Some Situations Just Aren't Winnable--A Paragraph a Day

One of the problems that I have with a lot of the self-help literature that's out there is the rather naive idea that we can thrive in virtually any situation, that we can come out winners no matter what kinds of obstacles we face or what kind of curve balls life throws us.  The simple truth is, though, that some situations are simply awful, and we're going to be lucky to get through them unscathed.  Some people choose to act in awful ways, and they may do their best to harm us.  Yes, we can learn from these situations and people, and yes, we can come out of whatever harm they cause us as better people, but we're certainly not going to thrive and we don't necessarily have to try to enjoy them--they are what they are and they've become a part of our lives, but that doesn't mean that there's a way to make them somehow enjoyable.  I prefer to try to understand what each situation is bringing me, be it treasure or garbage or even tedium, and then react appropriately by enjoying it, pulling myself out of it, or simply accepting it and rolling with it.  I appreciate the writers of most self-help material, but I do believe that they do us a disservice when they try to convince us that every moment brings us treasure, and that it's up to us to uncover it.  Usually, there's very little treasure to be discovered at the bottom of a pile of garbage.

Naps--A Paragraph a Day

I think that I'm kind of addicted to naps.  I don't take a whole lot of them, which I find to be a shame, actually, but they are one of the most important parts of my life.  I love laying down (or even just reclining) with the intent of sleeping for a little bit, closing my eyes and letting the world slip away for a few minutes.  I almost never sleep more than ten or fifteen minutes, but my naps add a wonderful element to my life.  They're easily one of my favorite things, as they help me to recharge in reinvigorate so that I can face the tasks I have to accomplish with more energy and a clearer mind.  As always, I find it wonderful that one of my favorite things in the world doesn't cost me a cent--it consists of simply closing my eyes and relaxing and letting sleep take over for a few minutes.  So much of life is like that--the truly important things, the truly wonderful things, generally don't cost us anything at all except a little time and perhaps a little effort.  When we grow to love the simple aspects of life that feel so amazing and that help us so much, then we can live our lives as grateful people who know the value of those simple things, and who are willing and able to appreciate them and recognize the value that they bring to our lives.

Isn't It Supposed to Be Spring?--A Paragraph a Day

The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another.
The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month.
Henry van Dyke

We're about a week into spring now, and it doesn't look a whole lot different outdoors than it did three weeks ago.  I had to scrape ice off of my windshield this morning, and we've had some pretty bitter winds and grey days this past week.  But that's okay.  It's only spring in name so far, and I've learned over time to temper my wants and desires and allow myself to accept things as they are rather than being upset that they aren't as I would prefer them to be.  I'd love to come home from work and be able to go for a nice long bike ride, but that's not in the cards yet.  And that's okay.  We can't expect something major to happen like a change in season just because the calendars that we make say that it's the first day of spring.  If we want to get the most out of our days, we can't spend time and energy wishing the days were different, because they aren't.  The warmer days will be here soon enough, but for now it's important that we just take what we get because there's absolutely no way we can change it.  And once we accept the days for what they are, our own peace of mind grows and our stress levels decrease, both rather significantly.  It's spring in name only right now, and the best we can do is wait for true spring to arrive, and to love the days we get until then, just as they are.

Am I Happy?--A Paragraph a Day

My creed is this:
Happiness is the only good.
The place to be happy is here.
The time to be happy is now.
The way to be happy is to make others so.

Robert G. Ingersoll

I often wonder if I'm happy, which seems like an odd thing to say.  I mean, I'm certainly doing my best to make the best of all the world has given me and still has to offer me, but I couldn't really tell you whether or not I'm happy.  Perhaps it doesn't matter at all--I'm making the best of my life, so why should a word that may or may not mean anything significant throw me off?  Is there really such a thing as happiness, or is it enough to be content with our lot in life and to keep on keeping on, doing our best to love others and give to others and to enjoy things like hot baths on Sunday evenings and good wine with some garlic crackers before dinner?  Perhaps we put too much importance on a concept that simply can't be defined with any degree of accuracy:  happiness for you necessarily must be different than what I see as happiness, no?  So maybe the best thing that we can do is to do away with the word when we consider our goals and purposes in life.  Perhaps this abstract concept that defines absolute definition has been leading us astray, and the best thing that we can do is to enjoy what we have, when we have it, and to make the most of the gifts that we've been given in these lives that we lead.  I'd like to be happy, of course--but is there really such a thing?

Is This All Illusion?--A Paragraph a Day

The idea that what we consider to be our "reality" is actually illusion intrigues me.  I've seen many movies and documentaries that make the argument that what we see isn't really what we think it is, and I've read many books and articles that claim the same thing.  It's a fascinating idea to think that what we think is surrounding us every day could actually be all or mostly in our heads and our imagination, rather than what we think it is.  This is a hard concept to wrap our minds around, it's true, especially when we consider things that we consider to be "solid," like our houses.  Is it possible that the reality of our houses is simply an illusion that we all agree to, and which therefore manifests itself as reality in our minds, where it really matters?  The idea was explored in the film The Matrix, which shows our reality as a computer program that's being fed into our brains to make us think that we're actually living our lives, while in truth we're functioning as living batteries, a power source for the electronic beings that are now in charge of the planet.  I think it's important to consider such ideas as possible--even remotely--whether we actually believe them or not.  It's only when we look outside of what we've come to consider as "real" that we can start to appreciate the vast amount of possibility that this life provides us with.

Can We Teach Kindness?--A Paragraph a Day

Kindness is often on my mind when I'm teaching high school students.  It's one thing to teach things like English and Spanish and Literature, but it's something altogether different to try to teach young people to be kind to one another, to show each other compassion and understanding.  Most young people do their best to be good people, of course, but it's very tempting for them to say those words that will make someone laugh, but hurt someone else.  It's easy for them to be inconsiderate--or perhaps it's difficult for them to be considerate when their main focus in life is currently themselves.  It comes with the age, doesn't it?  They're growing and learning and trying to do the best they can in everything, but they're still self-centered.  So how do we teach kindness?  Honestly, I don't really try because I'm not sure that something like that can be taught.  I do model it every chance I get, which is almost all day, every day, but I don't look at it as something that I can teach to someone else.  Rather, I make sure to point out the negative results of unkind words and actions, and I leave it to them to learn it rather than thinking that I can actually teach it.  After all, they have to want to have the positive results of being kind in their lives, and the best that I can do, I think, is to help them to see clearly the positive results of kindness on one's own spirit.  I don't know how effective the lesson is, but I believe that they can learn to be kind by wanting to feel the positive feelings that come from having been kind to someone else.

A Time to Rest--A Paragraph a Day

Today was a restful day.  I didn't do a whole lot, as the weather outside wasn't amenable to outdoor activities, and I had that day off from work.  I did a few chores and tasks, I played a few games of chess online, I went for a run on the treadmill, I read, I listened to music.  I didn't accomplish a whole lot, and that's okay.  I needed a day with nothing really going on, with out any stress of getting a particular task finished or achieving anything specific.  It was very nice just flowing with the day, and sometimes I wonder if that's what life is supposed to be like--not worrying about accomplishment or pleasing other people, but doing what the day brings along and doing our best at it and trying to enjoy it.  I think that on the day I day, I'm going to think back much more fondly on those days that I spent simply being, and less fondly on those days that were stressful and annoying.  Sure, there's a sense of pride to be had when we accomplish certain things or get other things done, but who knows if our goal in life should be to learn how to simply be,  rather than learning always how to do.  Our cultures value the latter, though, so that's what we tend to focus on, never even thinking that we may be doing something that's more harmful to us than slowing down, resting, and being mindful of all the gifts that are part of our lives.

Winter Guilt, Sort of--A Paragraph a Day

Winter, a lingering season, is a time to gather golden moments,
embark upon a sentimental journey, and enjoy every idle hour.
-John Boswell

As odd as it sounds, sometimes I feel guilty in the winter.  Not for anything bad that I've done, but because I spend so much time doing so little.  I'm a pretty active person by nature, but winter is a season during which I feel the desire to hunker down and enjoy the intimacy of the indoors and not have tons of things planned to do.  I'm still fairly active--I still go running, I still do work around the house, I still go for walks--but not nearly as active as I am in the warmer months.  I'm not a winter sports person, and that's fine.  I like to sit down and play a few games of chess online, or read a good book, or take a nap.  I'm fortunate that I don't really feel guilty about not doing things, because if I did, winter would bring out tremendous guilt feelings.  Instead, I do my best to enjoy the down time, to make the most of the time that I can relax and feel fine just sitting here with a cup of coffee or tea or cocoa and a good book or a computer.  We still have a few weeks of winter left, and I hope that I'm able to enjoy them and all that they bring, as much as I possibly can!

When Things Are Difficult--A Paragraph a Day

I was talking to some of my students today and a couple of them were saying that they weren't going to take Spanish any more because languages are too difficult for them.  It's always interesting for me to hear people say things like this because I know that they've already been through the most difficult parts, learning a language from zero and trying to adapt to new ways of thinking and expressing ideas.  What I know from experience, though, is that after the first couple of courses, languages get easier.  Once someone has built a base to work from and has a good idea of the fundamentals of a language, then it becomes much easier for them to learn new concepts, for they just kind of plug them in to the structures that they already know and are able to use.  It's kind of a shame, actually--so many people give up on things like languages just when they're about to hit the part that's easiest, and the part that's the most rewarding.  So many things in life are like that--they're terribly difficult at the start, but as we get better, they get easier.  Unfortunately, the difficulties make many people give up before the ever hit the easier and more rewarding part, and that, I can promise you, is a shame.  Let's not give up because the way has been difficult.  It won't always be so, but if we give up, we'll never know for sure.

http://livinglifefully.com/perseverance.htm

People Helping People--A Paragraph a Day

I'm showing the film Thirteen Lives to one of my classes this week.  It's a wonderful movie that shows just how good and how kind people can be to each other, and the kinds of risks that people are willing to take, the kinds of sacrifices that people are willing to make, in order to help out other human beings whom they've never even met before.  When thirteen young people are trapped in a cave by flooding, the lengths to which people are willing to go to save them are truly inspiring, and it's a very nice thing in this world to watch a story about people helping people selflessly, rather than the typical fare that's presented to us in the name of entertainment of people hurting other people, for whatever the reason.  I like to remind myself that the world truly is meant for this--kindness and compassion, rather than hatred, greed, and harm.  It's hard to see through the haze sometimes, but films like this help to clear the air and help us to see what human beings are capable of if we allow compassion to be a guiding force in our lives.

Growing Old--A Paragraph a Day

I think that one of the more fascinating things about growing old is the fact that I don't feel any older now than I ever have.  The world still interests me, I still see lots of fascinating and beautiful things, I still enjoy a lot of the activities that we have here, and I still like things like weather and little kids and coffee and quiet evenings at home.  I honestly don't feel a bit different than I did at twenty or thirty, though, except for the fact that I have a lot more memories and a bit more wisdom to help make my life a bit more pleasant.  It's not bothering a bit to get older--in fact, I think that overall I'm happier and more stable now than I ever have been.  When I look around at the other older people around me and I notice that so many of them are carrying around tons of bitterness and regret, that they're mad that the world is changing and isn't like it used to be, that they're upset that young people don't live up to their expectations that were forged decades ago, I feel pretty fortunate.  The world is going on, no matter what my age, and it will continue to go on long after I'm gone.  I'm just going to try to enjoy this stage of my life while I have it.

Quiet Afternoons--A Paragraph a Day

It's really quite fascinating to me just how nice quiet afternoons at home have become for me.  There was a time when I wanted to be out doing something, when I wanted to be active, when I felt I was wasting my time if I wasn't actually doing something.  But these days, some of my most pleasant moments come when I choose to stay home in the afternoon and read or play chess or color or draw or write.  I still love being active and doing things, but I've reached a point at which balance is very important, too, and I really like being at home, doing nothing, while outside the world keeps going on and on without me playing an active role in it.  I wouldn't want to do it all the time, of course, as I'm sure the charm would wear thin, but as long as I do balance staying in on a quiet afternoon and just relaxing with the other approaches to life that I tend to take, then I'll be fine.  Such afternoons stir appreciation for the home I have to relax in, for the money I have to maintain the home and my lifestyle, for the opportunity even to just slow down and be for a few hours.  It's a privilege that not everyone in the world is able to enjoy.  Quiet afternoons can give us some of our best moments if we can be sure to actually enjoy and appreciate them without feeling that we should be doing something else.

Let Today's Tasks Be Today's Tasks--A Paragraph a Day

I have an interesting affliction, for lack of a better word.  I always think I should be doing more--accomplishing more, giving more, reading more, working more.  I should be a better teacher, a better husband, a better writer.  I don't know where this tendency has come from, but it's very real, and it's very annoying.  These days it's not nearly as strong as it has been for most of my life, and that's partly because I used Buddhist monks--and other people from other religions--as role models.  We've been born into cultures that seem to value achievement above all else, so we feel pressure to achieve.  But what about peace?  Could it be that being able to do nothing for an entire day--and enjoying the nothingness of it--is an extremely high form of achievement?  I think about monks who spend years doing little but studying and contemplating life, never thinking at all about achievements that will impress other people, and I start to relax.  Because I'm not a better man than those monks who have spent decades contemplating life and living.  They've lived their lives and then passed on, and no one remembers them except for a select few, and that's okay.  When my day to leave this planet comes, I want to be able to say that I learned the lesson of how to simply live and enjoy, without thinking about achievement at all.  Our lives are gifts to us, and there's nothing wrong with simply contemplating a gift and enjoying it.  And that's what I want to do with my life.

A Little Bit of Effort

One of the hardest aspects of teaching to deal with is watching young people self-sabotage and self-destruct.  It's impossible to remember just how many people I've seen fail courses simply because they didn't want to do the work necessary to learn the material they were assigned to learn.  A grade is simply an indication of how much a student has learned--or at least, it should be--and a failing grade tends to indicate that the student hasn't learned much at all.

If I'm teaching Spanish, for example, the students' grades indicate whether or not the students have reached the level of the language that they're assigned to reach.  If a student reaches the end of the second year and still can't answer the question "How are you?", then of course there's a significant problem, and giving the student a passing grade is definitely the worst thing that I could do.  That passing grade is saying not only that the student has met the requirements of the course (they haven't), but also that the student is ready for the next Spanish course in the sequence (they're not).

Unfortunately, though, I see a lot of teachers making it possible for students to earn a passing grade in their classes without knowing what they're supposed to know or doing the work they're supposed to do.  I can't tell you the number of teachers I've seen who really do nothing but assign students to work on packets as a group, and then the teacher sits at his or her computer for the next hour, answering the odd question or two.  In the meantime, not all the students are doing the work--many members of groups are allowing one person to come up with all the answers, and then they're simply copying those answers on their own worksheets and turning them in.  And getting the same grade as the students who did the work.

I see this in the students' attitudes towards learning.  Much of the time when I'm working with a class and someone raises their hand for help, all they want is for me to come over and give them an answer.  They get upset with me when I come over and refuse to answer the question for them--instead, I point out in the text where they can find the answer themselves.  Most of them don't like that one bit.  But I don't care.  If I'm going to be entrusted with my students' learning, then I'm going to do all I can to help them to learn, and to help them to learn how to learn.

But learning takes effort, and it's much easier to just have someone give you the answer.  After all, these young people have grown up being able to put any question they want into a search engine and get an immediate answer with no effort at all.  They can visit a translation site online and get immediate translations for anything they want to say--though the translations are often quite inaccurate.  They're not used to having to work to get an answer for anything, and teachers don't help a bit when they make their classes nothing more than an effort to find the right answer to questions.  Life is about processes and cycles and depth, while our learning has become shallow and superficial.  We can't learn about the nuances of life until we learn how to learn, until we're able to see a lesson and take from it what it has to teach us.

Some young people are lucky.  They have parents who don't allow them to spend all of their free time on their phones, who expect their kids to read and to do work that helps them to learn and grow.  Of course, many of those kids see their parents as ridiculously out of touch with reality, and extremely unfair.  They don't understand now what they'll know for sure some years from now:  that their parents' refusal to allow their kids to do something just because "everyone else is doing it" is actually the best thing that they can do for their children in the long run.

How often are we willing to make the effort to do something well?  We used to cook for hours and have meals that were truly worth the time and effort.  We used to sit down and write letters by hand, and we came up with some very nice letters, the likes of which we don't see much any more.  All in all, our current tendencies to do things as quickly and easily as possible aren't helping us to grow and develop as human beings, as unique individuals, and they're not helping us to develop our unique skills and talents, either.

How often have I wished that someone who works at a store had taken a bit of extra time to actually learn their job and learn their store?  How often have I wished that a server had learned more about the food and beverages that they were serving?  Over the years I have had some situations in which I've ended up with serious problems because someone else didn't take the time or make the effort to learn their jobs better.

We have control over much of our lives, and much of that control lies in the decisions that we make to better ourselves, to learn and to grow and to develop.  What kinds of decisions will you make?  Will you take the easy course all the time, or will you challenge yourself now and then to do something better than you've done it before?  When we talk about living life fully, it seems pretty obvious that the full life isn't the easy and empty life, but rather the life that has been spent developing quality and getting better at the things we love to do.

My mentor taught me that success is a numbers game and very early he started asking me my numbers.  He asked, "How many books have you read in the last ninety days?" I said, "Zero"; he said, "Not a good number."  He said, "How many classes have you attended in the last six months to improve your skills?"  And I said, "Zero."  He said, "Not a good number."  Then he said, "In the last six years that you've been working, how much money have you saved and invested?"  I said, "Zero" and he said, "Not a good number."  Then here's what he said, "Mr. Rohn, if these numbers don't change your life won't change.  But," he said, "If you'll start improving these numbers then perhaps you'll start to see everything change for you."    -Jim Rohn

The Way Things Seem

I've found in life that the ways that things seem to be very often aren't actually the ways that things are.  We bring so many of our own biases and prejudices and desires into what we see that we tend to see things in the ways that we want to see them, or through a lens that distorts reality so significantly that the view that we have is warped, at best.

As a teacher, I see this constantly.  The young person who seems to be screwing around to get attention is sometimes dealing with trauma at home, and acting out their emotions in a place where it's safe to do so.  The student who seems to not be studying at all may be sleep deprived, or have poor eyesight, or have a learning difference that makes a particular topic almost impossible to learn.  The student who doesn't seem to care at all may be withdrawn because of relationship difficulties in the family, up to and including being abused by a parent.

We've all heard the saying, "Things aren't always what they seem."  From my experience, I would amend that statement to read, "Things are rarely what they seem."

This is Thanksgiving week, and here in the States, we have a beautiful holiday to celebrate on Thursday.  This day's focus on gratitude gives us an opportunity to think more deeply about thankfulness, about appreciation.  It gives us a chance not just to count our blessings, but to ponder them.  Why do we consider them blessings?  Why do we not consider other things blessings?

There are many people who have kept the same job for decades and have fallen into a rut of repetition that makes them miserable.  Is the steady job and the paycheck really a "blessing," then?  Others have been fired from their jobs through no fault of their own and ended up finding something else, something better that inspires them more and rekindles passion for their work.  Was being fired from the job really a "curse," then?  Or was it a bigger blessing than the steady job and pay that would have led to tedium and unhappiness?

Of course, a steady job with good pay can be a huge blessing.  But that isn't always the case, is it?

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to challenge myself to look for the blessings in the supposed curses, the positive in the seeming negative.  I'm going to do my best to find a reason to be thankful for everything in my life, with the knowledge that I have no idea what kinds of benefits my current situations will bring me in the future.  Perhaps I'm not too fond of my job, but the person I meet there three months from now is going to show me how to open some other doors that will be much more beneficial to me than the ones I see now.

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to try to be thankful without condition.  I'm going to try to see the good and the positive in everything, knowing as I do that even things that begin with evil can bear positive outcomes (I'm thinking about the war in the Ukraine now--a war that is inexcusable and that was begun with evil intentions).

I'm going to be thankful for all that I've had in life, all that I do have in life, and all that I shall have later in life.  Because my thankfulness--or lack of it--is completely up to me.

You can visit our page on Thanksgiving by clicking here.

Moment by Moment

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that never was before and never will be again.    -Pau Casals
  
  
This truth about the lives we lead is very, very difficult to keep in mind most of the time.  After all, when I go into work today, that same obnoxious person will still be making me uncomfortable; that same problem with my computer will be there; I'll still get along well with certain co-workers.  In my case, I'll still have the same students in my classes, with the same drama and complaining and humor and achievement.  It's hard to distinguish this particular moment in my life--this "right here, right now"--from all the other right heres and right nows that already have passed.
   
But the fact that this is a new and unique moment of the universe means, of course, that I have the power to make changes.  I have the option of doing things differently, of reacting differently to similar situations or actions.  I have the possibility of starting something new or continuing something that I've been at for a while.  I have the opportunity to step onto a new road that may be going somewhere that I've never intended on going to--and making the most of the journey that results.
  
Right here and right now, I have the choice of continuing to type or stopping, of continuing to think of which words to write or to stop thinking about this and start thinking of something else.  I can go back and delete a paragraph or a word or a sentence.  I can do anything I want--it really is my choice.

And it's the same with anything in my life.  I could decide right now never to go back to my job--though I would pay a series of very high prices for making that decision.  In some situations, though, those prices would be worth it.  We tell ourselves so often, "I'll make this change when the time is right" because we're worried about consequences, but sometimes maintaining the status quo can be much more difficult and much more damaging than making a change and facing consequences.

What are we going to do with this moment?  Some of my favorite moments each day are those when I simply close my eyes and breathe deeply and calm myself.  I don't get anything "done" during those moments, of course, but they make other moments during my day much more enjoyable and productive.  I also enjoy practicing awareness during moments when I remember to do so--looking around and actually seeing and appreciating all the things that are around me.

In other moments, I compliment or encourage someone--or both.  I stop and actually listen to music that's being played.  I take out a picture or two that remind me of beautiful moments of my past.  I hug my wife or one of my kids if they're around.

What I find to be the most important use of moments, though, is the decision-making that I'm able to do.  All of my previous moments have led to this present moment somehow, so I have a lot of experience and learning behind me.  This moment right here and right now, I can make a decision that will affect all of my future moments.  That decision can have to do with my job or a relationship or a hobby or education or my body, but our most important decisions happen in a moment, don't they?  A lot builds up to them, of course, but the decision itself is the result of a moment, and hopefully a moment of clarity.

The present moment, right here and right now, offers us much.  Few of us, though, are able even to recognize what's being offered, much less able to take advantage of the offers.  Perhaps by practicing awareness, we can be more aware of what each moment of our lives brings to us.
  
  

Living Simply

If one's life is simple, contentment has to come.  Simplicity is extremely
important for happiness.  Having few desires, feeling satisfied
with what you have, is very vital:  satisfaction with just enough food,
clothing, and shelter to protect yourself from the elements.   -the Dalai Lama


I find that simplicity is very difficult to attain for me personally.  I want to simplify--I want to get rid of the extra things that I have and possess just the bare minimum that I need to get by, but I consistently find it difficult to do so.  I'm pretty sure that much of this trait of mine comes from the ways that I grew up--I find it hard to get rid of things because on a subconscious level, I'm afraid that I'm going to need them someday, and that I won't be able to replace them if I do need them.  I know where this trait comes from and I'm not to thrilled to have it as one of the dominant traits of my life, but it is what it is, right?

Of course it is.  And the main thing for me to keep in mind is that if it is a trait that I have and I'm not fond of that trait, I have to do what I can to change that trait into one that I'm more comfortable with, one that I actually like.  And I strongly believe that I would like my life to be simpler, to not be burdened with so many things, so many possessions that I could easily get rid of without causing any negative effects on my life at all.

What does it mean, though, to "not be burdened" by things?  After all, if I have three cars instead of one, what's the big deal.  I use the cars as a metaphor because they show very well just how dramatic a lack of simplicity can be.  If I own three cars, I have to keep track of three engines, three sets of wheels and tires, three transmissions, and so on.  I have to make sure that I plan for three oil changes from time to time, and I need to keep three tanks full of gas.  It's not the actual having of things that changes our lives--it's the time and energy that it takes to maintain them that makes things different for us.

Very often, we get to a point at which we don't notice just how overwhelming it is to have so many things.  If we've been in the same house for years, it can be easy to just keep putting things in the garage or storage shed.  They seem harmless, but those things can become difficult to manage.  Space becomes scarce, and many of our options can be lost as we possess more and more.  When we buy a dog, we lose the chance to spend weekends away, unless we pay extra for a hotel that allows pets.  Even if we can bring the dog, there are many places that we may want to visit that won't allow pets at all.

Sometimes we lose simplicity when we commit ourselves to too many things to do, and we run ourselves ragged trying to fulfill all of our responsibilities.  If we keep our obligations few, then much of life opens up to allow us in, but when we create new obligations for ourselves, we can shut many doors that might have opened for us.

The Dalai Lama mentions "having few desires," and I think that that's one important element of a simple life.  When we desire things that will complicate our lives, then simplicity is just a pipe dream.  When we allow ourselves to have fewer wants, when we're satisfied with what we have and where we are, then we're setting ourselves up for simpler lives that are easier to deal with in many, many ways.

I'm not that good at simplifying, but I keep trying to get better.  I know that the more I do simplify, the easier my life is going to be, and the more I'll be able to focus more consistently on the things that truly matter to me.


It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.

Laura Ingalls Wilder

The Strength of the Gentle

I grew up thinking that strength meant being strong, showing strength in physical and emotional ways.  It meant being unyielding, and it always implied pushing beyond limits and pushing others to push themselves beyond their personal limits.  It was an ideal that everyone was supposed to live up to:  always being strong and never giving in.

Gentleness, on the other hand, was seen as weakness in many cases.  A gentle response to a problem was lame and ineffective.  A gentle approach to a problem made no sense, because we surely can't "overcome" problems with a gentle approach.

But what if most problems don't need to be overcome?  What if, instead, they need to be understood and worked through?  What if gentleness is an approach that works more effectively in the long run, long past the time that the short-term fix that's based on strength or force ceases to be effective any more?  Many people never will find out the effectiveness of gentleness because they'll always be convinced that they have to be strong in order to get things done.

Gentleness means recognizing that the world around us is fragile, especially
other people. It is recognizing our own capacity to do harm and choosing 
to be tender, soft-spoken, soft-hearted, and careful. When we are gentle
we touch the world in ways that protect and preserve it.  Being gentle
doesn't mean being weak; gentleness can be firm, even powerful.
-unattributed, Wisdom Commons

I was fortunate as a teacher to discover that the vast majority of my students responded much, much better to my gentleness than they did to my strength.  They had enough "strong" teachers--they didn't need any more criticism, harshness, inflexibility, or punishment.  The vast majority of them were doing the best they could, and they really appreciated it when I treated them gently rather than harshly.

Sometimes we feel pressure to be "in control" of things, and many of our so-called "teachers" in life--parents, relatives, bosses, and anyone else who has influence over us--try to convince us that being "in control" means that other people will bend to our will and act in ways we want them to.  The kid who's making noise will shut up; the subordinate at work will do what they're told; nobody will argue with you for any reason at all.

But the gentle approach isn't concerned with directly controlling situations.  Rather, the gentle person understands that often, things don't go right because someone doesn't understand something and needs to be taught, or someone is doing something wrong because they're hurting in an important and painful way, or a person doesn't respond well to suggestions or requests because they simply don't understand the importance of doing something in a certain way.  In these cases--and many others--gently helping the person involved is generally much more effective than trying to "force" things to happen our way.

Don't judge the gentle; their gentleness is stronger than your fears and angers.
Don't judge those who have lost their gentleness; you haven't lived their lives.
In all people, hope for the gentleness to return and see gentleness
for the beauty that it is.
-C. JoyBell C.

One of the most important things that we can do in our lives is to adopt gentleness as an approach to the rest of life.  When we're gentle, we allow others to be themselves rather than trying to force them to be something else.  When we're gentle, we become an ally to other people rather than an enemy.  When we're gentle, we show others their worth and value rather than trying to convince them that they're worthless if they don't do things our way.  When we're gentle, we help people to heal rather than opening up new wounds.

Yes, there are times when a strong and unyielding approach is more effective, even necessary.  But these times represent the exception rather than the rule.

A gentle approach to the world shows respect and allows others to keep their dignity.  It shows the world that we're not so insecure that we must dominate and control others.  It allows us to be an ally of life rather than a foe of life.  And for ourselves, it gives us peace of mind and peace of heart when we focus on a gentle understanding rather than stressful conflict.  Gentleness allows us to be in touch with our higher selves, that part of who we are that is able to share love, compassion, understanding, and hope with our fellow human beings.

In the broad picture of life, let me always be a person who chooses a gentle approach whenever I can.

Read more on gentleness here.

Common Sense: An Endangered Quality?

I truly love common sense, and I really like being with people who show it regularly.  Common sense is one of the most important traits that human beings can show, I believe, for it allows us to avoid stupid mistakes and to do things that make sense, no matter what the circumstances.

The problem seems to be that common sense often contradicts the wants and needs of other people who have influence over us.  It can even contradict our own wants and needs--if something goes wrong with our plumbing but I have no expertise or experience with plumbing, common sense tells us to hire someone who does.  But what if we don't have enough money to pay a plumber to come out and fix things?  Then we make the decision to do it ourselves even though we're not quite sure what we're doing, and that's a decision that can end up costing us tons more money if we make mistakes that need even more professional help.

I think that some people simply never have learned about common sense.  They're not able to look at a situation and figure out what the clearest, most common-sensical approach to dealing with it would be.  If a child is having a bad day and being a pain, we'll often see parents get upset with the kid, telling them to knock it off and to act better.  Common sense would tell us, though, that the most important thing that we can do is to find out what's wrong--especially if the behavior isn't normal for that person.

Everybody gets so much information all day long
that they lose their common sense.
-Gertrude Stein

It's rather easy to lose track of common sense in a world that pressures us to know everything, and to do everything quickly.  Sometimes we lose common sense because of our tendency to hurry--we ask ourselves, "What would be the quickest solution to this problem?" rather than "Which solution makes the most sense and has the best chance of being effective?"  Our desire to get things done and move on to the next thing can hurt us rather significantly if we're not careful, and it's hard to be careful if we're constantly focused on time.

We also lose our ability to practice common sense when we overthink.  We tend to overanalyze so much of what we do because we've been taught that logic and reason are the most important traits that we can exercise when dealing with any sort of problem.  After all, the human being has been gifted with reason, so we should use our reason in every situation, right?  But things don't always work out that way.  One of the most common stereotypes of men is that we tend not to stop and ask for directions, even though common sense tells us that someone who lives in the area would be a very good source of information if we're looking for something.  But we convince ourselves that we can "figure it out," and we keep looking even though we've never been in this particular place ourselves.  Of course, all locals aren't going to be able to give us effective directions, but the chances of them knowing how to get somewhere in their own town are much better than the chances of us being able to find something that we haven't found yet.

It is a thousand times better to have common sense without
education than to have education without common sense.
-Robert Green Ingersoll

Our tendency to rely upon technology has been a disaster for common sense.  Once my wife and I were driving with another couple, and the man driving was relying on his GPS device for directions.  We were very hungry, and we were looking for a place to eat.  As we passed through a town, we passed a sign that told us that the next junction was straight ahead, while the downtown area was to the right.  I fully expected him to take a right so that we could find a restaurant in the downtown area, but just then his device "spoke" to him and told him to go straight--it was telling him how to reach his destination by the shortest route possible.  Even though we were extremely hungry, he followed the spoken directions of his GPS, and we ended up bypassing the downtown area, and any chance we had of finding a restaurant in that town.

When the philosopher's argument becomes tedious, complicated,
and opaque, it is usually a sign that he or she is attempting to prove
as true to the intellect what is plainly false to common sense.
-Edward Abbey

We truly should not put logic and rational thought and information on the pedestals upon which so many of us put them.  Common sense, I believe, should always be our first goal when deciding upon any course of action.  Sometimes there will be other needs involved that will force us to not follow the most common-sensical approach and to look for longer-lasting solutions to problems, but in my experience, common sense will help us out far more often in far more many ways than anything else.  It can help us in our relationships, in our jobs, in our recreation, with our possessions and our homes and our dreams and goals and desires--but only if we make the effort to recognize it, and make the decision to follow it.

You'll find more thoughts and ideas on common sense here.