The Way Things Seem

I've found in life that the ways that things seem to be very often aren't actually the ways that things are.  We bring so many of our own biases and prejudices and desires into what we see that we tend to see things in the ways that we want to see them, or through a lens that distorts reality so significantly that the view that we have is warped, at best.

As a teacher, I see this constantly.  The young person who seems to be screwing around to get attention is sometimes dealing with trauma at home, and acting out their emotions in a place where it's safe to do so.  The student who seems to not be studying at all may be sleep deprived, or have poor eyesight, or have a learning difference that makes a particular topic almost impossible to learn.  The student who doesn't seem to care at all may be withdrawn because of relationship difficulties in the family, up to and including being abused by a parent.

We've all heard the saying, "Things aren't always what they seem."  From my experience, I would amend that statement to read, "Things are rarely what they seem."

This is Thanksgiving week, and here in the States, we have a beautiful holiday to celebrate on Thursday.  This day's focus on gratitude gives us an opportunity to think more deeply about thankfulness, about appreciation.  It gives us a chance not just to count our blessings, but to ponder them.  Why do we consider them blessings?  Why do we not consider other things blessings?

There are many people who have kept the same job for decades and have fallen into a rut of repetition that makes them miserable.  Is the steady job and the paycheck really a "blessing," then?  Others have been fired from their jobs through no fault of their own and ended up finding something else, something better that inspires them more and rekindles passion for their work.  Was being fired from the job really a "curse," then?  Or was it a bigger blessing than the steady job and pay that would have led to tedium and unhappiness?

Of course, a steady job with good pay can be a huge blessing.  But that isn't always the case, is it?

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to challenge myself to look for the blessings in the supposed curses, the positive in the seeming negative.  I'm going to do my best to find a reason to be thankful for everything in my life, with the knowledge that I have no idea what kinds of benefits my current situations will bring me in the future.  Perhaps I'm not too fond of my job, but the person I meet there three months from now is going to show me how to open some other doors that will be much more beneficial to me than the ones I see now.

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to try to be thankful without condition.  I'm going to try to see the good and the positive in everything, knowing as I do that even things that begin with evil can bear positive outcomes (I'm thinking about the war in the Ukraine now--a war that is inexcusable and that was begun with evil intentions).

I'm going to be thankful for all that I've had in life, all that I do have in life, and all that I shall have later in life.  Because my thankfulness--or lack of it--is completely up to me.

You can visit our page on Thanksgiving by clicking here.

It Is What It Is: Accepting Life Fully

 "Acceptance" is one of those words that many of us seem to have problems with.  We like to "accept" on condition, which really isn't acceptance at all.  It's kind of like love in that way--we give our love freely to those who meet our standards or conditions, but we hold it back from people who don't.  We like to say that we accept life as it is, accept people as they are, accept situations as they are, but putting acceptance into practice is much, much different than truly accepting anything.

If I want to accept a person exactly as they are, then I can't impose conditions on that acceptance at all.  I can't say, "I like him, but I don't want to get together with him because of who he voted for."  We can't say, "You're a great person--once you learn some better manners, I'll be interested in seeing more of you."  We can't accept life as it is if we constantly look for the problems in life.  "I like living here, but it rains too much."  If we lose our jobs for some reason, the very first step that we have to make is too accept the loss, for nothing else can come of the situation until we do accept it.  Even if we were fired for unfair reasons, we can't fight the firing until we actually accept the fact that we have been fired.

Acceptance is a letting-go process.  You let go of your wishes
and demands that life can be different.  It's a conscious choice.
-Gary Emery

When we accept things as they are, we contribute greatly to our own peace of mind and peace of heart, for our acceptance frees us--we have no need or desire to have to make changes to anything.  It is what it is, and it's not our responsibility to improve or fix it.  And since most of our efforts to change things or people or situations to meet our personal criteria end up failing, anyway, that freedom is very welcome to us.  We're free to enjoy things as they are rather than spending our time wishing they were something else.

It's very important that we remind ourselves constantly that we weren't placed on this planet in order to change other things and people in order to make them what we think they should be.  We cannot learn from other people unless we accept them as they are.  We cannot be at peace with situations unless we accept them as they are.  We cannot reach our full potential until we accept ourselves as we are.

Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not
mean running away from the struggle.  On the contrary it means accepting
it as it comes. . . .  To accept is to say yes to life in its entirety.
-Paul Tournier

Of course, acceptance of the way things are doesn't necessarily imply approval.  I may accept someone's drug addiction because the person simply is a drug addict, and I can do nothing to help that person until I acknowledge and accept that fact.  When I accept that truth, I can act accordingly--this is not a person I would put in charge of anything important or have babysit my kids.  And it's not until that person accepts his or her own addiction that any true change can be made.

Accepting life doesn't ever mean that I refuse to try to change things for the better.  It means that I've done my best to see things as they are, and I'm willing to let life and other people do their own things without interference or help from me.  It's a freeing tendency, one that allows us to go on with making our lives the best they can be without feeling obligated to fix things for everyone else.  You are as you are, and that's just fine.  I may not want to spend much time with you because of the way you swear or the way you tend to insult other people, but that's fine.  I can tell you that straight out:  "I like you, but I try to avoid that type of talk because it offends me," and then let you choose whether or not it's worth it to you to tone down the language in order to spend more time with me.  I've made my choices based on accepting who you are, and now you have a chance to make your own choices.  I'm not trying to change you, but my acceptance of you shouldn't make me have to endure behaviors that make me feel awful.

I truly do believe that accepting life as it is and people as they are is one of the most important keys to living life fully.  When we do learn to accept life, accept others, and accept ourselves fully and unconditionally, we lose a lot of self-created stress that comes about because we think we need to control life and control people and control situations--and that's a thought that dooms us to failure and extra stress, because we weren't put here to control things--we're here to learn from things as they are, and to get to know them and love them as they are.

I accept life unconditionally.  Most people ask for happiness on condition.
Happiness can only be felt if you don't set any condition.
-Artur Rubinstein

Visit our pages on acceptance here!