Is Love an Art?

(Excerpted from chapter one of The Art of Loving)
Erich Fromm

Is love an art?  Then it requires knowledge and effort.  Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something that one "falls into" if one is lucky?  This little book is based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the majority of people today believe in the latter.

Not that people think that love is not important.  They are starved for it; they watch endless numbers of films about happy and unhappy love stories, they listen to hundreds of trashy songs about love -- yet hardly anyone thinks that there is anything that needs to be learned about love.

This particular attitude is based in several premises which either singly or combined tend to uphold it.  Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love.  Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable.  In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths.  One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits.  Another, especially used by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc.  Other ways of making oneself attractive, used by both men and women, are to develop pleasant manners, interesting conversation, to be helpful, modest, inoffensive. . . . what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.

A second premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty.  People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love -- or to be loved by -- is difficult. . . . to a vast extent people are in search of "romantic love," of the personal experience of love which then should lead to marriage.  This concept greatly enhances the importance of the object as against the importance of the function.

The third error leading to the assumption that there is nothing to be learned about love lies in the confusion between the initial experience of "falling" in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, of "standing" in love. . . . people take the intensity of their infatuation, the being "crazy" about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness.

This attitude -- that nothing is easier than to love -- has continued to be the prevalent idea about love in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love.  if this were the case with any other activity, people would be eager to know the reasons for the failure, and to learn how one could do better -- or they would give up the activity.  Since the latter is impossible in the case of love, there seems to be only one adequate way to overcome the failure of love -- to examine the reasons for this failure, and to proceed to study the meaning of love.

The first step is to become aware that love is an art, just as living is an art; if we want to learn how to love we must proceed in the same way we have to proceed if we want to learn any other art, say music, painting, carpentry, or the art of medicine or engineering.

Could it be that only those things are considered worthy of being learned with which one can earn money or prestige, and that love, which "only" profits the soul, but is profitless in the modern sense, is a luxury we have no right to spend much energy on?

http://livinglifefully.com/journeyd12.htm

A Nice Thought from Ray Bradbury

Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.

It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.

Ray Bradbury
(Rest in Peace, Ray!)

Little Things

I hope always to be a person who is moved more by the little things than the big things.  I also hope to be a person who actually notices those little things so that I can be moved by them.  For life is made up of little things much more than big things--little things happen in our lives pretty constantly, while the big things tend to occur sporadically at most.

One of my colleagues offered me a piece of chocolate the other day.  It was just what I needed at the moment, and it tasted fantastic.  It was a very little thing that brightened my day and made me feel much better.  A student came into my room just to talk, and that was something that made me feel very good inside, especially since we had a nice conversation.  My wife put a little note inside my lunch, and that made me feel appreciated and loved.  The cashier at the supermarket yesterday was extremely friendly, kind, and cheerful, and my short conversation with her lifted my spirits on a day when they could use a bit of lifting.

Yesterday we had a terrific lightning storm.  This morning I saw a beautiful picture on the Internet.  When my wife and I went for a walk the other day, we saw beautiful, huge spiders as well as a snake, lizards, a magnificent hawk, and big yellow butterflies.  I heard a great song on the radio that I hadn't heard in years.  I saw a couple of little kids playing in a playground, having a blast.  I ran my hand over the flowers of a lavender bush and then held my hand to my nose--it was one of the best smells in the world, I'm sure.

All around me are little things; before me are seemingly insignificant moments that are just waiting for me to notice them, to love them, to appreciate them.  They are there all the time, and they occur all the time--but it's up to me to make the effort to notice them and to appreciate them.  Things like that don't just happen; they must be made to happen.  And if I do try hard to be aware of them and allow them to affect me in positive ways, then that effort shall enrich my life.

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens.  If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be very happy.  If someone bases his or her happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time.  If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Andy Rooney

What Makes a Friend

author unknown

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who saved a seat in the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out in tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents, who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go. . .

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at eighteen years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past eighteen years, and, most important, sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you even when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and, most important, loves you!

http://livinglifefully.com/friendship.html

Somewhere Close

My wife and I finally had a day off together today, the first one in a long time.  Over the course of the last week, we talked a lot about what we were going to do with the day.  All sorts of things came to mind--day trips to mountains about four hours away, trips to visit friends a couple of hours away, even the possibility of taking an overnight trip somewhere.  Finally, though, we thought of going somewhere nearby, a spot in a National Forest that was supposed to be quite nice.  So that's what we did--we drove less than an hour to get up into the mountains close to where we live, and we parked the car and went for a nice two-hour walk.  We saw a few deer, hawks, and lots of other birds.  We didn't hear any cars or other noise pollution, and we were out in the wild, enjoying the fresh air and the silence and the sunshine and the clouds and the breeze.

Sometimes it seems that if we want to do something new and different, we look far away for our inspiration.  Believe it or not, though, there are many wonderful things to see nearby, close to where you live.  We just tend to think that since they are so close, we'll always have a chance to see them, so we put them off until some other time.  This is why so many New Yorkers die before they see the Statue of Liberty, and why so many people in Arizona and Southern California and Nevada never have seen the Grand Canyon.

But we don't have to go far away to have a good time or to see something exciting.  We can find those things close by--all we have to do is look for them, and make the decision to visit them as soon as we can.  If we don't do this, we risk missing out on some of the nicest things around, thinking that the better things to see have to be further away.  It's a lot like we treat ourselves, thinking that the best things are outside of ourselves, while we have some pretty marvelous characteristics and traits inside of ourselves all the while.

What's near you that's beautiful?  What's amazing that's located nearby that you haven't yet seen or experienced?  You can find those things and enjoy them immensely, but only if you look for them and then make the decision to visit them and make them a part of your life, a part of your memories, a part of all that you've experienced on this beautiful planet of ours.

Some Nice Thoughts on Grace

Grace is something you can never get but only be given.  There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.

A good night sleep is grace and so are good dreams.  Most tears are grace.  The smell of rain is grace.  Somebody loving you is grace.  Have you ever tried to love somebody? . . .

The grace of God means something like:  Here is your life.  You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you.  Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don't be afraid.  I am with you.  Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe.  I love you.

There's only one catch.  Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it.

Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift, too.

Frederick Buechner

http://livinglifefully.com/grace.htm

Take a Walk!

Have you been wondering what you might do differently in your life to add something new?  Has there been something missing, but you can't figure out what it is?  I've found that when people start to feel that way, it's usually because they've grown so accustomed to their day-to-day lives that they've stopped seeing just how marvelous and astonishing the world they're in actually is.

I like to go for walks often to remind myself just how many cool things there are on this planet, and just how many of those things are available to me to experience.  When I walk in the woods, I have to pay attention as I walk to be sure that I don't walk by the tiny white flowers or the beautiful green grasshoppers or the moths that my wife and I call "hummingbird moths" because they hover and fly just like hummingbirds, and they feed at flowers just as hummingbirds do, with a long proboscis.  It's fascinating to watch the changes of light and to feel the changes in temperature and in the breezes as I walk, too.

But maybe forests aren't your thing.  They can be buggy and muggy and just plain uncomfortable sometimes, can't they?  Well, I also like walking in downtown areas to watch people, to experience what it's like to be surrounded by many people, feeling the energy and vibrations that all the people give off.  I like to look at their faces and wonder what kind of people they are, knowing that if I do try to describe them based on looks alone, I'll almost certainly be wrong.  But anywhere that gives me access to seeing and being with people is a great place to spend some time, truly observing others, not just seeing them.

And that may not interest you, either.  Maybe you're the type of person who likes a more controlled environment, be it a park or a mall.  Parks are usually well landscaped and well maintained, which tends to give us a sense of security, a feeling of comfort.  Malls, too, are strongly controlled environments that allow us to see some of the remarkable things that our fellow human beings are inventing, producing, and trying to sell to us, from new novels to novelty items to unique fashions.

No matter where you prefer to walk, of course, one of the most important things that you can be sure of is that you're contributing to your health, helping to strengthen your heart and tone your muscles.  And if you walk while fully aware, you're helping to remind yourself of just what a wonderful planet we live on, and just how cool your place on it and in it can be.

Walking is the great adventure, the first meditation,
a practice of heartiness and soul primary to humankind.
Walking is the exact balance between spirit and humility.

Gary Snyder