about unbecoming who you are not. -Leonard Jacobson
I don't know if this quotation speaks to me more about awakening or more about unbecoming who I am not. I think it's the latter--though over the years I've gotten to be pretty good about trying to be my own person and not trying to be what I think other people want me to be, it's still quite a difficult task, that of dropping all pretenses and simply being the person I am.
One of the major reasons for which I definitely want to be truly who I am is the fact that I teach high school students, and I want them to see me as being an authentic person--whether they like me that way or not. We keep telling young people that they should be themselves, that they should let themselves shine through all they do, and then we model completely opposite behavior, acting in inauthentic ways because we're trying to get others to like us or approve of us. It's ridiculous, when all is said and done, but it's something that we keep on doing.
But who am I not? I know that ethically, I'm not a liar, I'm not a murderer, I'm not a thief. But I can think of situations in which I would tell an untruth for very good reasons; I can think of situations (such as defending loved ones) in which I might actually kill someone; and I can think of situations in which taking other people's stuff may be not just justified, but necessary. I don't say these things to muddy the waters or to justify bad behavior, but simply to illustrate just how difficult it may be to define just "who I am not."
I think that what Leonard is getting at, though, is our tendency to try to pretend to be something in order to get other people to approve of us. It's about us trying to become something other than our authentic selves in order to fill some role that we think we want to be in. Who among us hasn't said or done something that we don't really believe in order to impress that girl or that guy? Who hasn't smiled at something that we don't consider to be funny in order to possibly get that job?
I've done this sort of thing many more times than I like to admit. Fortunately, I've lived long enough not just to realize that doing so wasn't a good thing for me, but also to start to live my life in a different way and to stop doing it. I've been able to change my behavior and my perspective, and I can now act just the way I feel like acting, without worrying a bit what others will think of it. And that's not a bad thing. I still avoid doing things that harm others, but not because I want to make an impression--now I don't do such things because I truly don't want to harm others. I obey laws not because I'm afraid of getting caught breaking them, but because as a member of my communities, I feel a responsibility to obey them.
We like to pretend, and we like to act in ways other than our authentic ways. It's a way for us to protect ourselves, to make our lives easier, to accomplish certain things that we wish to accomplish--in ways that are easier on us. But any time that I act as I am not, there's a great deal of tension between the person I am and the person I'm pretending to be--and that tension affects me and the other people in my life in negative ways.
Who are you? It's a great question to ask, but perhaps the better question may be, "Who are you not, and who are you pretending to be?" If we can be truly honest with ourselves and realize from time to time that "that's not me," we have a chance to live much more authentically, much more happily. Perhaps it's time for all of us to take some time to reflect on the ways we act and the things we do, with an eye towards finding out what we're doing or saying that's not really us. Because if we keep on acting as people who we are not, then just what can we hope to accomplish with and for the other people in our lives, those who are dealing with a person other than our authentic selves--and who thus can't truly trust the people we seem to be?
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