference for fellow inmates and come out of the experience a stronger person; that a young child can lose a leg in a bombing and transform that loss into something that helps them to appreciate life and help others; that a family member can die and make us even more appreciative of what that person left behind.

But mostly, when we talk about living life fully, we're coming from a position of privilege and good fortune and even good luck--luck that we were born in a certain country at a certain time that allows us the luxury of actually pursuing higher needs because our more basic needs--food, clothing, shelter, absence of war, safe water, work, money--are taken care of.  Not everyone enjoys the fulfillment of these basic needs, and how does someone who doesn't enjoy them react to being told "Being happy is all in your own mind, of your own doing"?

So what does all this mean?  Does it mean that all the work that I've put into the website over the past 27 years has been for naught?  I don't believe so--I think there's much there that's helpful and useful for anyone and everyone.  But I also think that it's time for some sort of new direction, a direction that can be more universally useful, a voice that can speak to anyone, anywhere, with caring and compassion and relevance.  I'm not sure exactly what that means, of course, but I believe that it's time to find out.  Or at least to start experimenting until I do find out.

So if you see any changes on the site in the near future, please know that those changes are being made with the current world in mind, with the idea that life in this world of ours has become so difficult and so complex that we need to explore ideas such as that of living life fully in new ways, ways that can be helpful to more people who have become marginalized and disenfranchised.  I think that what I've been doing for the last 27 years--what I've been giving to the world in the form of a website--has been fine in and of itself, but I also think that we've seen some incredible shifts in life and living over the last couple of decades, and new voices and new approaches are needed.

Any suggestions would be welcome.  Any thoughts, as well.  We have a new world to live in, and the world of the future looks to be even more complex and more difficult for more people, so it's time for a different approach.  Let's see what we can do. . . .

A Very Long Silence, Take 2

This is very difficult to write.  I'm hoping that with time, it will become easier, but who knows?  The fact is that I've been completely silent here for over half a year.  And there are several reasons for that.  I've tried writing something to start over, but I haven't liked anything that I've written so far.  It's been too easy to get too philosophical, too negative, too whatever.  I don't want to write negative stuff here--it wouldn't serve the purpose for which this blog was started in the first place.

But the fact is that my silence has been the result of incredible negativity in our country.  My silence has been the result of the mourning and the grief that I'm still going through--the country that I used to know is gone, and it's being replaced more and more, day after day, with an authoritarian regime, the likes of which none of us ever thought we'd see in this land.  But here it is.

The four years that I served in the Army seem like a waste of time now.  I served to help--in a very small way, of course--to preserve the freedoms and the democracy that has made this country great in the past.  But I find now that the country has been taken over by the very wealthy, and they're doing everything they can to redirect as much money as possible away from the people who don't have much of it and into their own pockets.  They're kidnapping people off the streets without any due process.  They're passing laws and making rules without any checks or balances, turning this country into little more than a corrupt banana republic, the likes of which we used to read about with gratitude that our country wasn't like that.

Imagine that.

The grief is such that it's caused my wife and me to look to leaving the country to move to a place that isn't a totalitarian nightmare.  We want to give our children a place to go to when and if things here fall apart so far that life becomes dangerous for anyone who opposes the government.  We want to live in a country where people aren't kidnapped on the street by thugs in masks and no uniforms, and then sent to what are basically concentration camps thousands of miles from where they were abducted, even to countries they've never lived in, with absolutely no due process.

The harm that's being done right now is difficult to witness, especially when I know that I personally can do nothing about it.  As a teacher, I'm horrified at the models of "power" that our young people are witnessing and learning from.

But more than anything else, I'm at a loss as to how I'm going to continue sharing thoughts and ideas about living life fully when so many people are having their freedom taken from them, not to mention their ability to simply live their lives in peace, much less to live them fully.

I'll get there.  Many people are going through much worse these days--think of Gaza for just a moment--and what I'm going through doesn't come near what they're dealing with.  But that doesn't make my loss or my grief any less legitimate.  It's going to take me time to internalize it and deal with it effectively, and to get to a point at which I feel I'm living my own life fully once more.  And I will get to a point at which I can write again, hopefully even slightly effectively.

I never expected anything like this, but life does, indeed, throw curveballs sometimes.  I know that my main task now is to go with the flow rather than fighting it, and finding my own ways to resist the horrible things that are going on in so many places, on so many different levels.  I'm not going to play the victim, but I do need time to grieve the loss that is very real in many of our lives right now.

Unusual Behavior at Christmas

Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the  year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish.  Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a person has to be him- or herself.   -Francis C. Farley


Christmas is nigh, and we all have the chances once again to do something special for someone else this Christmas season.  Personally, I love the Christmas season because it's a time when people let down their guard a bit and treat each other just a bit more kindly, with a bit more respect and caring and love.  And to be honest, that's that way I want to be all the time, and this time of year allows me to share that feeling with others.  The rest of the year, it often seems like I'm the only one who wants to do special things for other people, and at times that can get very frustrating and even discouraging, because most people aren't ready to accept that kind of behavior if there's no special occasion for it.

Think about it:  If you were to give some of the gifts that you give for Christmas on just some random Tuesday in June, how would people respond?  In my experience, their first response would be to be baffled.  Why is this person giving me a gift?  That's often (usually?) followed by suspicion:  What does s/he want from me?  Is this a come-on?  It's a shame, but in our societies we're often taught to be suspicious of anyone doing anything out of the norm, and it's also a shame that doing kind things for people for no particular reason is quite out of the norm.

Of course, I'm not talking about buying a car for a co-worker that I hardly know.  Rather, I'm thinking about the little acts of kindness that we can show to others that can help them to have a better and brighter day.  During Christmas season, we see tons of those--candy and cookies in the mailbox or on the desk, kind words in the hallway, asking about our holiday plans or what we want for Christmas.  What most people don't seem to realize is that these things are natural for us--it's natural for us to be kind to others, to share gifts with them just because, to actually speak to them as if we're interested in what they say.

But as Francis says, we see this as "unusual" behavior.  We see this type of treatment of others as an aberration.  But what if we were to take back our right to act in ways that come naturally to us, no matter the outcome?  What if I were always to be kind to others even when I get rudeness or indifference in return?  What if I want to be giving even when others aren't ready or willing to be getting?  What if I want to share even when others don't seem to be interested in sharing?

It isn't always easy.  I work at a school at which fully half of the faculty doesn't even look at other teachers when they pass them in the hallway--honestly!  That makes it hard to continue to say good morning to people who simply ignore the greeting.  After a while, my tendency is to say to myself, "Okay, they're not interested in hearing a greeting from me, so I'll stop."  When I do that, though, I'm very clearly allowing their actions to affect my decisions about how I'll treat other people.  And I don't want that to happen, so, I have to keep on saying good morning even when someone doesn't respond--if I want to be true to myself and the person I want to be.

At Christmas time, I think it's easier because so many other people are also receptive to what we have to give.  They not only accept it, but they express their appreciation for it, too, and that makes us feel better about having offered our gifts in the first place.  So we have a chance to be ourselves because we're not afraid that being ourselves will cause us negative results or feedback.

So let's take advantage of this Christmas season and give all that we can in all the ways that we can (in a realistic way!).  And let's use this season as training, getting experience in giving and in getting, so that we can continue to be ourselves every day of the year.  It really is up to us if we want to show our true selves to the world.