Constant Worry

We're living through a difficult time these days, aren't we?  And we're experiencing life in ways that we've never had to experience it before--spending much more time in our homes than we're used to, worrying constantly about things that we haven't worried about before, and seeing things happen that we haven't seen before.

For most of us, we just deal with it.  Life goes on, and if we have to stay at home, we stay at home.  If we have to stay six feet away from other people, we just do so without making a big deal of it.  After all, we are reacting to an illness, and all of us have had illnesses before.  And if we do catch it, we have a 98% chance of recovery, so it doesn't seem to be THAT bad.

But one of the elements that these days bring to us is the constant worry, the constant thinking about this one thing.  It's almost impossible not to think of it, unless we immerse ourselves in other work or recreation that will keep our minds occupied.  The only time that I remember being so focused on one thing was when I was in the Army, and the first Gulf War started.  Our jobs in Germany became six-days-a-week, twelve-hours-a-day endurance challenges, and we were constantly thinking about our work, the war and the people in it--our friends and colleagues--and the possibility that we would be going soon ourselves.

Now, I'm sitting in my comfortable home, able to work still from here.  I haven't lost my job, and I have something to keep me occupied regularly.

But that doesn't mean that I can concentrate effectively.

We have to be kind to ourselves now, for we're all going through something that we haven't experienced and something that simply doesn't allow most of us to concentrate in ways that we're normally able to concentrate.  We're worried now, because lots and lots of people are getting sick, and many of them are dying.

And with the right unfortunate coincidences, this can happen to us.  And we know that, even if it's not in our conscious thoughts constantly.

So we're well outside the realms of normal.  Yes, you could make the argument that "the flu could take us any given year," or that "people are dying of other things all the time," but the fact is that other causes of deaths aren't experiencing exponential growth in both cases and deaths right now--even with all of the steps that we're taking to slow that growth.  Cancer is a horrible killer, but hospitals aren't being completely overwhelmed with cancer victims.

So we're well aware of many things.

We may get this virus.

If we do, the chances are good that the symptoms will be mild--and that we may not even be aware that we've been infected.

If it does become serious, the hospitals may not be able to take care of us due to the shortages of virtually everything that they're experiencing.

If I or a relative become ill, we may die because there aren't enough ventilators to go around.

These are terrible thoughts to be carrying around all the time.  I try to be positive all the time, but I also try to be realistic--I'm not going to tell myself "It can't happen to me or my family," because it may.  I don't want to try to lie to myself in order to make myself feel better, because that really isn't an effective way of life.  I don't dwell on the negative possibilities, but I do acknowledge them.

So I'm locked in at home, and I'd love to take advantage of this extra time without various activities.  I'd love to write more, to read more, to clean more, to take care of some things that I've been putting off for a while.

But the truth is that I find it difficult to concentrate and to get things done.  I'm pretty good at dealing with stress, but this is something more than that, and it's affecting me more strongly than I realize most of the time.  So I need to be understanding of myself and not get on my own case for not finishing that novel in three days, for not cleaning the garage, for not doing some of the other things I want to do.

And my students are also going through the exact same things, in different ways.  In many ways, they've lost a lot more than I have--classes, teachers, prom, graduation, time with friends, and so much more.  We've started our online classes, but how much can we really expect them to do when their minds are overwhelmed with all that's going on?  My goal as a teacher now is to give them enough material that they'll actually practice many of the skills we've been talking about all year, but not so much that it's going to add to their stress.  They have other classes to do, too, and their lives have been turned upside-down, so I have to be realistic in my expectations of them.

And what about that mother who has children at home?  What's going on in her mind underneath the focus that she's giving to work?  And all of us who have elderly relatives have to be wondering about their health--are they staying at home?  Maintaining safe distances?

Did I happen to bring that virus home from that trip to the supermarket yesterday?  Is it going to be safe to get gas this afternoon?  Should I be wearing a mask?  Who touched that doorknob last?

The people we see on the street and in the supermarkets all are having similar thoughts--we have to.  It's part of our reality, and it's draining in ways that most of us haven't been drained before.

As with anything else, though, we're going to make our most important step towards dealing well with the situation when we actually accept it.  It is what it is, and there's no way we can change it.  We can do what we can to respond to it well, but we're not going to stop the virus from spreading or keep people from dying, no matter how much we'd like to do so.

Once we accept the situation, we can also accept the fact that we're dealing with something new and dreadful, and the fact that it's going to take a lot of mental effort to deal with everything new as well as all of our other obligations.  This is where being understanding of and kind to ourselves comes in.  We're not going to do this perfectly--this is all new and different, and we're all learning as we go.  Allow for mistakes, and don't berate yourself when you make them.  Determine that you'll try not to repeat them, but who knows whether that will be the case or not?  You're trying to learn about the new norms of grocery shopping and social distancing while still dealing with the enormous effects of the outbreak on the world in general, so learn as well as you can, but allow yourself to learn.

And what about that couple across the street who are now working from home while their kids are all at home, too?  They're worried about their children and themselves, and probably their parents, too.  On top of that, they have to get their work done while making sure that their kids get their school work done.  And they have to make sure that everyone eats every meal, too, instead of having the kids eat at school.  They have more new obligations and responsibilities than they ever imagined they'd have, and because of stay-at-home orders, they're not able to get the help that they normally would.

It's important to be kind to them, too.  Even if they're cranky or unpleasant--because that's probably a natural result of the constant preoccupation that they're currently experiencing.

Constant worry is something that can drag us down very quickly into feelings of hopelessness, into feelings of being completely overwhelmed by everything.  If we want to avoid these kinds of feelings, it's important that we learn all that we can about what's going on and then accept it for what it is.  As we learn, we may find ways that we can improve situations--how many people are making masks for healthcare workers right now?--but we'll also allow ourselves to start to act in realistic ways given the huge amounts of stress and anxiety that we're all feeling.

Worry if you must--it's a pretty natural feeling--but try not to let that worry consume you and control you.  Whether you're still at work or working at home or unemployed right now, your set of worries is completely individual, and those worries will take their toll on you.  Recognize what's going on, accept it, and deal with it as well as you can, and you'll find that you've taken the first step towards getting through this outbreak in positive ways, rather than being overwhelmed and unable to cope with a situation that's become bigger than you ever imagined it could.