and take without forgetting. -Elizabeth Bibesco
It's the season for giving, especially among the people who celebrate Christmas. It's time for us to shift our focus from what we want to what others want, to try to figure out which gifts would be most appropriate and useful for the people we love.
Over the years I've watched people become miserable because the recipient of the gifts they've chosen didn't respond in ways that they expected. They've become angry and frustrated because they couldn't give without remembering--they not only kept in mind the fact that they had given something to someone else, but they held on to the resentment of the person's supposedly "inappropriate" response.
Personally, when I give a gift I honestly don't care how the person responds. It's really nice when they show appreciation and say thank you, but if they don't do so and I get upset about that, then I'm making myself upset--they're not the ones making me upset. If they love my gift and don't say thanks, great. If they dislike the gift, I just remember that choosing a gift is generally imperfect process, anyway, and that I did the best I could. But now they have something that they can pass on to someone else, or something that they can donate to a charity if they so choose. And tomorrow, I want to be on the same terms with them as I am today--me giving a gift shouldn't change anything. I'm not going to remind them of how generous I was to them in order to try to make them appreciate me all over again. That would just be silly.
When I get gifts, though, I do want to remember the side of the persons who gave them to me. I want to remember that person as kind and generous, no matter how they might act tomorrow, because it helps my perspective. Even if our relationship deteriorates in the future, I still have this positive element in my memory, and that's something that I don't want to lose.
