Dissonance is an amazing thing. It makes most of us very uncomfortable, yet we don't do nearly enough to avoid it, for the most part. Cognitive dissonance occurs when we have inconsistent or contradictory thoughts or beliefs, or when our actions don't match our beliefs. For example, if I believe that politicians should be honest and I vote for someone whom I know isn't honest just because he's someone I know, then dissonance is bound to occur. I've violated my commitment to honesty, and I can't help but feel something negative for having done so.
It's very important that we do our best not to allow ourselves to create dissonance in our lives, and not to allow others to do so. If you believe that drinking to excess is wrong yet you allow a friend to talk you into getting drunk, only part of the problem lies in the fact that you got drunk. A significant part of the problem is that you've violated a belief that you hold dear, and you have to live with that fact now.
It's extremely common for cognitive dissonance to rear its head in our lives. We believe in staying true to our spouse, yet we feel attracted to another person. We believe that it's important to be honest in our financial dealings, yet we fudge on our taxes in the spring, or neglect to point out an error that benefits us on a contract. And what we usually do in order to deal with the dissonance is called rationalization--we come up with explanations that justify our actions in order to make ourselves feel better.
But the dissonance is still there. We've just thrown a blanket over it in order not to be able to see it.
As hard as it is to accept, the only way to truly avoid cognitive dissonance in our lives is to be completely true to our beliefs and ideals. We can't say anything that we don't believe, and we can't act in ways that contradict those beliefs and ideals. This is rather difficult to do, though, because other people are in our lives, and they very often cause us to do things that we normally wouldn't consider doing.
It can be something as simple as wanting to focus on the positive as much as possible, then having a co-worker constantly talk about negative aspects of your jobs, making you feel more and more negative the more that person talks. Dissonance can come into your life when you promise yourself to be more patient with your child, but then the child does something to challenge that patience, and you lose it. Not only do you lose your patience, but you break your promise to yourself at the same time.
So we need to clarify things in our lives if we're going to avoid certain things. For example, I already know that I'm going to say no to the vast majority of alcoholic drinks that are offered to me, and that I'll never drink more than two of anything. I've dealt with enough alcoholism to last me for two or three lifetimes, and I'm not going to go down that road myself. And when I stay true to that promise, I'm not going to have to get angry and/or frustrated with myself for doing something that I definitely didn't want to do.
I'm not going to vote for anyone who violates ideals that I hold dear, no matter how much that person's policies will benefit me. I'm going to avoid arguments that may cause me to say something that I'm going to feel bad about later.
And speaking of the words "feel bad," they often apply directly to cognitive dissonance. You might have said something bad about a friend, and now you feel bad about it--the feeling is the dissonance you feel for having done something that violates your principles. In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says that one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word, to speak with integrity. Integrity means wholeness, which means that we can't split ourselves apart with our words--in other words, think one thing and say another, or say one thing and mean another. If we want to avoid the dissonance, we have to have some pre-made decisions that we can stick to when we're faced with dilemmas that can be harmful to us.
If you want to prevent dissonance in your life, that bad feeling that you've done something wrong, then you need to stick with what you know is right in your words, in your actions, and in your reactions. You need to avoid situations as much as possible that will cause you to violate your principles and ideals. You need to be honest with yourself as to your motives, and not rationalize actions that are wrong in order to make yourself feel better about having done something that you know you shouldn't have.
You will face cognitive dissonance. We all do. But you can easily minimize it by making the decision now to do always what you know to be right and what you know not to be harmful to others. And if we have a lot of pre-made choices, things become even easier.
22 June 2019
18 June 2019
Living with Privilege--Is It a Problem?
I'm looking forward to today, because there really is no other way to approach this day that's going to happen whether I like it or not. I'm fortunate because there's nothing planned for today that I'm going to dread--no awful meetings or trainings or court dates or potentially unpleasant situations that I know about lay before me. Even on days that promise such situations, though, it is possible to look forward to the day in general, knowing that it may have some moments that aren't so nice. After all, each day holds much to experience and much to learn, and even the unpleasant experiences can teach us much about ourselves and life.
So I'm looking forward to today--so what? Does that mean that I'm one of the privileged people who have everything that I need and don't have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from? It's pretty easy to look forward to a day when that's the case, isn't it? I don't have any relatives who make my life miserable; I'm old enough to make my own decisions without my parents controlling me; I live in a place where I don't have to worry about my safety as I walk around town. While I'm not wealthy at all and my wife and I need to do all we can to keep expenses down, I do have many privileges that others don't share. The important thing is that I acknowledge those privileges and appreciate the heck out of them, because they do make my life much more pleasant in many ways.
That said, though, it's also important that I give myself a bit of credit--where I live and how I live have a lot to do with choices that I've made in the past. When I chose the career that I was going to pursue, when my wife and I chose the place where we wanted to live, when we chose not to spend extravagantly as soon as we have a little bit of money, we made choices that would have obvious effects on each day of our lives from then on. And while we still have trying days from time to time, the choices that we've made in the past have been, as much as possible, to follow our hearts and help other people and not focus on money or power or luxury. We certainly like to have a bit of money in the bank just in case, but the work we've chosen has always been work that somehow contributes to the lives of others. And that helps us to look forward to each workday, knowing that we are doing something that does make a difference to someone.
There are people who will try to make us feel guilty for having privilege, but I'll have none of that. As long as I take full advantage of all that's available to me and I don't abuse it or take it for granted, then I'm simply living the life I was given. As long as I don't try to put anyone else down in order to maintain what I have, then I'm okay.
I believe that the most important thing to keep in mind is that with privilege comes responsibility. Because we have privilege, it's up to us to take advantage of that privilege to do what we can for others, when we can. That doesn't mean that we have to spend sixty hours a week working with underprivileged people--we don't need to give up the good parts of our lives just because others don't have the same things. But we do need to find ways that we can use what we have to help to improve the lives of others. We all have our special gifts that we can use to contribute to life, even in small ways, and if we don't have to scrape and struggle to get by, that means that we should have some time and some resources that we can share.
How can we do this? Again, small ways are appropriate for most of us. Many supermarkets have donation boxes for local food banks; many thrift stores that specialize in providing for the underprivileged can use some of the things that we have so that they can go to someone who may need them more than we do; underprivileged students may need tutoring in something we know or mentoring, working on life skills; many churches have groups and programs that work with and for people who have experienced loss or who are having a difficult time making ends meet.
The important thing for ourselves, though, is that we don't take for granted the privileges that we do have. If we're able to appreciate that privilege and make the most of it in the form of contributions to others, then we'll definitely be living our lives fully and making the most of the lives we've been given.
So I'm looking forward to today--so what? Does that mean that I'm one of the privileged people who have everything that I need and don't have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from? It's pretty easy to look forward to a day when that's the case, isn't it? I don't have any relatives who make my life miserable; I'm old enough to make my own decisions without my parents controlling me; I live in a place where I don't have to worry about my safety as I walk around town. While I'm not wealthy at all and my wife and I need to do all we can to keep expenses down, I do have many privileges that others don't share. The important thing is that I acknowledge those privileges and appreciate the heck out of them, because they do make my life much more pleasant in many ways.
That said, though, it's also important that I give myself a bit of credit--where I live and how I live have a lot to do with choices that I've made in the past. When I chose the career that I was going to pursue, when my wife and I chose the place where we wanted to live, when we chose not to spend extravagantly as soon as we have a little bit of money, we made choices that would have obvious effects on each day of our lives from then on. And while we still have trying days from time to time, the choices that we've made in the past have been, as much as possible, to follow our hearts and help other people and not focus on money or power or luxury. We certainly like to have a bit of money in the bank just in case, but the work we've chosen has always been work that somehow contributes to the lives of others. And that helps us to look forward to each workday, knowing that we are doing something that does make a difference to someone.
There are people who will try to make us feel guilty for having privilege, but I'll have none of that. As long as I take full advantage of all that's available to me and I don't abuse it or take it for granted, then I'm simply living the life I was given. As long as I don't try to put anyone else down in order to maintain what I have, then I'm okay.
I believe that the most important thing to keep in mind is that with privilege comes responsibility. Because we have privilege, it's up to us to take advantage of that privilege to do what we can for others, when we can. That doesn't mean that we have to spend sixty hours a week working with underprivileged people--we don't need to give up the good parts of our lives just because others don't have the same things. But we do need to find ways that we can use what we have to help to improve the lives of others. We all have our special gifts that we can use to contribute to life, even in small ways, and if we don't have to scrape and struggle to get by, that means that we should have some time and some resources that we can share.
How can we do this? Again, small ways are appropriate for most of us. Many supermarkets have donation boxes for local food banks; many thrift stores that specialize in providing for the underprivileged can use some of the things that we have so that they can go to someone who may need them more than we do; underprivileged students may need tutoring in something we know or mentoring, working on life skills; many churches have groups and programs that work with and for people who have experienced loss or who are having a difficult time making ends meet.
The important thing for ourselves, though, is that we don't take for granted the privileges that we do have. If we're able to appreciate that privilege and make the most of it in the form of contributions to others, then we'll definitely be living our lives fully and making the most of the lives we've been given.
12 June 2019
What Have We Done to--or for-- Our Young People?
I had a good discussion today with a friend about young people, about the world that they've grown up in and just how different that world is than the one in which we grew up. Their worlds have been completely different from day one than the worlds that we knew when we were younger. We talked about how many people criticize the youth of today for many different things, and how unfair that seems given the things that these young people have gone through. Many of the problems that they face are a direct result of the actions of their predecessors (us), and I think it would be a good idea to stop criticizing them so much and instead think of ways to help them to cope with the world that we've made.
It really isn't an easy world to live in. And while I don't want to sound like I'm pointing fingers and blaming my generation for everything, I think that it's important that we take responsibility for making their worlds a bit more difficult to grow up in, in many ways.
How? you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. First of all, we've created a very expensive world to live in, without creating jobs that pay well enough for people to get by comfortably. We used to assume that if we worked hard, we would be able to make ends meet rather easily--in fact, we used to be able to get by with just one adult in a household working, with the other staying home to take care of the household. Now, though, couples are struggling even with two adults working. Housing is absurdly expensive and wages are absurdly low. Pay raises have not kept up with inflation, making everything from groceries to cars to books more expensive for our young people than they ever were for us. They're struggling greatly in the world we've made, and we're not doing much to help them, in general.
Our younger generations are the first to have been exposed to advertising as consistently and as aggressively as they have. Ads invade their private lives now, and they're customized for individuals on computers and phones. When we keep in mind that the major purpose of advertising is to make its targets feel a sense of dissatisfaction so that they'll buy something in particular in search of satisfaction, we realize that these young people have been told over and over and over again that their lives are not complete, that they need more to be happy, that they won't be all that they can be until they own certain things. And the ads aren't just on devices--they're also more dominant on clothing, products, vehicles, sides of buildings--you name it. How can we expect them to feel good about themselves when they're constantly bombarded with messages that tell them they shouldn't?
We've lowered the funding of our schools so much that the level of education that our children receive is, in general, pathetically low. That's not their fault--we're so against paying taxes in general that we refuse to pay taxes to cover education, and it's our children who are suffering the consequences. We're willing to pay over $100 for dinner and a movie, over $200 for a day at an amusement park, over $500 for a concert or a football game, yet we refuse to pay $150 a year in taxes to benefit our children by providing them with a high-quality education. Is that fair to them?
American used to be a country of hope, and most of us grew up with a great deal of hope. Nowadays, many still see hope, but many more just see despair. Hope is essential to having a great life--hope of change, hope of progress, hope of better things in the future. Our young people, though, don't have nearly as much to be hopeful for. Our economy has become skewed to favor the very wealthy, and because most of our money is going to a very few very wealthy people and corporations, it's not being spread out among the people. So what do they have to spend on necessities and recreation? Not much, indeed. What do they have to look forward to in the future if things continue as they're going now? Not much, indeed.
"Addiction" used to be a negative word in our society. We recognized that addictions were something that could ruin our lives--there was no way that being addicted to something could help one to lead a positive, fulfilling life. Now, though, the word is thrown about almost like a joke because so many people see addictions to things like cell phones and video games as something almost even positive. The truth is, though, that addictions still make us take time away from things that are important to us, things like family and work and relationships. The four hours that man just spent on the video game could have been four hours developing his relationship with his daughter. That time you just spent scrolling through social media sites could have been spent learning more about your job or talking to a good friend. When we teach young people that addictions aren't just okay, but sometimes even good, we're doing them a great disservice.
There's more--much more. There's climate change, pollution, plastic everywhere, scarce water, chemical-infused foods, extinct species of animals. I can write about environmental issues later, but that's it for now. I don't want to go on with the negative on a blog that's supposed to be about the positive. So what can we do about this situation that our young people are facing? How can we help them to lead happy and fulfilling lives (while keeping in mind that happiness and fulfillment come from inside, and that we can't change their lives or perspectives for them)?
First of all, and most importantly, we need to stop criticizing them and their generations for what we perceive as their faults. They're living in a world that we developed, and they didn't have any choices about the lives that we've offered them as a society. We need to encourage them to find ways to seek out fulfillment, and we need to educate them about some of the negative aspects of this world that we created. We need to let them know that not everything about this world that we've developed is good (plastic oceans, anyone?), and that they will need to find solutions to problems that we've created.
We need to support them in their search for solutions. The things that they do will have to be different from the things that we did if there's to be any improvement, and we need to accept the fact that they won't be doing things like we did them, and support them in their efforts to make changes.
In short, we need to love them. They're deserving of our love. Our love won't solve their problems and it will appear to be an empty gesture to many, but it's one of the few things that we can give unconditionally, and if we offer our love, they can face the changes that they're being forced to make with stronger hearts and a greater feeling of community.
They face a terribly difficult series of tasks ahead of them. After all, due to climate change our planet may be uninhabitable in just a few decades. Are we going to fix that? Absolutely not, because most of us will be dead and gone before things get as drastic as they're going to get. We'll be like a man who sets fire to a building and then runs away, leaving others to put out the fire and clean up the mess that he caused.
Look around at the young people in your life--family, friends, acquaintances, strangers--and ask yourself how you can contribute to their lives. How can you help to strengthen them to meet the challenges that we've caused and that they will face? How will you help them to face those challenges? The world is going to be theirs very, very soon, and it's up to us to help to make sure that it's a world that they can live in, happily and joyfully and lovingly.
It really isn't an easy world to live in. And while I don't want to sound like I'm pointing fingers and blaming my generation for everything, I think that it's important that we take responsibility for making their worlds a bit more difficult to grow up in, in many ways.
How? you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. First of all, we've created a very expensive world to live in, without creating jobs that pay well enough for people to get by comfortably. We used to assume that if we worked hard, we would be able to make ends meet rather easily--in fact, we used to be able to get by with just one adult in a household working, with the other staying home to take care of the household. Now, though, couples are struggling even with two adults working. Housing is absurdly expensive and wages are absurdly low. Pay raises have not kept up with inflation, making everything from groceries to cars to books more expensive for our young people than they ever were for us. They're struggling greatly in the world we've made, and we're not doing much to help them, in general.
Our younger generations are the first to have been exposed to advertising as consistently and as aggressively as they have. Ads invade their private lives now, and they're customized for individuals on computers and phones. When we keep in mind that the major purpose of advertising is to make its targets feel a sense of dissatisfaction so that they'll buy something in particular in search of satisfaction, we realize that these young people have been told over and over and over again that their lives are not complete, that they need more to be happy, that they won't be all that they can be until they own certain things. And the ads aren't just on devices--they're also more dominant on clothing, products, vehicles, sides of buildings--you name it. How can we expect them to feel good about themselves when they're constantly bombarded with messages that tell them they shouldn't?
We've lowered the funding of our schools so much that the level of education that our children receive is, in general, pathetically low. That's not their fault--we're so against paying taxes in general that we refuse to pay taxes to cover education, and it's our children who are suffering the consequences. We're willing to pay over $100 for dinner and a movie, over $200 for a day at an amusement park, over $500 for a concert or a football game, yet we refuse to pay $150 a year in taxes to benefit our children by providing them with a high-quality education. Is that fair to them?
American used to be a country of hope, and most of us grew up with a great deal of hope. Nowadays, many still see hope, but many more just see despair. Hope is essential to having a great life--hope of change, hope of progress, hope of better things in the future. Our young people, though, don't have nearly as much to be hopeful for. Our economy has become skewed to favor the very wealthy, and because most of our money is going to a very few very wealthy people and corporations, it's not being spread out among the people. So what do they have to spend on necessities and recreation? Not much, indeed. What do they have to look forward to in the future if things continue as they're going now? Not much, indeed.
"Addiction" used to be a negative word in our society. We recognized that addictions were something that could ruin our lives--there was no way that being addicted to something could help one to lead a positive, fulfilling life. Now, though, the word is thrown about almost like a joke because so many people see addictions to things like cell phones and video games as something almost even positive. The truth is, though, that addictions still make us take time away from things that are important to us, things like family and work and relationships. The four hours that man just spent on the video game could have been four hours developing his relationship with his daughter. That time you just spent scrolling through social media sites could have been spent learning more about your job or talking to a good friend. When we teach young people that addictions aren't just okay, but sometimes even good, we're doing them a great disservice.
There's more--much more. There's climate change, pollution, plastic everywhere, scarce water, chemical-infused foods, extinct species of animals. I can write about environmental issues later, but that's it for now. I don't want to go on with the negative on a blog that's supposed to be about the positive. So what can we do about this situation that our young people are facing? How can we help them to lead happy and fulfilling lives (while keeping in mind that happiness and fulfillment come from inside, and that we can't change their lives or perspectives for them)?
First of all, and most importantly, we need to stop criticizing them and their generations for what we perceive as their faults. They're living in a world that we developed, and they didn't have any choices about the lives that we've offered them as a society. We need to encourage them to find ways to seek out fulfillment, and we need to educate them about some of the negative aspects of this world that we created. We need to let them know that not everything about this world that we've developed is good (plastic oceans, anyone?), and that they will need to find solutions to problems that we've created.
We need to support them in their search for solutions. The things that they do will have to be different from the things that we did if there's to be any improvement, and we need to accept the fact that they won't be doing things like we did them, and support them in their efforts to make changes.
In short, we need to love them. They're deserving of our love. Our love won't solve their problems and it will appear to be an empty gesture to many, but it's one of the few things that we can give unconditionally, and if we offer our love, they can face the changes that they're being forced to make with stronger hearts and a greater feeling of community.
They face a terribly difficult series of tasks ahead of them. After all, due to climate change our planet may be uninhabitable in just a few decades. Are we going to fix that? Absolutely not, because most of us will be dead and gone before things get as drastic as they're going to get. We'll be like a man who sets fire to a building and then runs away, leaving others to put out the fire and clean up the mess that he caused.
Look around at the young people in your life--family, friends, acquaintances, strangers--and ask yourself how you can contribute to their lives. How can you help to strengthen them to meet the challenges that we've caused and that they will face? How will you help them to face those challenges? The world is going to be theirs very, very soon, and it's up to us to help to make sure that it's a world that they can live in, happily and joyfully and lovingly.
08 June 2019
Re-Invention
I'm about to have to re-invent myself. My wife and I are going to move, for a variety of reasons, and it looks as if I'm not going to be able to simply start over again doing what I've always done, which has been mostly teaching. There are quite a few reasons that this is the case, including age, but I don't want to dwell on the reasons. Rather, I feel that I need to focus on the changes that I can make in positive ways to earn a living doing something different with my time and my life, without resorting to taking just any extremely low-paying job that I can get, which would ensure us that we would eventually run out of money and have to scrape by on whatever we can get for the last years of our lives.
The thought is rather intimidating. We're moving to an area where we haven't lived before, so we have no contacts and we don't know anyone there. That means we won't have any local references, and we won't have any friends who can suggest jobs to us because they've heard that someone needs help. Instead, we're going to have to make our own ways and do our best to find something suitable that we'll enjoy doing and that will help us to pay the bills. There is a certain amount of risk inherent in a move like this.
And that's okay. We're both willing to make this move because we both trust that life will take care of us. We may face some difficult times and situations, but we don't expect to face impossible times and situations. We're going to give it all that we have and trust that what is meant to be, will be. And we may both end up finding work that is completely different than what we expected or than what we've done in the past, and that's okay, too. One or both of us may end up working evenings for a while, and we'll deal with that when and if we have to. No matter how things go, much of how our lives pan out after we move is up to us--up to the attitudes we have towards the move and whatever new jobs that we have, and up to the dynamics of the place that we move to.
We've done this before, but always with a job to look forward to. We've always had some sort of income waiting for us when we arrived in a new place. That won't be the case this time, though. So we have to do the best we can to make sure that we find something that will help us to pay the rent and pay the bills, and hopefully put something away for retirement.
Our option, of course, is to stay where we are and continue doing what we've been doing for several years, even though there are several very strong reasons for moving. When all is said and done, the reasons for moving outweigh the reasons for staying, so if we were to stay here, we would be doing so only because we hesitate to take a risk that we're sure will be worthwhile. We don't want to stay where we are simply because we're afraid to take risks. We know what the desired course of action is, and we're going to take it no matter how difficult or frightening it may seem.
Much of our decision to do this results from our constant decision to trust life, and to live our lives as fully as we can. There are some important things missing from our lives where we live right now, and it seems quite obvious that something is missing. We want to take the chance that finding another place to live will help us with those things, and we've put a lot of thought into where we might go that will help this to happen. We know that if we stay where we are we'd be simply treading water when we'd prefer to be swimming--so hopefully we're heading to a swimming hole where we can move forward.
Taking such risks is not for everyone, and there's a part of me that would love to have been a person who lived in one place his whole life, but that boat has long since sailed. We're doing what we think is the best for us right now, and we're not allowing the perceived risks to keep us from making a change that we think will be very positive. And even though the change means that I'm probably going to have to re-invent myself and what I do to make a living, I'm looking forward to making the changes and seeing what kinds of new things life has to offer us.
The thought is rather intimidating. We're moving to an area where we haven't lived before, so we have no contacts and we don't know anyone there. That means we won't have any local references, and we won't have any friends who can suggest jobs to us because they've heard that someone needs help. Instead, we're going to have to make our own ways and do our best to find something suitable that we'll enjoy doing and that will help us to pay the bills. There is a certain amount of risk inherent in a move like this.
And that's okay. We're both willing to make this move because we both trust that life will take care of us. We may face some difficult times and situations, but we don't expect to face impossible times and situations. We're going to give it all that we have and trust that what is meant to be, will be. And we may both end up finding work that is completely different than what we expected or than what we've done in the past, and that's okay, too. One or both of us may end up working evenings for a while, and we'll deal with that when and if we have to. No matter how things go, much of how our lives pan out after we move is up to us--up to the attitudes we have towards the move and whatever new jobs that we have, and up to the dynamics of the place that we move to.
We've done this before, but always with a job to look forward to. We've always had some sort of income waiting for us when we arrived in a new place. That won't be the case this time, though. So we have to do the best we can to make sure that we find something that will help us to pay the rent and pay the bills, and hopefully put something away for retirement.
Our option, of course, is to stay where we are and continue doing what we've been doing for several years, even though there are several very strong reasons for moving. When all is said and done, the reasons for moving outweigh the reasons for staying, so if we were to stay here, we would be doing so only because we hesitate to take a risk that we're sure will be worthwhile. We don't want to stay where we are simply because we're afraid to take risks. We know what the desired course of action is, and we're going to take it no matter how difficult or frightening it may seem.
Much of our decision to do this results from our constant decision to trust life, and to live our lives as fully as we can. There are some important things missing from our lives where we live right now, and it seems quite obvious that something is missing. We want to take the chance that finding another place to live will help us with those things, and we've put a lot of thought into where we might go that will help this to happen. We know that if we stay where we are we'd be simply treading water when we'd prefer to be swimming--so hopefully we're heading to a swimming hole where we can move forward.
Taking such risks is not for everyone, and there's a part of me that would love to have been a person who lived in one place his whole life, but that boat has long since sailed. We're doing what we think is the best for us right now, and we're not allowing the perceived risks to keep us from making a change that we think will be very positive. And even though the change means that I'm probably going to have to re-invent myself and what I do to make a living, I'm looking forward to making the changes and seeing what kinds of new things life has to offer us.
05 June 2019
Living Fully in a Divided World
We all see it pretty constantly: the people in the world we live in are becoming more and more divided, more and more willing to point fingers and one another and blame each other for everything from economic problems to moral decay to political disasters. It's becoming increasingly difficult for us to keep ourselves separate from the conflicts that arise day in and day out, often in our own lives, but especially on social media, where we do a whole lot of our arguing and finger-pointing and name-calling these days.
So how do we live fully and happily in a world full of conflict? When one friend or family member is calling another one names because of their political beliefs, how do we respond? Do we become part of the conflict ourselves? Or are there other strategies that we can employ?
If we want to keep our peace and not get completely stressed out every day, it's important that we keep our minds on what really matters--namely, the planet we live on and all that lives here. If we're to truly contribute in positive ways to this world, then we need to make sure that we're not adding negative energy to a situation. It's difficult to watch one person criticize or insult another, and it's even more difficult sometimes to not add fuel to the fire by adding our own insults to the mix. But conflict feeds upon itself, and the more people it can draw into itself, the stronger it becomes. We can't be drawn into it, for if we allow ourselves to be pulled in, we lose our peace and we lose our balance--and the deeper we're drawn in, the less balance we have.
I've developed a technique of questioning. If I hear someone insult another, or if I see an insulting post online, I try to say something like, "I don't understand why you're insulting this other person. What purpose do you want to serve by doing so?" Or, "Why do you resort to name-calling? I don't see how it helps anything." When I do this, I do so in the hopes of defusing, not of putting anyone down. (I do realize, though, that some people will even find sentences like these to be insulting, but then we're dealing with pretty severe personal issues, it seems.) When most people are asked to justify their insults and realize that they're really not able to do so, they'll back off and avoid making things worse. If nothing else, perhaps I can make them think twice the next time that they're tempted to call someone else a name, trying to incite conflict.
I also try to keep my statements as objective as possible. When someone posts a lie about someone else (especially in the form of stupid memes), I try to respond with something like, "This is completely untrue," and I include a link to a page that explains the truth of the matter (it takes usually about 30 seconds to find one). If it's something egregious or hate-filled, I might follow up with a comment like, "You do realize, of course, that this is the sort of thing that's contributing to the division in our country, and not the unity." I'll admit, usually people don't like hearing something like that, and they often get quite defensive in response. And almost never do they take the post down.
But one thing that's important to keep in mind is that we should be in this sort of thing for the long haul. If I do point out a lie and the other person attacks me, I remind myself that that's to be expected sometimes, and at least I've done what I can to point out a wrong. What we have to do is let go of any short-term expectations--no one is going to take down a post and apologize for it when we point out that it's a lie or that it's divisive. But hopefully they'll start thinking about whether or not the next thing they post is true or not, and perhaps they'll abstain from spreading lies in the future.
I can only live my life fully if I don't always stay silent when I see a wrong. You see, staying silent often makes me complicit in the wrong, depending on what it is. Sometimes we see things that are wrong that are not a huge deal. If I see someone roll through a stop sign on an empty street, I'm not going to immediately call the police and report them. But if there are children present and the same thing happens, I'll be sure to call them. If someone posts a meme saying that all people from Indiana are stupid, I'm not going to say anything because it's probably just a joke, no matter how dumb it may be. But if I see a meme that's trying to be fear-mongering, then I'm going to say something. Memes and stories claiming that vaccines cause autism are simply spreading fear, and the claim was long ago debunked--spreading that particular lie now is simply irresponsible. Now, if you have documentation of the truth of the matter and you share that, too, then I'll give the benefit of the doubt.
We're never all going to believe the same things; we're not going to belong to the same political parties; we're not going to agree on directions our community, city, state, or nation should take. And when we're surrounded by conflict, it can be difficult to feel our own sense of balance, to keep peace of mind amid the turmoil. It's important that we come up with strategies for dealing with people who are trying to further conflict, and that we stick to those strategies. Then we'll know two things: first, we've done what we can to be productive in a negative situation, and second, we've planted a seed while keeping ourselves out of the fray. Both of these things are very important to all of us. We don't need more people in the fights--let them not be us.
So how do we live fully and happily in a world full of conflict? When one friend or family member is calling another one names because of their political beliefs, how do we respond? Do we become part of the conflict ourselves? Or are there other strategies that we can employ?
If we want to keep our peace and not get completely stressed out every day, it's important that we keep our minds on what really matters--namely, the planet we live on and all that lives here. If we're to truly contribute in positive ways to this world, then we need to make sure that we're not adding negative energy to a situation. It's difficult to watch one person criticize or insult another, and it's even more difficult sometimes to not add fuel to the fire by adding our own insults to the mix. But conflict feeds upon itself, and the more people it can draw into itself, the stronger it becomes. We can't be drawn into it, for if we allow ourselves to be pulled in, we lose our peace and we lose our balance--and the deeper we're drawn in, the less balance we have.
I've developed a technique of questioning. If I hear someone insult another, or if I see an insulting post online, I try to say something like, "I don't understand why you're insulting this other person. What purpose do you want to serve by doing so?" Or, "Why do you resort to name-calling? I don't see how it helps anything." When I do this, I do so in the hopes of defusing, not of putting anyone down. (I do realize, though, that some people will even find sentences like these to be insulting, but then we're dealing with pretty severe personal issues, it seems.) When most people are asked to justify their insults and realize that they're really not able to do so, they'll back off and avoid making things worse. If nothing else, perhaps I can make them think twice the next time that they're tempted to call someone else a name, trying to incite conflict.
I also try to keep my statements as objective as possible. When someone posts a lie about someone else (especially in the form of stupid memes), I try to respond with something like, "This is completely untrue," and I include a link to a page that explains the truth of the matter (it takes usually about 30 seconds to find one). If it's something egregious or hate-filled, I might follow up with a comment like, "You do realize, of course, that this is the sort of thing that's contributing to the division in our country, and not the unity." I'll admit, usually people don't like hearing something like that, and they often get quite defensive in response. And almost never do they take the post down.
But one thing that's important to keep in mind is that we should be in this sort of thing for the long haul. If I do point out a lie and the other person attacks me, I remind myself that that's to be expected sometimes, and at least I've done what I can to point out a wrong. What we have to do is let go of any short-term expectations--no one is going to take down a post and apologize for it when we point out that it's a lie or that it's divisive. But hopefully they'll start thinking about whether or not the next thing they post is true or not, and perhaps they'll abstain from spreading lies in the future.
I can only live my life fully if I don't always stay silent when I see a wrong. You see, staying silent often makes me complicit in the wrong, depending on what it is. Sometimes we see things that are wrong that are not a huge deal. If I see someone roll through a stop sign on an empty street, I'm not going to immediately call the police and report them. But if there are children present and the same thing happens, I'll be sure to call them. If someone posts a meme saying that all people from Indiana are stupid, I'm not going to say anything because it's probably just a joke, no matter how dumb it may be. But if I see a meme that's trying to be fear-mongering, then I'm going to say something. Memes and stories claiming that vaccines cause autism are simply spreading fear, and the claim was long ago debunked--spreading that particular lie now is simply irresponsible. Now, if you have documentation of the truth of the matter and you share that, too, then I'll give the benefit of the doubt.
We're never all going to believe the same things; we're not going to belong to the same political parties; we're not going to agree on directions our community, city, state, or nation should take. And when we're surrounded by conflict, it can be difficult to feel our own sense of balance, to keep peace of mind amid the turmoil. It's important that we come up with strategies for dealing with people who are trying to further conflict, and that we stick to those strategies. Then we'll know two things: first, we've done what we can to be productive in a negative situation, and second, we've planted a seed while keeping ourselves out of the fray. Both of these things are very important to all of us. We don't need more people in the fights--let them not be us.
02 June 2019
Modern Obstacles to Living Life Fully: The Phone
There are many people who get quite upset when someone tells them that they shouldn't be on their cell phones or their computers so much. In a way, I understand them--we really shouldn't tell others what they should and shouldn't do with their lives (and I just did what I said we shouldn't do simply to make the point of how easy it is to do so). We get defensive when someone else tells us that we're doing something wrong and that we need to change.
I think that rather than telling people what to do or not to do, we should make it our goal to try to educate them about what may happen if they don't change things up. We need to educate others on what they're choosing to miss out on if they continue on their present course.
I truly dislike cell phones and the ways that they control people. I can't get too upset with the people who are addicted to them because they're simply responding to an incredible amount of advertising and marketing designed to manipulate them into thinking that these phones are actually necessary The marketers also tell them that they'll be happier people the more "connected" they become via social media and other apps that are designed more to set the hooks more deeply into them than they're designed to help them to have happy lives.
After all, the bottom line is this: The more addicted you become to your phone, the more money a lot of people make off of you. But most of us look at our addictions only as far as they're fulfilling a need or a want. We don't want to think that the alcohol industry wants us to be addicted to alcohol so that they'll have a steady stream of income from us; the candy industry wants us to be addicted to their candy so that they'll be getting our money regularly; and the phone and app makers and the service providers want us to be addicted to our phones because they make lots of money because of our devotion to paying for their devices and services. But all we look at is: I want to check my email when I want, I want to talk on the phone when I want, or I want to take selfies when I want.
Remember when many people finally bought a cell phone, but only with the promise that it was "only for emergencies"?
What I try to get people to realize, though, is what they miss from life when they're constantly on their phones. When I walk into my classes at the university these days, they're pretty much always quiet--at least nine of ten of the students are focused on their screens, and the other few students are sitting quietly waiting for class to start, unable to talk to their neighbors who are focused on their screens. When I was a student, I met more people before classes than I did in almost any other situation. I would talk to the person sitting next to me, and they would actually talk, also. If you liked the person you sat next to, it was worth it getting to class five or ten minutes early to have a longer chat, or to suggest a cup of coffee or something after class. That doesn't happen any more. It's really kind of spooky and disconcerting to walk into classrooms that have 30 people sitting in them, but that are dead quiet. So many opportunities for knowing other human beings are being lost, every single day because we're so attached to our screens.
I also want to teach people just how we lose our ability to focus on the here and now when we're on the phone with someone who's there, not here. We were once on vacation with a friend of the family, and this person was constantly getting calls from her husband. Instead of being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery and peacefulness of where we were, she was constantly being pulled from the moment to argue with her husband about something back home, or to tell him where something was, or to have a long discussion about something involving their house. I really wanted to take her phone from her and throw it into the bay because every time she started arguing with him, we had to be party to the argument, and we lost the beauty of the present moment, also. To this day I still don't understand why she refused to turn her phone off, even though several times she said she should do just that.
"You should," both my wife and I agreed with her. She never did.
What always shocks me, though, is just how much people are paying for these things. In addition to the outrageous price for the phone itself--which most people replace every two or three years, at least--there's the monthly fees for the phone service, for the GPS, for the music service, or for the myriad of other services that simply nickel-and-dime people to death. Many people are paying over $200 a month simply for phone services, and that's a huge amount of money--$2400 a year, or enough for a new car every eight or nine years.
I don't want to get too far into the "when I was a kid" approach to looking at life, but here goes: When I was a kid, we had one phone, it stayed at home, and we paid $15-20 a month for the service.
And we were fine. In many ways we could argue that we were actually better off because we had fewer addictions than our populace faces today.
Could you leave your phone at home for a day without pining for it and wishing you had it with you every moment? Why don't you try it? See how many more birds you hear singing; find out how many more people can you look in the eye and greet warmly; learn how many flowers you walk by each day without noticing them. Feel the breeze and listen to it in your ears instead of listening to the same songs over and over again on Pandora. Stay focused on the present moment where you are right now instead of talking so much to people who are in other places. Revel in the ability to sit down and not feel pressure to call or text someone while you have a few "free" moments (which aren't free any more once you decide to use them texting). Watch the clouds roll by or roll in; listen to the kids playing; hear laughter that isn't coming to you through a speaker.
If we truly want to live life fully, we have to be multi-dimensional. We must be aware of the world around us and the needs of the people we're with. Phones make us uni-dimensional, and they keep us focused on things that aren't truly a part of the reality in which we find ourselves (and no, I don't buy the argument that things that come over the phone are part of our reality because they're coming over the phone, for valid reasons that I'll address later). Our connections to our phones are carefully crafted addictions that we either can't or won't recognize as such, and we're paying dearly for our addiction, both in cash and in the loss of our connection to the world to which we belong.
I think that rather than telling people what to do or not to do, we should make it our goal to try to educate them about what may happen if they don't change things up. We need to educate others on what they're choosing to miss out on if they continue on their present course.
I truly dislike cell phones and the ways that they control people. I can't get too upset with the people who are addicted to them because they're simply responding to an incredible amount of advertising and marketing designed to manipulate them into thinking that these phones are actually necessary The marketers also tell them that they'll be happier people the more "connected" they become via social media and other apps that are designed more to set the hooks more deeply into them than they're designed to help them to have happy lives.
After all, the bottom line is this: The more addicted you become to your phone, the more money a lot of people make off of you. But most of us look at our addictions only as far as they're fulfilling a need or a want. We don't want to think that the alcohol industry wants us to be addicted to alcohol so that they'll have a steady stream of income from us; the candy industry wants us to be addicted to their candy so that they'll be getting our money regularly; and the phone and app makers and the service providers want us to be addicted to our phones because they make lots of money because of our devotion to paying for their devices and services. But all we look at is: I want to check my email when I want, I want to talk on the phone when I want, or I want to take selfies when I want.
Remember when many people finally bought a cell phone, but only with the promise that it was "only for emergencies"?
What I try to get people to realize, though, is what they miss from life when they're constantly on their phones. When I walk into my classes at the university these days, they're pretty much always quiet--at least nine of ten of the students are focused on their screens, and the other few students are sitting quietly waiting for class to start, unable to talk to their neighbors who are focused on their screens. When I was a student, I met more people before classes than I did in almost any other situation. I would talk to the person sitting next to me, and they would actually talk, also. If you liked the person you sat next to, it was worth it getting to class five or ten minutes early to have a longer chat, or to suggest a cup of coffee or something after class. That doesn't happen any more. It's really kind of spooky and disconcerting to walk into classrooms that have 30 people sitting in them, but that are dead quiet. So many opportunities for knowing other human beings are being lost, every single day because we're so attached to our screens.
I also want to teach people just how we lose our ability to focus on the here and now when we're on the phone with someone who's there, not here. We were once on vacation with a friend of the family, and this person was constantly getting calls from her husband. Instead of being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery and peacefulness of where we were, she was constantly being pulled from the moment to argue with her husband about something back home, or to tell him where something was, or to have a long discussion about something involving their house. I really wanted to take her phone from her and throw it into the bay because every time she started arguing with him, we had to be party to the argument, and we lost the beauty of the present moment, also. To this day I still don't understand why she refused to turn her phone off, even though several times she said she should do just that.
"You should," both my wife and I agreed with her. She never did.
What always shocks me, though, is just how much people are paying for these things. In addition to the outrageous price for the phone itself--which most people replace every two or three years, at least--there's the monthly fees for the phone service, for the GPS, for the music service, or for the myriad of other services that simply nickel-and-dime people to death. Many people are paying over $200 a month simply for phone services, and that's a huge amount of money--$2400 a year, or enough for a new car every eight or nine years.
I don't want to get too far into the "when I was a kid" approach to looking at life, but here goes: When I was a kid, we had one phone, it stayed at home, and we paid $15-20 a month for the service.
And we were fine. In many ways we could argue that we were actually better off because we had fewer addictions than our populace faces today.
Could you leave your phone at home for a day without pining for it and wishing you had it with you every moment? Why don't you try it? See how many more birds you hear singing; find out how many more people can you look in the eye and greet warmly; learn how many flowers you walk by each day without noticing them. Feel the breeze and listen to it in your ears instead of listening to the same songs over and over again on Pandora. Stay focused on the present moment where you are right now instead of talking so much to people who are in other places. Revel in the ability to sit down and not feel pressure to call or text someone while you have a few "free" moments (which aren't free any more once you decide to use them texting). Watch the clouds roll by or roll in; listen to the kids playing; hear laughter that isn't coming to you through a speaker.
If we truly want to live life fully, we have to be multi-dimensional. We must be aware of the world around us and the needs of the people we're with. Phones make us uni-dimensional, and they keep us focused on things that aren't truly a part of the reality in which we find ourselves (and no, I don't buy the argument that things that come over the phone are part of our reality because they're coming over the phone, for valid reasons that I'll address later). Our connections to our phones are carefully crafted addictions that we either can't or won't recognize as such, and we're paying dearly for our addiction, both in cash and in the loss of our connection to the world to which we belong.
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