Thoughts on Forgiveness

The practice of forgiveness can play an important role in your relationships with others. Forgiveness will enable you to correct distortions in your relationships and to improve the quality, intensity, and meaningfulness of relationships. It means letting go of past resentments toward others so that you can experience them in the present. Even if you do not "feel" like forgiving someone, forgiving them will release you from the hold of the past and allow you to experience the world in a new way. To forgive is to step outside the vicious circle of interpretation, where concepts from the past dominate experience, and to begin to live in terms of a larger, more worthy purpose. Forgiveness eliminates fear and anxiety, weakness and vulnerability.

-Ari Kiev

Limitations

I read a fascinating sentence from a man named Stephen C. Paul.  It’s pretty simple:  “Every time you let go of something limiting, you create space for something better.”  I love the sentence for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I’ve spent a lot of time and effort in my life holding on to fears and things like anger and resentment.  This strategy, believe it or not, never has helped me to improve my life or to be any happier.  And second, as life goes on and I get older I’m starting to realize the amazing importance of letting go of things that serve no real purpose for me or for anyone else, whether I’m letting go of anger or blame or expectations.  Learning to let go of things has been one of the most freeing strategies I’ve ever encountered, and I’m very grateful that I’ve been exposed to the concept.

But I never had seen the results of letting go as a displacement.  Something better comes into my life when I let go of something negative.  When I’m not angry, I can think of peaceful thoughts.  When I have no artificial expectations, I can appreciate what I see and hear without judgment.  When I let go of someone’s unfair criticism of me, I then have room in my thoughts for hearing a beautiful song or writing a nice little poem.

There are better things in the world than the things we hold on to.  But when we occupy our minds with the negative things, we don’t leave much room for the positive things, do we?  So it’s up to us to take charge of our lives and allow ourselves to let go of the things that are taking up precious room in our minds and thoughts.  It may feel somehow gratifying to see ourselves as martyrs and obsess about someone’s unfair judgment of us, but just what does that get us other than a false gratification?  Absolutely nothing, you may say, and you’re right!

We seem to assume that anything that’s supposed to come into our lives can do so, just because.  But how often do we consider the possibility that we’re keeping out some of the best things by occupying ourselves with some of the worst?  After all, if I spend the next ten minutes being angry at someone, just how much of those ten minutes are going to be spent thinking about positive, hopeful things?

I want to make room.  I want to leave room for anything new that’s positive, anything positive that’s new.  And I don’t want that space to be filled with the negative stuff that we tend to call “baggage,” that stuff that by its very nature keeps us down when we wish to move up.  And it’s up to me to make that space by letting go, isn’t it?

We must learn to let go, to give up, to make room

for the things we have prayed for and desired.

Charles Fillmore

A Thought from Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross

"Crises" can help us discover much about ourselves and enrich our lives. Another wonderful experience that can grow out of a seeming disaster is the joy of appreciation. AIDS patients who relearn how to walk, for example, are often delighted at being able to take two or ten steps again. They appreciate tremendously something that they took for granted their entire lives. How many "healthy" or "normal" people are grateful that they can walk or talk? My guess is, very few. But how much value is there in something taken entirely for granted? If "disaster" enriches our lives with gifts that would otherwise have been taken for granted, is it really a disaster? Or is it a gift in disguise?

Elisabeth Kuebler- Ross

(Please note that this passage doesn't come from the book listed here--this book is simply one of her master works.)

Cool People

I’m surrounded by really cool people.  I meet people all the time who are kind, considerate, caring, and enjoyable company.  I meet people who try hard to do their best as much as they can.  They make mistakes, of course, but don’t all of us?  I meet people who are incredibly talented, who have artwork and writings and scrapbooks and music that they’ve created that just blow me away when I see them.  There are tons of people who volunteer tons of time and ask for nothing in return, and people who give away lots of money to great causes and who don’t expect anything from anyone because of it.

There are people who let other people in their cars merge in front of them rather than cutting them off, and people who allow other people to get in line in front of them, even if they may be in a bit of a hurry.  I see people all the time who share kind words and encouragement, who take the time to help little kids with a project or a problem.  I see people donate clothes or goods to charitable organizations, and I see people cook dinners for families that may be going through medical crises or other kinds of problems.

I know people who give up their time to coach kids’ teams, not worrying a bit that they don’t get paid for it.  I know of other people who visit seniors just to keep them company, and others who work with patients in hospitals or specially challenged people in a variety of settings.

I guess my question is this:  with all these wonderful people out there doing marvelous things, just why is so much of the focus of our media and our conversations and our thoughts on the people who do the bad things?  The murderers and the criminals and the people who hurt and discourage us are outnumbered by a huge margin, yet so much of our focus in our culture is on them. . . . and why?  This tendency doesn’t help us at all, does it?

Personally, I want to keep my focus on the good people, and all that they do.  When I watch the good people do good things, it inspires me greatly, and that inspiration keeps my life brighter and lighter than it would be otherwise.  So to all you people who do such kind things and who inspire me so much. . . . Thanks!  I appreciate all that you give to the world and to me!

Forgiveness

I come from a background in which anger and resentment were rather normal.  It wasn't that the people in my life liked being angry and resentful--they just hadn't learned how to deal with their feelings in other ways.  Because of this background, though, it took me many years during my young adulthood to unlearn this pattern, to realize that such thoughts were not only negative, but also harmful.

One of the most important accomplishments in my life has been to learn how to forgive.  I don't always do so quickly enough to save myself a few miserable days, but I have learned to view people's actions in a much more objective light, taking them much less personally.  Usually I see behavior that affects me negatively as a reflection of bad things that are going on in other people's lives, and this helps me to forgive much more easily.  Did that guy cut me off in traffic? Maybe he's in a hurry because someone's sick.  Did that person talk about me behind my back? Well, maybe she's feeling insecure about herself, and she has to knock someone down to make herself feel better. Her words don't change who I am.

Being able to see things this way has almost no effect at all on the other people involved in any situation, but it does have a strong effect on me:  I'm able to feel more peaceful, more relaxed, and more able to help others.  I feel that things are okay apart from this one small aspect of my life, and my forgiveness helps me to realize the relative insignificance of this aspect.  I'm not here on this planet to control other people and have them ask for forgiveness when I feel they should do so--the only person's actions and thoughts over which I have any sort of control are my own, and I can forgive if I choose to do so, knowing that doing so helps me.

There's a common misconception that forgiving someone implies that the action that's being forgiven was okay, but I always keep in mind that I'm forgiving the person, not the action. Hurting other people is always wrong, but we all make mistakes and hurt others.  I'm very thankful that some people in life have forgiven me for some of my actions, so why shouldn't I show the same courtesy to others?  Forgiving doesn't make wrong right or take away responsibility--forgiveness just says it's not up to me to judge, and I'm not going to hold a grudge against you just because you made a mistake.

Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even
and one-upping,  always make you less than you are.

Malcolm Forbes



I went to see the doctor yesterday for a physical.  When I got to his office, a receptionist helped me--she took all my information, took care of the billing through my insurance, created a file for me, and later made a new appointment for me.  After she was done, a nurse came out and called me in, and then she took my pulse and weight and blood pressure, then she even did an EKG for me.  Then the doctor came in and went through a lot of questions with me, checked me out, and then gave me a few suggestions and referred me to a dermatologist.

After I was through at the doctor's office, I went to the supermarket to buy dinner.  I asked someone who worked there where I could find something, and he showed me where it was.  When I took it to the cashier, she cheerfully rang up my purchase and took my money and gave me change, passing my food back to the guy who put it into a bag for me.  On the way home, I passed a man who was directing traffic as he was working on a road crew--he kept the drivers safe from vehicles that the construction crew was using.

When I got home, I stopped at my mailbox, where our postal delivery person had put our mail earlier in the day.  The mail was from all over the country, and it had made its way to our home through the efforts of who-knows-how-many people.  One of the pieces of mail was a DVD that had been sent to us by someone who works for the company from which we rent the DVD's.

When you stop to think about it, it can be simply astonishing just how many people are dedicated to serving us.  As we go through each day, person after person serves us in one way or another--some more effectively than others, of course, and some rather poorly at times--and it can boggle the mind to consider just how many people have served us in our lifetimes in many different ways.  Teachers, food servers, cashiers, clerks, bellhops, doctors, lawyers, police officers and firefighters--the list is almost endless.  Whenever I stop to think about it, I always come to a conclusion:  that I want to serve the other people on the planet as well as so many people have served me.  For that approach, I'm sure, is one of the clearest and simplest ways to live our lives fully that we can find.

The only ones among you who will be truly happy are
those who will have sought and found how to serve.

Albert Schweitzer



Thoughts on Play

To be playful is not to be trivial or frivolous, or to act as though nothing of consequence will happen.  On the contrary, when we are playful with each other we relate as free persons, and the relationship is open to surprise; everything that happens is of consequence.  It is, in fact, seriousness that closes itself to consequence, for seriousness is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility.  To be serious is to press for a specified conclusion.  To be playful is to allow for possibility whatever the cost to oneself.

James Carse