Dissonance is an amazing thing. It makes most of us very uncomfortable, yet we don't do nearly enough to avoid it, for the most part. Cognitive dissonance occurs when we have inconsistent or contradictory thoughts or beliefs, or when our actions don't match our beliefs. For example, if I believe that politicians should be honest and I vote for someone whom I know isn't honest just because he's someone I know, then dissonance is bound to occur. I've violated my commitment to honesty, and I can't help but feel something negative for having done so.
It's very important that we do our best not to allow ourselves to create dissonance in our lives, and not to allow others to do so. If you believe that drinking to excess is wrong yet you allow a friend to talk you into getting drunk, only part of the problem lies in the fact that you got drunk. A significant part of the problem is that you've violated a belief that you hold dear, and you have to live with that fact now.
It's extremely common for cognitive dissonance to rear its head in our lives. We believe in staying true to our spouse, yet we feel attracted to another person. We believe that it's important to be honest in our financial dealings, yet we fudge on our taxes in the spring, or neglect to point out an error that benefits us on a contract. And what we usually do in order to deal with the dissonance is called rationalization--we come up with explanations that justify our actions in order to make ourselves feel better.
But the dissonance is still there. We've just thrown a blanket over it in order not to be able to see it.
As hard as it is to accept, the only way to truly avoid cognitive dissonance in our lives is to be completely true to our beliefs and ideals. We can't say anything that we don't believe, and we can't act in ways that contradict those beliefs and ideals. This is rather difficult to do, though, because other people are in our lives, and they very often cause us to do things that we normally wouldn't consider doing.
It can be something as simple as wanting to focus on the positive as much as possible, then having a co-worker constantly talk about negative aspects of your jobs, making you feel more and more negative the more that person talks. Dissonance can come into your life when you promise yourself to be more patient with your child, but then the child does something to challenge that patience, and you lose it. Not only do you lose your patience, but you break your promise to yourself at the same time.
So we need to clarify things in our lives if we're going to avoid certain things. For example, I already know that I'm going to say no to the vast majority of alcoholic drinks that are offered to me, and that I'll never drink more than two of anything. I've dealt with enough alcoholism to last me for two or three lifetimes, and I'm not going to go down that road myself. And when I stay true to that promise, I'm not going to have to get angry and/or frustrated with myself for doing something that I definitely didn't want to do.
I'm not going to vote for anyone who violates ideals that I hold dear, no matter how much that person's policies will benefit me. I'm going to avoid arguments that may cause me to say something that I'm going to feel bad about later.
And speaking of the words "feel bad," they often apply directly to cognitive dissonance. You might have said something bad about a friend, and now you feel bad about it--the feeling is the dissonance you feel for having done something that violates your principles. In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says that one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word, to speak with integrity. Integrity means wholeness, which means that we can't split ourselves apart with our words--in other words, think one thing and say another, or say one thing and mean another. If we want to avoid the dissonance, we have to have some pre-made decisions that we can stick to when we're faced with dilemmas that can be harmful to us.
If you want to prevent dissonance in your life, that bad feeling that you've done something wrong, then you need to stick with what you know is right in your words, in your actions, and in your reactions. You need to avoid situations as much as possible that will cause you to violate your principles and ideals. You need to be honest with yourself as to your motives, and not rationalize actions that are wrong in order to make yourself feel better about having done something that you know you shouldn't have.
You will face cognitive dissonance. We all do. But you can easily minimize it by making the decision now to do always what you know to be right and what you know not to be harmful to others. And if we have a lot of pre-made choices, things become even easier.
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